Monday, September 17, 2007

The cycle continues

It's all getting to me again.
Really, I think partly because of the miscarriage(s) I've been more focused on my sorrow than on my infertility lately.
But the infertility is starting to get to me again.

It's been a really rough week emotionally speaking. Someone I care about has decided to use the girl name we wanted. (Well, I wanted, and David was okay-but-not-in-love-with.) This lead to some unpleasant emotions on my part and I'm afraid I've upset her, too. This isn't someone who is part of my social circle so we COULD use the name if wanted anyway (and David says we will) but I feel weird about it now. And as completely irrational as it is, I feel like something ELSE was stolen from me.

I don't think that I feel that SHE stole it. I feel like life did, if that makes any sense at all. I should have already had a baby _______. (She doesn't wish to disclose the name, so out of respect for her, I'll keep it to myself here as well.) It's just all so much. And the idea of seeing her name on a regular basis, well, frankly, it stings. As I told her, I will get over it. I know I will. But for now, it hurts.

I also had a work meeting with a very pregnant coworker. She and I actually went to high school together and showed up our first day on the job and caught up a bit. She lost her first baby, so she's not one of the smug fertiles. But she did conceive the first try twice. And this one was on her 2nd month. Sitting next to her in the meeting I felt like there were lights and beacons pointing to her belly. Someone with a bullhorn was screaming in the back of the brain "YES, TRISH YOU ARE STILL NOT PREGNANT. LOOK WHAT SHE HAS AND YOU DON'T." Suffice it to say, I didn't hear much of the meeting. (That MIGHT have been a good thing.)

Today I went to a local get together for moms & TTCers. I know that some of you think I'm insane for going, but I've always been a bit of a masochist. The women are really great, though. And I'm not the only infertile member of the group, so I'm not the only odd one out.

I started to cry on the way over. I don't remember what lead to the thought, but I started thinking about what a great husband I have. That lead to wondering how he got to be such a great guy and I started thinking about his dad. I was thinking how he was shown how to be great because his dad was so wonderful. (He sadly passed away about 3 years ago.) All of that lead me to think of what a great role model David would be for our son, which made me smile. Reality quickly set in and I realized he may never have that chance. That's when the tears came. It was quick and I think I shook myself out of it realizing how stupid it was to be driving down the highway crying about something so hazy.

The get together was good. My friend who had her daughter at the same time I was due the first time was there with beautiful baby Clare. How bitter sweet that is. I got lots of time to hold her and talk to her and really enjoyed myself. It's funny how I worry so much that I'll cry when I see her, knowing I should have one, too. But really, it hasn't happened. I did have a moment where I thought how fun it would have been to have had them both there - probably a few days apart in age. But it was only a fleeting thought. I was distracted from my wistful thoughts by children laughing. If only my own children's laughter could distract me as well.

Tonight I watched "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO. It's a rather melancholy show about relationships. One of the couples is TTC and in the beginning stages of an infertility dx.

The technical parts are really awful. In tonight's episode, for example, the wife is shown peeing on a stick and runs to announce "I'm surging!" (accurate, IMO) but then says "I'm estrogenic!" A first month charter knows that it's LH that surges, not estrogen. They really need an infertile advisor. Screw paying a doctor, I'd do it for free.

The emotional aspects are actually pretty good. They seem to be building up to a male factor diagnosis and as that's a large portion of our problems, I think they've nailed a good bit of the emotional impact it has. In the pilot (last week) there is a scene where the wife is giving the husband a hand job (did I mention the show is EXTREMELY sexually graphic?) and after he finishes, she's staring at his semen as though she's perplexed and maybe angry. God is that familiar.

I've honestly found myself angry with my husband's balls at times. Insane, I know. But there it is. They let me down. It was never anger at my husband, oddly enough. Specifically, it was his sex organs. I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with that. Fortunately I'm MOSTLY over that. I think the IUIs helped. The wash has helped his count a lot and I'm not so fixed on what I need coming from them. A lot better, all around. (Of course, I'm quite angry with my ovaries and I'm not remotely over that, but you know, what's a girl to do?)

