Sunday, October 7, 2007


Anxiety is getting the better of me.

This is the first I'm speaking of it to anyone. I hate to even admit it to myself.

I've had panic attacks since I was a kid. I was medicated for generalized anxiety disorder about 5 years ago, for about 18 months. I haven't had an actual anxiety attack since stopping the medication but this week, I feel like I'm on the edge of having them again.

The thing that seems to get me the most is thinking about being pregnant & losing another baby.

Everyone is so hopeful about the septum surgery working and all I can think is "What if doesn't?" I am having a hard time accepting that the septum explains everything. I keep wondering if the septum was the reason for my losses if we'd have gotten as far as we did in both pregnancies. If there wasn't enough blood supply to our babies, would they ever have gotten a heartbeat? No one knows the answer. I know that.

I've been doing so well with accepting things that are beyond my control. I pray. I listen to "I surrender all" and I get by. But this week, I'm still having that churning, sick feeling in my stomach where I can't hardly function. I'm just filled with fear.

Today I went to the spa to use the gift card that my friends sent. My first treatment was a really great massage. Of course, as I lay there I was thinking of the REASON they sent the gift card (my 2nd loss) and that lead my brain down that whole path. So I was literally laying on the massage table with my stomach churning with fear.

I realized how stupid it was and did some breathing exercises & focused on how I was feeling physically rather than on what I was thinking and got through it. So far- no panic attack.

But it's getting to me. I don't know if this means I'm not ready to TTC again or not. I mean, we're still probably 5 weeks from that anyway. It's not like I have to make the decision now. But I don't know if this is really a sign that I'm not ready yet or if it's just one of those things that is never going to change so I need to just keep moving forward.

I was sitting here just now thinking how I wish I were one of those people that didn't believe a fetus was a life. Before I was pregnant, I felt really unsure of when I thought life began. But after having twice seen our babies' beating hearts on an ultrasound screen, I can tell you that I did feel like those were our children's lives. They started & stopped.

If I felt like it was later, maybe it would hurt less. Maybe the notion of going through it again would scare me less. I don't know. Maybe nothing would help.

The way it stands, though, I'm just filled with fear. I know that logically we've gotten through it twice. We'd do it again if we had to. But then what? What if we can never carry to term? Hell, what if I can't get pregnant again?

The idea of adoption is really, really scary to me. First- there is the money issue. We're fortunate to live in a state where infertility coverage is mandatory. Adoption would be 100% us. (Well, my company does offer a $5,000 adoption credit, but that's a drop in the bucket compared to what it costs.)But it's not even just the money. There is the whole process. I don't know where to begin. And the questions & paperwork and the worry about a birth mother changing her mind. I don't know if I can take it all.

So that leaves the idea of staying childless. Yeah. Stomach churning. I don't know how we'd do that, either. I know we'd be happy with each other forever. We love each other, we enjoy each other's company. But this is what we want - What I've always dreamed of. And to give that up- well, I'm not really ready to face that choice yet.

These are the thoughts that have filled my head & my heart the last week or so. I'm not really sure why it's all hitting me now.

Perhaps it's the idea that we might actually HAVE an answer. Maybe I just am too scared to accept that there might actually BE hope. You know that Hope and I have a tenuous relationship, at best. I don't know.

Once again- all together now- Infertility Sucks.


Oh. And P.S. Having mid-luteal phase spotting again this cycle. It happened last month, too. I assumed it was related to the D&C. But it's back yesterday & today. And Ovusoft decided it might be implantation spotting. Ha. I think I might have actually said "FUCK YOU" out loud when that message came up. (Unless my chart is all kinds of wrong, there is no chance we conceived this month. Nevermind the whole we-can't-conceive-on-our-own thing. Plus that would NOT be good news since we now know about the septum and would probably just mean another miscarriage.)


Fertilize Me said...

Hey Trish, I ahve been dealing withtheis same topic. Not that I understand it completely but I have been bombarded with fears of past treatment and fears of doubt and all kinds of crazy other fears this cycle. In the shower yesterday, I prayed over and over for God to help remove my fear/doubt/scars off all my past cycles so that I am able to function with out great amounts of fear. I am sorry if this comes acrossed super religious, because I am not. I just know that I cannot go on with such mental anguish. I will continue to pray that prayer for you. Wishing you much more happiness to come.

Kristen said...

I have suffered from panic disorder since I was 12 so I feel your pain. There are some times I can ease them off when I feel the pressure and anxiety building up but other times, the only thing that helps is my Xanax. To put myself at ease, I try to lay still and close my eyes and focus on my breathing. Sometimes it feels good to meditate and stop thinking so much.

That stress and fear will always be constant until you have a baby in your arms. The intensity will change based on our mood but it will always be there. We've just been conditioned to be disappointed now and we come to expect it. I hope that you can somehow find peace in this difficult time. I'm not super religious but I have found comfort lately in church, praying for help on how to deal.

I hope you can find something that will give you that source of comfort. I'll be thinking and praying for you. XOXO

Amy said...

Oh, man, I so wish things could be easier for you! Big hugs, and I'm praying for you. Love you!