One of the greatest things about having blogged for the last few years is having a running history of how things were. Sometimes it works against me. Last week, for example, when I went back looking at posts from around the time Robbie was born. Dredged up a lot of painful emotions.
But then tonight, I wondered how long it took for the Paxil to make me feel better when I started it back in January. I started it Jan 23 and on Feb 2, I had a post about not having anxiety when the sun set. So that's 10 days. Which is also how long it took to go without it before I felt like a crazy person again.
So, ten days. It's been 3 since I restarted the meds. So by this time next week, I'll be a real, live human being again, right? Right?
RIGHT?
--Trish
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
4 years
I took the full dose of Paxil this morning. It's been a little better, but not great. Tonight I have the oddest sensation that I'm forgetting to worry about something. I'll think "oh yeah, I forgot..." "oh now, wait.. I did that.." Like my brain really wants to be worried, but it can't quite figure out where to put that worry.
Hoping that a few more days of full dose Paxil put me back on the right side of sane.
In other news, today is the 4 year anniversary of Robbie's NICU homecoming. I do think that this milestone is contributing to my anxiety. It's a stupid thing to be anxious about, I know, but I think it just dredges up so many emotions and sets off some PTSD.
(I've been trying to do my PTSD exercises per my therapist, but so far they're not helping much. I contacted my therapist today, will have a session by week's end. Hopefully she can knock some sense into me.)
It's so odd to know that four years ago, Robbie felt like a visitor. I loved him and was even bonded to him a little, but I still kept waiting for someone to knock on the door and ask for their baby back. He was still tiny, under 4.5 pounds. It was a really profound life changing moment for us.
I wish I could have had a snapshot of him today on that day. I was so worried about everything, wondering what he'd be like. Would he be smart? Cute? Happy? Funny? Turns out, he's all of those things. He's also stubborn and bossy, but he's the best big brother in the world, and an amazing son. We've come a long way.
Hoping that a few more days of full dose Paxil put me back on the right side of sane.
In other news, today is the 4 year anniversary of Robbie's NICU homecoming. I do think that this milestone is contributing to my anxiety. It's a stupid thing to be anxious about, I know, but I think it just dredges up so many emotions and sets off some PTSD.
(I've been trying to do my PTSD exercises per my therapist, but so far they're not helping much. I contacted my therapist today, will have a session by week's end. Hopefully she can knock some sense into me.)
It's so odd to know that four years ago, Robbie felt like a visitor. I loved him and was even bonded to him a little, but I still kept waiting for someone to knock on the door and ask for their baby back. He was still tiny, under 4.5 pounds. It was a really profound life changing moment for us.
I wish I could have had a snapshot of him today on that day. I was so worried about everything, wondering what he'd be like. Would he be smart? Cute? Happy? Funny? Turns out, he's all of those things. He's also stubborn and bossy, but he's the best big brother in the world, and an amazing son. We've come a long way.
Monday, September 3, 2012
It's back.
Felt jittery all day. Full on anxiety wave tonight. Took some Paxil.
Even had a drink. Still not feeling great.
Fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you.
--Trish
Even had a drink. Still not feeling great.
Fuck you, anxiety. Fuck you.
--Trish
Withdrawal?
Okay, blogland- talk to me about withdrawal from Paxil.
I've been weaning off for about a month. Haven't had any since Friday before last (about 9 days.) Was doing okayish. A lot of dizziness and I'm sure it was contributing to my anger at my husband lately, but I was functioning.
Tonight I got hit by a massive panic episode. I can't really call it a panic attack because it lasts too long, but it hit me out of nowhere tonight and was pretty major. My whole body was shaking, skin tingling, heart racing, the whole bit. The worst of it lasted about an hour, but was getting waves for another few.
I am currently visiting my mother-in-law (who was great through the whole thing) and didn't even pack my Paxil. If I'd had it, I would have taken one. I was in pretty bad shape for a bit.
My reading says that the worst of the withdrawal lasts about 2 weeks. Am I going backward if I take one? Should I tough it out? Wean EVEN slower? I'd like to hear your stories.
Thanks,
--Trish
I've been weaning off for about a month. Haven't had any since Friday before last (about 9 days.) Was doing okayish. A lot of dizziness and I'm sure it was contributing to my anger at my husband lately, but I was functioning.
Tonight I got hit by a massive panic episode. I can't really call it a panic attack because it lasts too long, but it hit me out of nowhere tonight and was pretty major. My whole body was shaking, skin tingling, heart racing, the whole bit. The worst of it lasted about an hour, but was getting waves for another few.
