Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Next Step

I was a depressed teenager.

I was going to say I was a melancholy teenager, but honestly, I was depressed. I had plenty to be depressed about, but that's for another blog. My point was that I was not a happy kid.

Depression as an illness isn't unlike infertility in that people are forever telling you what you SHOULD do. "Just relax" is pretty much the same thing as "look at all you have to be thankful for." And "Are you sure you want all THIS? *knowing look at children's chaos/noise/mess across the room*" isn't any different than "But you are in the prime of your life."

People tend to think both are just someone blowing things out of proportion and if you'd just pull yourself up by the boot straps and get the hell over yourself, you'd be just fine.

Well, fuck that.

I don't think I'm clinically depressed, don't worry. I'm really just saying that this struggle has reminded me a lot of my teenage years.

Anyway, that's not what this is about. Really, it's just that one of the things that got me through my adolescence was music. Mostly angry stuff. I really should write Tori Amos a letter and thank her for Little Earthquakes because it probably quite literally saved my life back then. We actually considered honeymooning in Barbados (and will likely vacation there sometime soon) because of the song "Me and a Gun." I almost never listen to that particular album as an adult because doing so takes me back about 15 years and I find myself very angry again.

And now that I'm dealing with so much sadness & frustration....and yes, sometimes anger, I find myself turning to music again. If you've been with me since the blog beginning (or have read back through- God bless your soul) you've seen me reference several songs that have moved me. Mostly from the Dixie Chicks, though not because I'm any HUGE fan of theirs, it's just worked out that way.

The last few weeks I've gotten hooked on facebook. A friend got me hooked on one of the applications- iLike. It's basically just musical trivia from iTunes. They play a clip and you guess the artist or song name. With that has come a trip down memory lane and an introduction to some new songs. The clip is short (the quicker you answer, the more points, and I'm a point hog, so I don't get to hear much most of the time.) but sometimes if it's something I haven't heard and like it, I'll look it up.

That's how I found I can't unlove you by Kenny Rogers. It's clearly not a song about miscarriage. But, of course, I see infertility, miscarriage & pregnancy in everything. The clip I heard was just a few lyrics so I went and looked them up.

These words got me:

Interstates and old songs: like time, they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you.
Tell myself: "It's meant to be this way."
No matter how I try, some things I can't change.

I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
I'm finding out it's impossible to do, oh whoa
Oh, it's no use: I can't unlove you.

And of course, I cried. I wish I could unremember everything my heart's been through. Hmmph.

It doesn't help that I've had what is apparently a severe case of PMS. I actually almost convinced myself I was pregnant again for a few days. My boobs hurt a bit and my uterus felt weird. And tonight I was very, very cranky. Which is pretty much a perfect description of my first pregnancy. I don't normally get PMS, (and I'm a moron) so my mind didn't go straight to PMS. I started thinking maybe I should go buy a FRER. An hour or so later it hit me that it was more likely PMS than some magical conception. In 2 years of not conceiving from sex, you'd think I'd get it, eh?

Anyway, I started spotting just a little bit ago, so yes, it was PMS. Funny how even though I REALLY needed AF to show so we could get a move on, I was still bummed to see her. I really, really would love to be that bitch we all hate who "suddenly" gets pregnant after years of trying. So much for that.

So, we move on. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and see about scheduling the SHG. After which, I'm hoping to convince her to induce a period rather than having to wait for another to start trying again. This is assuming, of course, that things are fine in my uterus. We'll see what she says.

In the meantime, my dog goes in for minor surgery tomorrow. He's having his teeth cleaned and some moles removed. He's 9 1/2 and has quite a few. His breed (boxer) is prone to a particular kind of cancer that can look like anything, so we're going to err on the side of caution and have them removed. I worry, cause he and my 3 cats (yeah, I'm THAT girl) really are my family. So if you've got a moment to say a prayer that everything goes & is okay, I'd really appreciate it.



niobe said...

But, of course, I see infertility, miscarriage & pregnancy in everything

Me too.

Sending prayers for your dog.

Fertilize Me said...

sending a prayer for you and the pooch

Diana said...

Sending good thoughts for your puppy. Sorry about af showing too.

BTW, I LOVE that Tori album. It's on my ipod so randomly songs come up. I always pause and listen when Me and a Gun comes on. Such a brilliant album. You and I could've hung out back then.

The Bugala's said...

DAMN girl you made me cry reading those lyrics! Sending positive vibes for you and drooler. :) Love ya

Marz said...

I'm sorry it was PMS :(

I'm hooked on Facebook too & I had the I like application & stupidly just removed it because I had over 4100 points in that stupid game, lol.
Glad to see you back.