Dear Internal Organs,
Listen, I'm sorry. No, that's not sarcasm, I am. I know I'm hard on you. I'm fat and that's just a hard life anyway, and then these last few years I keep overwhelming you with hormones and drugs and surgeries and it's hard. And four pregnancies, that's rough, too. I know. I'm sorry. I am.
But here's the thing - this is it. I swear to you, after this we're done. David has already agreed to a vasectomy, so I'm not even going to ask you for another assault to end my (admittedly limited..) fertility. We just need one more baby and then you never, ever have to deal with this shit again. I promise.
I know that with a baby comes extra blood to filter and the baby keeps kicking at you and stuff. It's hard to be nice. But she's just a baby and doesn't know any better, it's not her fault. I'm just asking you to be patient and chill out for the next couple of months and then you can have the next few decades for peace.
I've been trying to make up for all the extra work you're doing by eating really healthy. You might notice the drastic reduction in sodium lately, the leaner diet in general. Notice that even though we're currently 6+ months pregnant, we're actually down a few pounds. See, I'm trying, right? I'm just asking you to do the same.
Kidneys, I know this has been exceptionally rough on you. Robbie almost took you guys out but you rallied and healed up nicely afterward. I appreciate that. And your improved performance this week has not gone unnoticed. Your levels improved from 384 to 304. I really appreciate that. I'd love to see you really go for the gusto next week and maybe drop back into the 200s. You and I both know that's still not great, but I'm willing to negotiate considering all you've been through.
Now Liver, you and I need to have a chat. There is no excuse for your pitiful performance this week. You were holding pretty steady last week and that was great, but up to 71 this week? No, no, no. What do you have to say for yourself? You need to take a deep breath and do better. The lab took more blood today. You BETTER show improvement tomorrow. I haven't been taking any Tylenol and we certainly haven't been drinking anything, so there's really no reason for you to be so crabby. Remember last year when that surgeon came digging around in you looking for Gallbladder? Yeah, that was done for your benefit, asshole, so show some appreciation.
Blood Pressure, well, I know you're not an organ, but as an important factor in everyone else's health, I want to thank you for your cooperation. Please keep up (err.. down..) the good work.