bitter ramblings

My puppy doesn't have cancer. *phew*
The vet called this morning and all is well. I wasn't entirely worried, but there's always that nagging in the back of my head anyway. I'm relieved.
He still looks funny with shaved spots & stitches all over the place but he doesn't even seem to notice. I think he heard the vet say "E collar" and decided to behave. Stitches come out next week.

In the world of infertility, pretty much nothing new. My period came and went w/o much incident. My cramps were actually lighter than normal. Not sure why, but I'm certainly not complaining.

We're strictly forbidden from TTC this month since I have my SHG on Tuesday. That's likely the day I'll ovulate, so it's pointless anyway. We'll live.

Emotionally, I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. My thoughts are filled with what it would be like to be a mother.

On the way home from work I was remembering a conversation I had with my husband probably 2 years ago. I don't even think we'd started TTC yet. I asked him if he thought he'd cry when our baby was born. He's the strong silent type. He looked at me like I was crazy. Of COURSE he wouldn't. When I mentioned a friend of his who still tears up when mentioning his son's birth, he scoffed. His friend is the sensitive type. David would never succumb to such nonsense.

Of course, we didn't know the path we'd be traveling then. I've since seen my husband cry simply seeing our first baby's heartbeat on a screen. I've listened to him ask about our wee grain of rice and tell me how he loves me and our little bean. And of course, we've never made it past 8 weeks. If he's such a sap already, I have a feeling he'll cry if/when we manage to actually birth a live one.

I got so emotional just thinking about the possibility of that day I started bawling in the car. Of course, I got home and he promptly annoyed the shit out of me and ruined the moment. Such is married life.

I did have an amusing bitter bitch moment at work yesterday. A coworker is pregnant. (Isn't EVERYone?) She'd informed me they were trying for #2 about a month after my first miscarriage. She was actually the first person that I ever had verbal diarrhea with. She heard all about how we'd been trying and I just had a miscarriage - all in a span of about 10 seconds. I walked away feeling like a moron. She lost her first baby as well, so I think that's what made me spew senselessly.

Anyway, she had come to tell me it didn't work 1st try (as it had with her first two pregnancies) and then I hadn't heard anything else. I assumed she was pregnant based on her silence. Three months later I was proved correct. She's now about 7 months pregnant.

The two coworkers on either side of me were debating how far along she was. I informed them she was 7 months. They both looked at me as if to say "And how do YOU know?" I just laughed and said "I'm acutely aware of all pregnant women. Ask me anything." I got a twisted amount of pleasure in the uncomfortable silence that followed.

Sometimes I do enjoy my bitterness. I figure I'm uncomfortable all the time. Let some other people be. I also find it amazing how uncomfortable just the allusion to my infertility can make people. Fuck it.

Speaking of bitter, I'll be spending the weekend with my MIL. (I'm bitter, not her.) I think it will be okay. I do believe she's sensed my discomfort with some of her comments (and lack thereof.) She's actually written me two letters in the last month. In both she mentioned how we hadn't had the chance to talk recently.

The last time we did talk, she questioned why I was off work for so long and I said quite flatly "I was having the never ending miscarriage." with that tone that says "are you stupid?" Apparently she's in the no-big-deal camp.

Again- Fuck that. Honestly, for all the hell I'd have to go through to get off work for as many doctor's appointments as I had, it was pointless to go to work. Never mind the fear of hemorrhaging at any given moment since they kept saying it was imminent. All of which I told her. That seemed to get through to her. She softened and said she didn't know it had been like that. Only her sad tone kept me from adding "That's because you didn't ask."

I know she's never experienced a miscarriage herself, but you'd think she might recognize that as sad as SHE is, we're 1000 times sadder and cut me some slack. Perhaps that's what the letters are about. Maybe she feels the distance between us and knows she's responsible for a good chunk of it and is trying to heal? I guess we'll see how the weekend goes.

In less bitter news- my friend has decided NOT to use the baby girl name we want to use. We had a very, very good talk. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me and would have never considered the name had she realized we wanted it. "Friends don't do that to friends." (This, of course, made me sob.) I may be a bitter bitch, but damn I've got great friends.


--Trish