Friday, October 17, 2008

Thought Swirls

This used to be a blog about infertility.

Really, it was about anything on my mind, but as that was infertility pretty much all the time, it was a blog about infertility.

Since May 31, it's been the Robbie Chronicles. Which makes sense, again because it is a blog about anything on my mind and of course Robbie is always on my mind. (Shit Fire, I'm going to have Willie Nelson in my head for days now.)

But I do sometimes think about other things.

The problem is that by the time I sit down to write about them I'm not thinking any more.

As I drive I tend to compose blog posts in my mind. That probably makes me crazy. I don't think about what groceries to get or how I should call my grandma. I think "Ohh.. I need to tell the internets about [insert not-really-amusing anecdote here]"

Tonight I'm surprisingly awake. Probably because Robbie and I slept until almost 2pm. Of course, we'd been up until 5, and he got up to eat (and me to pump) several times in there, but still, we lazed in bed until 2.

And I have so much on my mind. If only I could sort it all out.

I wanted to post something profound about the loss of my two babies yesterday. It was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And I remembered my babies. I think of them often.

It's a very strange thing to know that if either of them had lived, there wouldn't be a Robbie. I mean, theoretically, my first baby was due in August '07, and I conceived Robbie in December, so he COULD have, but realistically, he wouldn't have.

And I'm so glad to have Robbie.

I almost feel disloyal to my lost babies at how glad I am to have my Robbie, but that seems crazy, too.

Perhaps it was Robbie's soul trying to come and trying to come and finally getting here. I don't know. I'm not a deep theological thinker. I leave that to people wiser than me.

All I know for sure is that I love my lost babies even now. I wore their remembrance necklace to my baby shower a few weeks ago. I wanted to have them with me somehow.

And I wanted to post something about the debates. Specifically about abortion. But I have no idea even where to start there. And of course, it's such a volatile subject. Not that I mind volatile. In fact, most people who know me well would probably say I quite like it. (That's not entirely true. I really don't seek confrontation. I just don't fear it, either.)

I'm a pro-lifer who thinks it just can't be legislated so I tend to stick my head in the sand about the issue when it comes electing people.

I think it's wrong to kill babies. Black and White, yes?

But then I think, too, that had my Pre-E struck only a few weeks earlier, I would have had little choice but to have done exactly that. Or died. Which would have killed him anyway. Suddenly I'm in grey territory.

I said as much to David last night after the debates. He's not one to see in shades of grey and I clearly made him uncomfortable. His thoughtful answer was "But it didn't."

When I said that even at the 26 weeks that we made it, had Robbie not lived- which was a very real possibility- I could have been considered to have had an abortion. He looked at me like I was crazy. I explained that I ended a pregnancy to save my own life.

He said that there was no choice, if my life had ended, Robbie's would have, too. I told him it didn't matter. That while in THIS country, even the most extreme pro-lifers usually allow an exception for the life of the mother, not all of them do, and in many countries, that's not the case at all.

I told him it didn't matter how reasonable it was. If Robbie had died, it would have come down to the fact that I terminated a pregnancy to save my life. He simply shook his head and walked away.

I wasn't really trying to debate with him. I just don't know how to shake out my feelings on the whole matter.

Dead babies are bad. That much I know. How to make less dead babies is just something that I think is far too complicated for me to try to figure out how to legislate.

There are lots of topics that I want to discuss that I feel like deserve their own post.

I want to talk about circumcision.

I want to talk about how strange it is to suddenly be scared of getting pregnant when I spent so long trying to get & stay that way.

I want to talk about the sorrow I feel every time Robbie's monitor goes off. (Twice in 5 minutes last night around 5am.)

I want to talk about how much better David is doing.

I want to talk about how sick I am of eating chicken.

I want to talk about Synagis shots and health insurance and work stuff and financial woes and trading my car in and cats that pee on bathroom rugs and dogs with tumors on their feet and aunts who smoke but want to visit a baby with a history of chronic lung disease.

But instead, I sit down and think "I should show everyone that cute picture of Robbie." And I do. And then I make a bottle, feed the kid, rock/pat/sing/wipe-up-puke, pump, try to sleep, wake, make a bottle, feed the kid, rock/pat/sing/wipe-up-puke, pump.. you get the idea.

Just please know that Infertile Trish is still here. And I'm going to try to talk about things other than Robbie again someday. I think.

