Sunday, October 14, 2007

Pondering hope

Surgery is scheduled.
Wednesday at noon.

I've done some research on the septum. I came across some info that said that women with a septum have about an 18% chance at a successful pregnancy. After it's removed, success rates are close to normal.

I wish that I could take some great comfort in that. But I just keep thinking about all the stuff that statistically shouldn't have happened.

Chance of us experiencing miscarriage? 16%
Chance of both of us having problems? 10% (of the 16%)
Chance of 1 miscarriage? 20%
Chance of 2? 15%
Chance of a Septum? 1%

Everyone is so hopeful that this is "the answer." I want it to be, God knows I do. But all I can think is "what if it's not?"

A close friend who has recently given birth after a battle with IF & miscarriage wrote this week and told me that she knows it's hard to have hope, so she'd hope for me.

I gave a lot of thought to that and you know, hope is such a bittersweet emotion. Obviously I have some hope. We all have some hope- if we didn't, we wouldn't still be trying. But to speak of the hope, to admit it, to say it out loud- it makes me feel so vulnerable. I don't know what it is about saying it out loud that makes it more dangerous- but it does.

People who haven't been through it just don't get it. To have people tell me "But you have to think positive" makes me want to scream. YOU think positive. Me, I need my cynicism. I need to protect myself. After 2 years, 5 rounds of Clomid, 4 IUIs, 3 surgeries, 2 miscarriages, about 100 dildo-cammings, about a billion hoo-ha exams & still no baby- I beg of you, please leave me at least my cynicism.

I know it's probably an argument in semantics, but to hear "I am so hopeful for you" is a world of difference from "You have to have hope." Yeah. Maybe I DO have to hope. But do we have to talk about it?

And it's funny that hope I can have for other people. For friends suffering through the same things, I can feel such unadulterated joy when they win a battle. I can really hope for them. I can even say it out loud.

So the deal is this- you hope for me. I'll hope for you.


Trish

9 comments:

Kristen said...

I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way for Wednesday. And I can definitely have hope for you when you can't have hope for yourself :)

I just wanted to share with you that an online friend of mine had a massive septum removed in 2006. It went from the top of her uterus to the bottom and was quite thick. She is now 26 weeks pregnant.

I hope that you'll be the next success story. XOXO

Kierstin said...

have not posted to your blog in awhile but have been checking in.

I hope all goes well for you on Wednesday. I will be thinking of you.

If you need anything, you know where I am. :)

wanttobeamom said...

It's a deal! I'll hope for you and you hope for me. I'll definitely be thinking of you on Wednesday and praying it goes well.

The Bugala's said...

We hope daily for you...Hope for answers..hope for success...hope for more answers...hope for everything.

You know where to find me this week if you need anything!

Diana said...

I have hope for you!!!!

Amy said...

It's a deal, Trish. Though I'm not ttc _quite_ yet, I am definitely game for hoping for you! And you know I understand wanting to scream at people who say crap about "you need to think positive" and whatever. :P to them and ((((hugs))) to you.

tryingin2007 said...

(I'm saying this out loud)

I have so much hope for you!!!!

this surgery may be exactly what you need. it might be the answer to your IF nightmare. I hope so.

Meghan said...

Good luck tomorrow!!

I'll be hoping for ya!

Marz said...

Oh I sure hope this is it for you.
I didn't realize the statistics, wow!
Good luck & I will be thinking of you. Hope all goes well from here on for you.