I am currently visiting my mother-in-law (who was great through the whole thing) and didn't even pack my Paxil. If I'd had it, I would have taken one. I was in pretty bad shape for a bit.
My reading says that the worst of the withdrawal lasts about 2 weeks. Am I going backward if I take one? Should I tough it out? Wean EVEN slower? I'd like to hear your stories.
Thanks,
--Trish
Monday, August 27, 2012
Sneaking Out
Tonight I got off work early and didn't tell anyone. I left. I got gas, cleaned out the car, went to a restaurant and ate by myself, went shopping for nothing and then spent a solid hour at the bookstore. Alone. Two and a half hours where I didn't rush to get home or answer to anyone.
I eventually called my husband and told him I wasn't at work. He seemed confused but okay with it.
When I got home, Charlotte was wailing. David was trying to resettle her without success. I took over for a while, also without success. Then he took over again while I went to talk to Robbie a bit.
I don't even know what to say about Robbie. He's pee-trained but still not poop and lately he's been holding it for bedtime, pooping in his diaper and then taking the diaper off himself. Fortunately he's smart enough not to smear it everywhere but it's still not pleasant to walk into.
After cleaning Robbie up and resettling him, Charlotte still wailing in the other room the whole time, I pulled out one of my bookstore purchases on sleep. Before I could finish the chapter I needed, David came to tag out. And gave me a guilt trip about how he hasn't had a break in 16 hours. I refrained from commenting and just came back to take a turn. It's currently 11:30 and she's still going. I don't know what to do.
The lack of sleep in the house is affecting our marriage. David will help until he goes to bed around midnight, but after that, it's me. He's off duty until he gets home from work the next day. She still eats about every 3 hours all night long.
On Saturday I let David sleep until 10am and then asked if I could get 15 minute nap. He couldn't deal with the kids by himself for 15 minutes. After a long day of sniping at each other, he told he he's "always tired." I pretty much told him I had nothing left to to give. I take all night duty, all morning duty and all weekend duty. I simply couldn't do any more. He agreed that I'm doing a lot.
But then on nights like tonight, he purposely makes me feel guilty for going and doing something for myself, even though in the grand scheme of things, I was home almost an hour EARLIER than usual.
I know we're both tired and it makes everything seem more serious. I'm trying to remember to that we pretty much hated each other (or maybe I just hated him) for Robbie's first year and we eventually liked each other again. This too shall pass.
But right now, I'm tired and unhappy. And I'd really appreciate it if my baby would GO TO SLEEP.
--Trish
I eventually called my husband and told him I wasn't at work. He seemed confused but okay with it.
When I got home, Charlotte was wailing. David was trying to resettle her without success. I took over for a while, also without success. Then he took over again while I went to talk to Robbie a bit.
I don't even know what to say about Robbie. He's pee-trained but still not poop and lately he's been holding it for bedtime, pooping in his diaper and then taking the diaper off himself. Fortunately he's smart enough not to smear it everywhere but it's still not pleasant to walk into.
After cleaning Robbie up and resettling him, Charlotte still wailing in the other room the whole time, I pulled out one of my bookstore purchases on sleep. Before I could finish the chapter I needed, David came to tag out. And gave me a guilt trip about how he hasn't had a break in 16 hours. I refrained from commenting and just came back to take a turn. It's currently 11:30 and she's still going. I don't know what to do.
The lack of sleep in the house is affecting our marriage. David will help until he goes to bed around midnight, but after that, it's me. He's off duty until he gets home from work the next day. She still eats about every 3 hours all night long.
On Saturday I let David sleep until 10am and then asked if I could get 15 minute nap. He couldn't deal with the kids by himself for 15 minutes. After a long day of sniping at each other, he told he he's "always tired." I pretty much told him I had nothing left to to give. I take all night duty, all morning duty and all weekend duty. I simply couldn't do any more. He agreed that I'm doing a lot.
But then on nights like tonight, he purposely makes me feel guilty for going and doing something for myself, even though in the grand scheme of things, I was home almost an hour EARLIER than usual.
I know we're both tired and it makes everything seem more serious. I'm trying to remember to that we pretty much hated each other (or maybe I just hated him) for Robbie's first year and we eventually liked each other again. This too shall pass.
But right now, I'm tired and unhappy. And I'd really appreciate it if my baby would GO TO SLEEP.
--Trish
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