Thought Swirls

This used to be a blog about infertility.

Really, it was about anything on my mind, but as that was infertility pretty much all the time, it was a blog about infertility.

Since May 31, it's been the Robbie Chronicles. Which makes sense, again because it is a blog about anything on my mind and of course Robbie is always on my mind. (Shit Fire, I'm going to have Willie Nelson in my head for days now.)

But I do sometimes think about other things.

The problem is that by the time I sit down to write about them I'm not thinking any more.

As I drive I tend to compose blog posts in my mind. That probably makes me crazy. I don't think about what groceries to get or how I should call my grandma. I think "Ohh.. I need to tell the internets about [insert not-really-amusing anecdote here]"

Tonight I'm surprisingly awake. Probably because Robbie and I slept until almost 2pm. Of course, we'd been up until 5, and he got up to eat (and me to pump) several times in there, but still, we lazed in bed until 2.

And I have so much on my mind. If only I could sort it all out.

I wanted to post something profound about the loss of my two babies yesterday. It was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And I remembered my babies. I think of them often.

It's a very strange thing to know that if either of them had lived, there wouldn't be a Robbie. I mean, theoretically, my first baby was due in August '07, and I conceived Robbie in December, so he COULD have, but realistically, he wouldn't have.

And I'm so glad to have Robbie.

I almost feel disloyal to my lost babies at how glad I am to have my Robbie, but that seems crazy, too.

Perhaps it was Robbie's soul trying to come and trying to come and finally getting here. I don't know. I'm not a deep theological thinker. I leave that to people wiser than me.

All I know for sure is that I love my lost babies even now. I wore their remembrance necklace to my baby shower a few weeks ago. I wanted to have them with me somehow.

And I wanted to post something about the debates. Specifically about abortion. But I have no idea even where to start there. And of course, it's such a volatile subject. Not that I mind volatile. In fact, most people who know me well would probably say I quite like it. (That's not entirely true. I really don't seek confrontation. I just don't fear it, either.)

I'm a pro-lifer who thinks it just can't be legislated so I tend to stick my head in the sand about the issue when it comes electing people.

I think it's wrong to kill babies. Black and White, yes?

But then I think, too, that had my Pre-E struck only a few weeks earlier, I would have had little choice but to have done exactly that. Or died. Which would have killed him anyway. Suddenly I'm in grey territory.

I said as much to David last night after the debates. He's not one to see in shades of grey and I clearly made him uncomfortable. His thoughtful answer was "But it didn't."

When I said that even at the 26 weeks that we made it, had Robbie not lived- which was a very real possibility- I could have been considered to have had an abortion. He looked at me like I was crazy. I explained that I ended a pregnancy to save my own life.

He said that there was no choice, if my life had ended, Robbie's would have, too. I told him it didn't matter. That while in THIS country, even the most extreme pro-lifers usually allow an exception for the life of the mother, not all of them do, and in many countries, that's not the case at all.

I told him it didn't matter how reasonable it was. If Robbie had died, it would have come down to the fact that I terminated a pregnancy to save my life. He simply shook his head and walked away.

I wasn't really trying to debate with him. I just don't know how to shake out my feelings on the whole matter.

Dead babies are bad. That much I know. How to make less dead babies is just something that I think is far too complicated for me to try to figure out how to legislate.

There are lots of topics that I want to discuss that I feel like deserve their own post.

I want to talk about circumcision.

I want to talk about how strange it is to suddenly be scared of getting pregnant when I spent so long trying to get & stay that way.

I want to talk about the sorrow I feel every time Robbie's monitor goes off. (Twice in 5 minutes last night around 5am.)

I want to talk about how much better David is doing.

I want to talk about how sick I am of eating chicken.

I want to talk about Synagis shots and health insurance and work stuff and financial woes and trading my car in and cats that pee on bathroom rugs and dogs with tumors on their feet and aunts who smoke but want to visit a baby with a history of chronic lung disease.


But instead, I sit down and think "I should show everyone that cute picture of Robbie." And I do. And then I make a bottle, feed the kid, rock/pat/sing/wipe-up-puke, pump, try to sleep, wake, make a bottle, feed the kid, rock/pat/sing/wipe-up-puke, pump.. you get the idea.

Just please know that Infertile Trish is still here. And I'm going to try to talk about things other than Robbie again someday. I think.

If you don't really care to hear my inner workings, you're always welcome to view just Robbie's Blog for status reports and pictures. The same information is posted here. Robbie and I are too connected for the two not to cross over. But his blog tends to be more succinct.

I started it mostly for family, friends and coworkers who I wouldn't necessarily want to invite to read the details of my quest to motherhood. Not that I'm ashamed of any of it, I'm quite out of the closet to everyone. But sometimes I want to bitch about the ignorant thing one of them says and I enjoy having this space as just mine.

And Robbie deserves his own as well.

Hopefully there are still some of you out there that like Infertile Trish even a portion as much as you like Robbie's Mom.

And with that, it's time to put that hat back on. Time to make a bottle.

--Trish