Friday, August 12, 2011

Anxiety is really getting the better of me tonight.

I've had a pretty major case of what is most likely acid reflux most of the day. Tonight it started really burning up in my upper chest. I started to google for ideas to help when I saw it referenced as "epigastric pain."

Now, my understanding of epigastric pain was much lower, under the breast bone. That's certainly where it was when I was pregnant with Robbie. But a few sources say it can include the chest. And that's when the panic set in.

My blood pressure is fine. Better than fine, really. It was 115/70ish. Even after a warm bath and an hour of near panic attack, it's only 120/77. I'm not remotely swollen. My head doesn't hurt, my side only hurts in the dullest of ways (which is almost constant since my gallbladder surgery last year.) But it doesn't matter. The seed was planted in my head.

I've tried to read to distract myself but can't focus. Took a bath to try to relax but I couldn't really sit still long enough. I've tried to logic myself through it, but Anxiety has struck.

I had a talk with the baby (who has been pretty sedate all day but is pretty worked up tonight. Probably my own adrenaline revving her up. Yes, for the time being we're going with "she." Just go with it. No, we don't know which sex is true. I called Robbie "she" for 6 months, who knows?) I told her how much I love her. I apologized if my body fails her.

I'm only 22w. If disaster strikes, that's it. History has taught me that my body can betray me and my babies at any turn. God, please don't let it let us down again.

The thing is that the last few weeks I really feel like I've connected with this baby. I talk to her frequently. Sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud. I promised myself I wouldn't disconnect from this baby to try to protect myself. Every day together is a blessing and I'm going to count them. And for the most part, I think I have. I've enjoyed getting to know her habits and cycles. Quiet in the morning, busy at night. If I sneeze too hard, I get kicked for my trouble. If I let myself get hungry enough to make my tummy growl, she gets cranky, too. It's been fun. I'd like a whole lot more of it.

But when the panic sets in like it has tonight, it is that much harder. I can't help but envision the worst. And it's all the more real in my head because of the image of her that I've been building.

I'm trying to work through it. I took a prevacid and about an hour later, the pain eased significantly. I ate a little something and it didn't get worse. I'm trying to stop running The Worst through my head and focus on the image of a full term baby arriving in late November. Picture the look on everyone's faces as they visit and see a baby in my hospital room with me.

I came to the computer for more distraction and remembered a gospel song I heard on a Pandora station the other day. It wasn't a gospel station so it surprised me, but in a very good way. I looked it up and have listened to it a few times.

Slowly I can feel my heart rate slowing, my stomach untwisting. What will be will be. It's out of my hands. All I can do is pray and enjoy the baby's activity for however long I have it.

I would appreciate any prayers for peace and health you can spare us. It's 15 weeks to full term. Let's hope that's a lot of time to panic over nothing.



Searching said...

Praying for you, Trish!!!

Deep Thinker said...


And prayers!

stdonexus said...

::big hug::

kcoleman said...

Def keeping you and baby in my prayers and thoughts. Hope you can relax and that 15 weeks fly by without anything crazy going on.