I have definitely been feeling everyone's prayers since my last post. I've just felt calmer, more at peace and just bouyed by support that I know has come from all of you and from God.
That doesn't mean I'm not still worried, of course, and haven't had my "moments" but I haven't had the huge, all-out, gut-wrenching panic like I had been feeling. I've been able to talk myself through the moments of panic, rationalizing them and distracting myself instead of just spiraling downward.
The reflux is still kicking my ass. I've taken it extremely easy on my stomach this week, though in doing so I've managed to lose 4 pounds this week. Normally I'd be thrilled, but you know, for once, I don't want to lose weight, so I've been trying to eat more frequent snacks the last day or two to make up for it. Today was particularly bad again, though for the life of me, I don't know why. I had plain spaghetti (no sauce, no spices. Just a little butter and parmesan cheese) for lunch. I snacked on almonds in the afternoon (thanks for the tip, Mrs.Spit!), then had oatmeal (maple/brown sugar. not even any cinnamon) for dinner. But all day I had that feeling like I had a rock stuck in my chest. Nothing I couldn't handle, and the bright side of having it in my chest is that it's distinctly not my stomach, so I don't freak that it's secretly epigastric pain, but it's still unpleasant.
This is day 5 of Nexium. I definitely have far less burning than I had before, but I'm hoping with another few days of build up, it'll improve further. It's a small price to pay for the gift of this baby, but I can't say it's terribly pleasant either.
As for the gift I speak of, it's actually be a fun week. I'm leaning towards it being a girl (though keep in mind that I called Robbie "she" until 5 minutes before he was born, so what do I know?) so I've been calling her she a lot. She's been very active and somewhat regular intervals. I'm feeling more movement overall and in more places than before. Tonight I actually felt movement on the outside (with my hands) for the first time, and even saw my belly bounce a little once or twice. I just sat and touched and watched with a smile on my face for a while. Shortly thereafter, a coworker looked at me funny and said I seemed happy. I answered honestly that I was. Baby kicks are the best part.
My biggest fear for this pregnancy has been something awful happening before the baby even has a chance- before the medical community would even fight for her. That was been in my mind as The Worst. Now believe me, I know there are thousands of things that could go wrong outside of that, and that being born at 24 weeks is no guarantee at all. I know that better than most. But when my mind spirals into panic, the image the haunts me is one of me begging them to please just try. To please give me steroids, to please fight for a breath, to please fight for her life, and for a doctor with kind eyes but a decisive voice telling me it's just too early.
My first goal is 24 weeks. We need so much more than that, so, so much more. But I have to focus on baby steps or I will go crazy. At 24 weeks, they'll at least try. So as that goal has crept closer, it's scared and excited me. As I sit here tonight at 23w2d, I can feel 24 weeks so close. I vacillate between "only 5 more days.." and "5 more days is a long time.." The trouble with preeclampsia, particularly my kind, was how quick it came. If it hit now, we may not have 5 more days.
But right now, I'm leaning more towards "only 5 more days.." And then only 2 more weeks until the point Robbie came. We can make it. I hear my OB's words at my last appointment. "You're going to make it. You're going to make all the goals. It's going to happen." She didn't seem to be placating me, she seems to really believe it. Maybe she has some secret crystal ball I don't know about? I sure hope she's right.
For now, I'm just focusing on one day at a time. Today, I am pregnant and I love my baby. There are no promises of tomorrow for any of us, so I'm trying very hard to value each day as the gift it is. I know that your prayers are helping me fight off the Anxiety and letting me be open to the gifts. For that and so much more, I am truly thankful.