If you don't really care to hear my inner workings, you're always welcome to view just Robbie's Blog for status reports and pictures. The same information is posted here. Robbie and I are too connected for the two not to cross over. But his blog tends to be more succinct.

I started it mostly for family, friends and coworkers who I wouldn't necessarily want to invite to read the details of my quest to motherhood. Not that I'm ashamed of any of it, I'm quite out of the closet to everyone. But sometimes I want to bitch about the ignorant thing one of them says and I enjoy having this space as just mine.

And Robbie deserves his own as well.

Hopefully there are still some of you out there that like Infertile Trish even a portion as much as you like Robbie's Mom.

And with that, it's time to put that hat back on. Time to make a bottle.



Jennifer said...

Good for you!
I am glad that you had a few minutes to get a few things off your chest. The debate the other night made my decision so much more confirmed! There is no way that I will allow the government intervene in our health care system! I can only imagine what a ZOO will be!!!! Regarding the abortion topic, the memorandum of freedom is such a JOKE! Can you imagine people getting those rights? Did you hear that McCain is wanting to double the child tax credit? I can't wait to learn more about that. Ok, off the soap box! Have a graet weekend and I can't wait to see more pics of the cutie :)

Tom & Shannon said...

I still like infertile trish :) it sounds stupid, but i feel like you're a kind of role model for me. IF is hard, but having friends like you make it much easier.

Newt said...

Hi Trish,

Thanks for your post--I have read a lot of infertile folks weighing in on the debate, and it's been a huge learning experience. I confess my first thought when they started talking about the health of the mother exemption was exactly what you're talking about--how could they possibly legislate that? I've known so so many women who had to make the awful decision to deliver at twenty-something weeks because of a grave condition. I can't imagine how the state could legislate such a thing in any reasonable way.

Anyway, I'm happy to read your thoughts on Robbie or non-Robbie topics. And yay for Willie Nelson! I'm happy to have that song in my head all day.

Anonymous said...

I visit your blog almost everday and your my daily inspiration as well as Robbie! I do love to hear about Robbie and see pics but I feel like I am there with when you write...I feel you everyday and everything pain as well as mommy pains. I feel that things happen for a reason and truley believe that the 2 babies you lost have combined to become Robbie. SO remeber you other 2 babies and enjoy your angel Robbie! Also do not let anyone tell you how to feel....or make you feel bad because of you feelings or words. Your a inspiration to us all Trish! Keep up the awesome blog and write what you feel and think, thats what keeps the rest of coming back, since sometime we feel alone. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family everyday so don't change and keep up the great blog and of course keep upwith the adorable pics.

Me said...

I have a cat that compulsively pees on the bathroom rug too. I've replaced the darn thing a half dozen times in the last 2 years. It drives me absolutely nuts!

Anonymous said...

Why is the mother's physical health more important than her mental health? I terminated a pregnancy in April because my child was diagnosed with down syndrome and a fatal heart condition. In addition to feeling it was the right thing to do for her, to not let her suffer, I could not have faced carrying a child to term just to lose her at birth. I repeat, I could not mentally have done it.

Trish said...

anonymous-I don't recall saying that. And I don't have an answer for you. My heart breaks that you had to face that choice.
I can't say what I'd have done in your shoes.
I don't feel like a parent should be forced to carry a child w/no hope of life.

but I also don't know how to balance that against my beliefs, either.

As I said, I'm very conflicted.

Amy said...

I really liked this post. So much to respond to ... and now you have my appetite whetted to hear more on the things you alluded to. (Eluded to? I get those mixed up.)

And I remember your other two babies often, too. ((((Trish))))

Lorraine said...

It's always great to see that someone can see past what they are "supposed" to think - based on party affiliation or family tradition or whatever - and let their own experiences and compassionate understanding guide them. I think it's so hard to straddle these views without knowing that there is support from other women with similarly conflicted feelings about these issues, so it is important to bring these topics up in a friendly way.

As for concentrating on Robbie now, all is as it should be. Enjoy your time with him, and blog about anything you like - you will have so much to share with other new mothers that inevitably that will be a focus. I'll keep reading just because he is soooo cute! And I'll never forget that your blog filled a real need for me when I felt so alone and lost in the world of IF.

Valerie said...

Girl, you are so eloquent with your thoughts. I totally understand, and I am so thankful for my daughter while at the same time missing my lost babies.

Thinking of you.