Monday, October 6, 2008

buttonless

We've just returned from the surgeon's office.

He's now G button free.

I wish I could say I'm elated, but it's rather bittersweet, heavy on the bitter right now.

Taking it out was about a 10 seconds procedure.

But it leaves a giant gaping hole in his belly- directly into his stomach.

He had to have an empty stomach to have it removed, so of course, he was starving in the office. Surgeon said I could feed him immediately. So I did just that. Soon as he and the nurse walked out the door, I gave Robbie a boob. And he took it.

Of course, then the nurse came in and acted like I was insane for feeding him there. (She's old. Really old. Like hand shaking so much she couldn't get the surgical tape loose and the doctor had to do it. I found that odd. I like old people, but seriously.. RETIRE.) Anyway, she shuffled me back to what seemed to be the surgical library area. Which was fine. If the waiting room wasn't filled with children (that's the trouble with it being a PEDIATRIC surgeon's office) I'd have gone out there, but I was trying to avoid people as much as possible.

So anyway, he ate (a bottle of breast milk) and then we got ready to go. When I pulled him away from where I'd burped him we were both soaked.

So much of his feed had leaked out of his stomach that it was through the gauze, his onesie, his sleeper, my t-shirt and the undershirt under it.

I had to walk passed the surgeon as I left, so I showed him my soaked shirt and said "THIS MUCH?" and he said it would improve in a few hours.

Of course, I got him home and put some dry clothes on him, along with clean gauze. His stomach looks disgusting. If anyone is interested, I can post a picture, but it's pretty gruesome.

He was starving again, so I fed him half a feeding, hoping that less pressure would leak less and still make him feel like he'd eaten.

He promptly got the hiccups and screamed bloody murder for a while.

I promptly cried and apologized to him about 300 times that I'd let them do this to him in the first place.

I'm not sure he knew quite what to make of me crying as he stared at me rather quizzically for a bit. But at least HE stopped crying.

As I've typed this, he's finally fallen asleep (he'd been up since 7:30 this morning) so I'm going to pump some milk and hopefully join him in a nap.

If you could pray that this thing closes up on its own quickly, I'd really appreciate it. I have no small amount of mommy guilt for letting them do this to him. The sooner he heals and the sooner I know he won't need surgery again, the sooner some of that will dissipate.


--Trish

P.S. I do have weekend pictures, but I haven't had time to get them uploaded just yet. They are forthcoming, I promise.

13 comments:

Alice said...

Prayers for a very quick recovery and a fully-closed belly!!!!

Kim said...

Oh gosh, I feel so badly for you guys. Robbie is tough, and so are you.. I'll be sending some good thoughts for a quick recovery. Hang in there, mama. The only thing holding him back now is his 'Magic Box' (that's what we call M's!). So you're one step closer to 'freedom'.

Elizabeth said...

Extra prayers for quick healing!

I hope you got your nap with Robbie.

Don't take on extra guilt on this though, okay? You let them do only what you had to.

Jody said...

All you can do is be the best mommy that you can be each moment of the day. Robbie is blessed to have a mommy who loves him so much. No one needs a perfect mom, just one who tries her best.

Jennifer said...

I know this may not help, but I had a g-tube about eight years ago and it does heal pretty quickly. It will be sore for a while, but it will close up. I promise. And just think, he will have an interesting battle scar to impress all of his friends.

Mrs. Spit said...

Trish:

You didn't make a random hole in your kid. You and Robbie's doctor's made a considered decision on how best to help him. It did help him (although not as much as we might have liked) and now it was time for it to be removed.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. You made a good choice to have the g-button in, and now it was time to pull it out. I'm sorry munchkin has a hole in his tummy (and really sorry food is coming out, I'm going to get a moose now)

You aren't a child abuser. Your a good mum. Who has had to make decisions for her loved son that were hard, and 'normal' parents never have to make. And you've done a darn good job at it.

Chin up, you are a great mum, whether you believe it or not.

Two Hands said...

Prayers coming your way. For a quick closure on the hole and on your guilt. You did what you thought was best and that's all anyone can ask of you. I'm sure you had some heavy encouragement from medical staff too who thought it necessary as well.
He looks so good though, Trish. However you might feel, you're doing MANY things right because if you weren't, he wouldn't be the bright, beautiful boy he is.

Kelly said...

My niece had her g-tube for over a year and when they took it out they had to be careful. But I know that it healed VERY fast.

I am so glad that they were able to remove it now instead of later when he has bigger and more mobile.

Your still doing such a great job.

Did you pick up the zoloft perscription? Do you find that its helping?

I have recently started taking wellbutrin and really like how it helps.

Heather said...

Hope his belly heals soon. Poor things. You both sound like you had a rough day.

AngelsAmid said...

I hope it heals really quickly!!

Stacie said...

Ah...that guilt. It seems that we find so many things to beat ourselves up with, doesn't it? I have no solutions for you about the guilt. I haven't found anything that makes it go away, although it just rears its ugly head only occasionally now. People reminding me that there is nothing I could have done differently, that I am doing a good job with my boys, or that I should try and get over it hasn't helped. It all has to come from forgiving yourself for not being perfect and having the perfect pregnancy.

Please try to forgive yourself, Trish. Don't let this ugly guilt take hold of you. It is miserable.

You are a good mommy.

You have made the best decisions possible for Robbie.

Robbie is a lucky little boy for having you as his mommy.

Hugs to you, Trish. I hope you were able to get some rest. And mostly, I hope that Robbie heals quickly!

Stacie

Jen said...

My friends daughter has a G-tube and sometimes it actually falls out and her parents have to sit and replace it themselves....QUICKLY. The doctors told them that the stomach will close in a matter of hours, so they told them that if they can't get it in by themselves in a matter of an hour they are to rush her to the hospital to have someone do it there because it closes so quickly. They have had to change it twice now. Anyway, I just thought it might help to know that food really should stop pouring out of your little baby soon, probably even has by now.

You're a stong woman Trish, being tested by the hardest things a mother can be tested with and you are doing great, I can't say I would be as strong and still standing if it were me.

Hope you got that nap in!

JenRooks

Amy said...

I will definitely pray for a quick recovery. That sounds so weird that they'd leave him with a gaping hole into his stomach! I mean, I'll take their word for it that that's best, but ... that's gotta be hard!

And don't forget: you are an AMAZING mom. I really mean that, I admire you so much.