Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tears

Today has been an tear filled day.

I was officially lapped. I wish I could say I congratulated the lapper. I couldn't. I want so much to be happy, but all I felt was empty. Not even jealous. Just empty.

Another friend is in labor. Last word she was dialated to 7 and well on her way. She's not had an easy time. She took a year to conceive. They're both in the military. He's deployed & she's in a foreign country giving birth by herself. I would say it's not a position I envy, but we all know that's only partly true.

I am happy for her- but again- the emptiness. I can remember commiserating with her own jealousy when it just wasn't happening for her. And she's now giving birth to a baby girl. I'm still here waiting to start trying again.

I feel so disconnected from everything around me. I sat at my desk at work and cried tonight. Not for any specific reason. Just everything. I keep watching life moving on around me and I feel stuck. Same Trish. Different day.

Then tonight on the drive home from work, I found myself behind a stalled car near home. At first I pulled around them. But something told me to check. As they pushed their car to the side of the road, I backed up & asked if they needed a ride. They turned out to be out of gas and a little lost.

They were a nice couple. Probably around 40, newlyweds married only 3 months- Dave & Dorothy. As I drove them to 2 gas stations to find a gas can & then back to their car, they told me about how they'd given a woman a ride to the metro stop coming from the exhibit they'd just left. Funny how Karma found them so quickly.

When their car finally started, he shook my hand & she hugged me. I headed towards home & sobbed. I'd forgotten was it felt like to feel connected. How good it felt to actually feel joy.


All over 15 minute favor. Who knew?

--Trish

17 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

trish - i just want to hug you right now ... being lapped is a awful feeling. I am also going through days in just a foggy haze.

I know that couple is very grateful for you

Will they have his eyes? said...

I know how you feel and want to commiserate with you. I wish we could hug each other and not just type that we're sending "big hugs". I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish we could make it all go away.

That was so wonderful of you to help that couple...hopefully karma will find her way back to you very soon :-)

Carrie said...

Being lapped is so very hard. I'm sorry it all feels so hopeless right now xx

Diana said...

Hoping the karma comes back your way very soon.

Meghan said...

Being lapped sucks. There's nothing worse than seeing someone else so far ahead of you. It's happened more times than I want to count.

I'm sure that couple is beyond grateful that you stopped to help them. Hopefully you'll get some good karma from that!

Milo said...

(((Hugs)))

wanttobeamom said...

I'm so sorry! Being lapped is so hard. I'm glad you got the opportunity to help someone else though. Maybe you could look for more opportunities to help other people, since it seemed to be so edifying for you?? I'm thinking of you.

niobe said...

I know it's probably a stretch, but I'm imagining you to be (metaphorically, anyway) in the same position as that couple in the stalled car -- out of gas and a little lost. I'm so hoping that someone or something will (metaphorically, again) stop and give you a ride to where you want to go.

Amy said...

(((((hugs)))))

Yodasmistress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yodasmistress said...

I saw your blog listed on the MSN board and thought I would venture over to read a bit.

Being lapped is a special kind of suck that not a lot of people can understand. ((HUGS))

Colleen said...

oh dear...I just figured out what lapped meant.

*links arms with Trish*
we are just on the slow track.

HUGS

hope548 said...

What a lovely thing you did for those people. I wonder how many people drove on past them. I'm sorry about the lapping. My husband and I have been married far longer than any of our friends and I feel lapped each time one of them has a baby!
Take care.

Changing Expectations said...

Being lapped is a terrible feeling. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Hang in there.

Karma is a funny thing. One day the good karma will find you. Have no doubt.

Marz said...

Awww.... Trish...((((HUGS)))) sweetie.
I'm sure your good deed today will not go unnoted by the higher ups.

Kristen said...

Oh goodness, being lapped is the worst feeling. I am so sorry. I know the feeling of emptiness you speak of. It's like I can't even muster joy or envy. I just feel like that is one more person I will grow distant from.

You were so sweet and caring to stop for that newlywed couple. You are such a great person. XOXO

Kami said...

I know I am a little late for this one, but wanted to say I understand. It was wonderful that in your sadness you were still able to help a stranger.

My sister took almost two years to conceive her second child. She never needed any medical intervention though so while she thinks she had a hard time, it looks so easy from here. I think dealing with your friend my feel somewhat similar. You could commiserate for a time, but she moved on and now can't really relate to your journey anymore.