The most interesting part of the show is after it's over. They have "real couples" commenting on the episode. There is one particular couple I'd just love to smack. One of the aspects that is shown quite well is the toll TTC takes on a sex life. How sex becomes a chore. The man in the "real couple" keeps talking about how he'd never be resentful of having to perform on command. And the wife defends the character saying "well, she made him that way!" (To which the man responds that he'd like to have his problems. *insert hearty guffaw here*) I love the dismissive attitude about the whole thing. I'd love to see a real infertile couple there.

They do have a lesbian couple there talking about their plans to have a child and the worries they have about being able to conceive. But they are looking forward. They're not embroiled in it yet. So it's still not the same. But funny how the two lesbians gets it more than this dipshit in the heterosexual "real couple."

Anyway, back to real life. My SHG is scheduled for next Tuesday, the 25th. I had hoped to have it and then have her induce my next cycle so we didn't have to wait. But since they're doing it so late, it's quite likely that I'll have either ovulated the day before or will be ovulating that day, so it really wouldn't speed things up much, so I won't even bother.

They're not going to do the full HSG. Since I've gotten pregnant twice- both in my uterus- they don't think there is a problem in my tubes. I've heard the dye hurts like hell, so I'm thankful to be spared something, at least.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of charting and pill popping this month. I had stopped my Metformin & extra folate etc etc after the miscarriage, mostly in protest. So now I've got to build back up again and remember to take stuff regularly. The old lady 7 day pill organizer is back in my purse. Another 3 weeks and we're back in the game again. I'm sure you can feel my excitement.

Hope everyone out there is well. I've really appreciated your comments and support despite my infrequent postings.



Carrie said...

I'm just back to posting too, glad you're back.

I'm so sorry about the name business. We have a name for a girl too and I will be so upset if anyone takes it. When my SIL was pregnant I was really scared, it seemed to me that every part of their pregnancy was destined to rub salt into my wounds and that would have finished the job nicely. It didn't happen but I know how bad I would have felf if it had.

I also get the bitter sweet nature of your relationship with your friends baby. I love my niece but just once in a while I look at her and just think how different life would be if things had gone differently.

The TV show sounds bizarre. A hand job, on TV, no way!! I think the real life opinions may make me boil over though. I find people who are clueless sharing their half boiled ideas on what infertiles should do just too much to cope with ;-)

Fertilize Me said...

Good luck getting back in the swing of things. and i hope teh Met is good to you.

Kristen said...

I'm sorry the IF is getting to you. We all have our good days and bad days. So I totally understand where you are coming from.

I'm glad the mommy & TTC group went well, despite your dreadful anticipation of it. I find that I pysche myself out alot and once I get there I'm okay. It is more when I'm alone that I have time to reflect and can do the most damage to myself.

I have been commenting on TMYLM on my blog for the past two weeks. I also wanted to smack that one couple - obviously fertile. But the lesbians seemed touched by it. I'm glad its getting through to someone. I'll be curious to see what other couples think about it.

Oh, and on the HBO website, you can send in your own video or comments. I would like to convince DH to do it but I have a strong sense that he'll nix the idea. Maybe we should all write in about the infertility couple?!

Trish said...

Kristen.. I'll definitely have to go check out the HBO site and post something. I always joke that we're so out of the closet about our issues that we're not even in the house anymore. I definitely will have to post something.

I'd never want to do video cause I hate being on camera, but I always have plenty to say.

And Carrie.. it is HBO, so it's not network TV, but it's very, very graphic. It's practically porn, honestly. Full male nudity. I think it might be the first show I've seen where there was more male nudity than female.

Sheridan said...

If the best wishes of people you've never met count for anything, I am sending heaps your way. Plus, maybe just a glimmer of good news - the HSG didn't bother me very much at all, just a little bit of very mild cramping afterwards - of course it's different for everyone, but there is the chance that it won't be so bad...

All sorts of positive, thriving and chromosomally-perfect wishes to you!

Amy said...

Good update, thanks! I love you lots.

tryingin2007 said...

one good thing about that show is that it makes me feel incredibly great about my own marriage. a few of those couples are so painful to watch! yikes!

I'm glad to see you back!

Marz said...

That sucks about the name, I'm sorry :(
Good luck with the HSG next week, hope all goes well.

i'll have to see if we get that show on our Canadian tv, i wouldn't mind giving it a watch.

Changing Expectations said...

Sorry about the name. I have a cousin that renamed a baby that she adopted to the name that I told her we had picked out.

Thinking about you with the HSG. Hope that it goes well.