The A word

It's 6am and I haven't slept yet.
I had too much caffeine last night. As a chronic insomniac, I wish I could just give it up altogether. It's a vicious cycle. I don't sleep, so I need caffeine to keep me going. Then I'm too wired to sleep.

I guess since I wasn't going crazy enough, I thought I'd add fuel to the fire.

I have been sitting here doing some research on adoption.

Adoption is a scary word to me for a lot of reasons.

When we decided to have a baby, I wasn't just excited about the notion of being a mother. I mean, I most certainly was, but that wasn't the only thing. I loved the idea of being pregnant. I've always envied women and their pregnant bellies. The way they lay a protective hand on their bellies. The sound of a woman talking to her unborn baby has always moved me to tears- even long before my own was a reasonable desire.

And there is breastfeeding. I've always wanted to experience the joy of nourishing my baby that way. Even the actual delivery has always seemed romantic to me. When other people are making jokes about crossing their legs when someone mentions an episiotomy, I shrug and think "totally worth it." It never scared me. Not even a little.

I was lucky enough to be present for the birth of a friend's baby several years ago. It was gruesome, but amazing. Her doctor kept trying to gross me out with the gore. He seemed disappointed when I was less-than-horrified.

Lest you think I'm unaware of the downside, don't worry- I know. Nausea, pain, body changes that blow your mind, I'm aware.

I wanted it all - joy & misery.

And I still do. But now when I think of pregnancy, my mind doesn't go straight to the idea of a big belly & kicks to the ribs. I think about ultrasounds with no heartbeats. The idea of actually being pregnant makes my stomach tighten into knots with fear.

Pregnancy has truly lost its luster for me. Now, I absolutely would love to experience a successful one. But I'm far too aware of how often that just isn't what happens.

But as scary as the idea of losing another baby is, adoption still scares me more.

I have absolutely zero hesitation about raising a baby that isn't biologically mine and/or David's. If the doctors told me tomorrow that they could implant an embryo in me and it would 100% take, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Or hand me a baby and say it's mine? Totally for it.

It's the process that scares me. I'm a fairly confident person, but the notion of being rejected over and over again by a prospective parent terrifies me. So much that just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. I worry about everything. What if we're too old? What if we're too fat? What if we don't make enough money? What if no one likes us?

There are practical concerns about money as well. We are fortunate to have infertility coverage through our insurance, so it hasn't cost a lot so far. But adoption is extremely expensive. How in the world would we ever come up with the money? Mortgage the house? What if we do all of that and then no one picks us?

And then there are the home visits & interviews. It's all perfectly reasonable. Of course they need to make sure we're decent human beings before they let us have a baby. But I think about my crazy ass family. I can only imagine the things they'd say if they were interviewed.

What if they ask about my childhood? It was certainly less-than-ideal. It resembles more of a lifetime movie-of-the-week than a real story, but it's mine none-the-less. Will they think I'm doomed to parent the way that I was? I'm quite certain that I'm not (or we wouldn't be trying for a baby at all) but they don't know that.

Basically, if I have to write down our life on paper- would it measure up?

Yeah. It's pretty much my biggest fear. Ever.

So, being the OCD queen that I am, I thought I'd do some research. I really didn't find much that I didn't already know. But I did manage to stumble across a site with prospective parent's profiles.

Holy shit, that sucked. They all seemed great. Greater than me, for sure. Many, many tears later, I decided to shut it down. I wasn't making myself feel better at all.
Quite the opposite, actually.

So. Here I am at 6am with all this nonsense milling around in my head.

Maybe it's all moot. Perhaps I'm currently 10 days pregnant (How's that for positive thinking?!) with a baby that will stick. Being me, however, I can't help but think of the future if that's not the case.

Adoption is an option. Eventually. Maybe. For now, it's just this scary notion that I'm not sure we can handle. Of course, I didn't think we could handle infertility or miscarriage either, but here we are.

Anyway, I think the Clomid is working. I'm hot, tired & bloated. My right ovary was a little pissy for a while, but ol' lefty seems to be taking over as usual.

Follie scan on Monday. We'll see what they say.

Off to try for sleep.


--Trish