My thyroid results came back fine. I'm just crazy. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. It seems silly to wish for a health problem (thyroid issues) but then it would have been nice to have something with the hope of being fixed.
The increased dose of Lexapro (now 20mg) is helping, though. I changed doses on Friday. I spent most of Friday feeling pretty much like an anxious zombie. Saturday was a little better but I still had some time in the evening that wasn't pleasant and left me exhausted. I didn't see midnight on New Years for what I'm pretty sure is the first time in my entire adult life. Sunday was a little better still.
Monday was pretty nice with just a little tense feeling in the evening. The nanny was going to come on Tuesday but texted early on Monday to tell me she wasn't going to be able to after all (funeral) and it ALMOST got me. The biggest trigger I have is still feeling overwhelmed with the kids by myself. (Though I still can't tell you why. We're by ourselves all the time and so far so good, but it still gets me.) But I fought it off. I thought about all the days we've gotten through just fine and dandy and we managed. I had to really concentrate on fighting it off for a while, but Robbie and I had a tumbling, tickling match just before his bedtime and I was able to feel really present for that in spite of it. That was a major victory. Normally the last thing I can take when I'm feeling super tense is being bounced on, but we had fun.
Today is the first day I can say I felt sane all day. It was remarkable really. I forget how nice it feels to live my life. When I'm in the pit of anxiety I can list all my blessings, but I can't *FEEL* them. But when I have a day like today I can. It's such an odd feeling, really. I know that yesterday I felt hopeless and anxious. But today that feels like it was someone else. It's so surreal.
It really makes me understand why people stop taking their meds. You start to feel like that was all in your mind. You feel fine now so why take medicine? You must have just been having an off day. Of course, I realize that isn't the case, but it's amazing how distant the bad days feel on the good days. And on the bad days, it feels like there will never be good days again, so it really feels distant. It's hard to describe to anyone who hasn't felt it.
In maybe-related news, my period returned this week. Yes, at 7 weeks postpartum, despite the fact that I'm exclusively breastfeeding Charlotte. It returned at 8 weeks with Robbie, but I assumed that had to do with pumping instead of nursing. Apparently not. Apparently I'm just lucky like that. Honestly, we are 100% done with baby making so I could happily be done with those permanently but this sort of seems like insult to injury. I'm sure PMS is not adding to my mental stability here. I can't help but wonder if it was responsible for my resurgence of symptoms last week.
In any case, today was a better day. Hoping tomorrow is, too. Hoping for lots and lots of better days.
P.S. If you haven't read http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/ this yet, you should. The Bloggess is one of the funniest writers on the web... and crazy like the rest of us.