Saturday, November 10, 2007

The A word

It's 6am and I haven't slept yet.
I had too much caffeine last night. As a chronic insomniac, I wish I could just give it up altogether. It's a vicious cycle. I don't sleep, so I need caffeine to keep me going. Then I'm too wired to sleep.

I guess since I wasn't going crazy enough, I thought I'd add fuel to the fire.

I have been sitting here doing some research on adoption.

Adoption is a scary word to me for a lot of reasons.

When we decided to have a baby, I wasn't just excited about the notion of being a mother. I mean, I most certainly was, but that wasn't the only thing. I loved the idea of being pregnant. I've always envied women and their pregnant bellies. The way they lay a protective hand on their bellies. The sound of a woman talking to her unborn baby has always moved me to tears- even long before my own was a reasonable desire.

And there is breastfeeding. I've always wanted to experience the joy of nourishing my baby that way. Even the actual delivery has always seemed romantic to me. When other people are making jokes about crossing their legs when someone mentions an episiotomy, I shrug and think "totally worth it." It never scared me. Not even a little.

I was lucky enough to be present for the birth of a friend's baby several years ago. It was gruesome, but amazing. Her doctor kept trying to gross me out with the gore. He seemed disappointed when I was less-than-horrified.

Lest you think I'm unaware of the downside, don't worry- I know. Nausea, pain, body changes that blow your mind, I'm aware.

I wanted it all - joy & misery.

And I still do. But now when I think of pregnancy, my mind doesn't go straight to the idea of a big belly & kicks to the ribs. I think about ultrasounds with no heartbeats. The idea of actually being pregnant makes my stomach tighten into knots with fear.

Pregnancy has truly lost its luster for me. Now, I absolutely would love to experience a successful one. But I'm far too aware of how often that just isn't what happens.

But as scary as the idea of losing another baby is, adoption still scares me more.

I have absolutely zero hesitation about raising a baby that isn't biologically mine and/or David's. If the doctors told me tomorrow that they could implant an embryo in me and it would 100% take, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Or hand me a baby and say it's mine? Totally for it.

It's the process that scares me. I'm a fairly confident person, but the notion of being rejected over and over again by a prospective parent terrifies me. So much that just typing those words brought tears to my eyes. I worry about everything. What if we're too old? What if we're too fat? What if we don't make enough money? What if no one likes us?

There are practical concerns about money as well. We are fortunate to have infertility coverage through our insurance, so it hasn't cost a lot so far. But adoption is extremely expensive. How in the world would we ever come up with the money? Mortgage the house? What if we do all of that and then no one picks us?

And then there are the home visits & interviews. It's all perfectly reasonable. Of course they need to make sure we're decent human beings before they let us have a baby. But I think about my crazy ass family. I can only imagine the things they'd say if they were interviewed.

What if they ask about my childhood? It was certainly less-than-ideal. It resembles more of a lifetime movie-of-the-week than a real story, but it's mine none-the-less. Will they think I'm doomed to parent the way that I was? I'm quite certain that I'm not (or we wouldn't be trying for a baby at all) but they don't know that.

Basically, if I have to write down our life on paper- would it measure up?

Yeah. It's pretty much my biggest fear. Ever.

So, being the OCD queen that I am, I thought I'd do some research. I really didn't find much that I didn't already know. But I did manage to stumble across a site with prospective parent's profiles.

Holy shit, that sucked. They all seemed great. Greater than me, for sure. Many, many tears later, I decided to shut it down. I wasn't making myself feel better at all.
Quite the opposite, actually.

So. Here I am at 6am with all this nonsense milling around in my head.

Maybe it's all moot. Perhaps I'm currently 10 days pregnant (How's that for positive thinking?!) with a baby that will stick. Being me, however, I can't help but think of the future if that's not the case.

Adoption is an option. Eventually. Maybe. For now, it's just this scary notion that I'm not sure we can handle. Of course, I didn't think we could handle infertility or miscarriage either, but here we are.

Anyway, I think the Clomid is working. I'm hot, tired & bloated. My right ovary was a little pissy for a while, but ol' lefty seems to be taking over as usual.

Follie scan on Monday. We'll see what they say.

Off to try for sleep.



Fertilize Me said...

I hope you manage to get some sleep. THat is alot to think about at 6 am on no sleep. I hope hte follie scan goes well on monday

Angela said...

I too hope the follie scan goes well on Monday.

Anonymous said...

I hear what your saying about the adoption process.

I've had similar thoughts, but just want to add that the process would also infuriate me that we would be subjected to so much scrutiny, while drug addicts seem to procreate so freely (and successfully).

I'm not saying they shouldn't screen potential parents, its just so ironic, and I know the process would anger me.

I hope you get some sleep. Hugs.

Tracy said...

"Funny" I was on an adoption site before coming to visit your blog.
For many of the reasons you spoke of, I often consider international adoption or foster/adopt through the state. I can't imagine being on a list and having to compete for a birth mom's interest.
I hope you were able to get some rest. GL on your follie scan.

Yodasmistress said...

I am caffeine junkie too. I used to drink a pot a day. I recently switched to Yerba Mate in order to help the ph of my body a little. It is really just as good. I didn't think it would be, but it is. And I've been feeling a lot better since I've quit the coffee to get me going in the morning, wine to chill out in the evening cycle.

Adoption scares me too.

Milo said...

Wow, I've never thought of it that way. I mean, I've heard you talk about adoption before (the expenses, the birth mother, wanting to experience pregnancy for yourself) but I never thought about 'how would I measure up?'



I think you'd make wonderful parents, for the record.

Sheridan said...

The thing is, you're so good at writing about your life that if you did have to write it all down to be scrutinized, I think you could make it seem ideal. Of all the things to worry about, that is the least.

Other than that, things will seem better after a good night of sleep. It never seem like that could actually make all the difference, but then it does.

Plus, for what it's worth, I can tell how much you really, really want the whole experience.

KarenO said...

I don't think I'd ever be tough enough to go through the adoption process, not to mention having enough money for it. Will be thinking of you, a lot!

Marz said...

Yikes, no wonder you don't sleep.
That is a lot for one person to absorb.
See, when the idea of adoption came up for us, the biggest fear I had was that the mother would change her mind. I would have the baby for like a day or 2, fall in love with this tiny little being only to get a knock on the door saying they're taking him/her back as the mother now wants to raise him/her.

Well, I hope you are pregnant right now & these thoughts can get put on a back burner for now. Good luck tomorrow! Can't wait to hear what they say!

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

It is a scary word. And it can be just as heartbreaking and spirit-breaking a process as infertility. I wish there was some way to make this easier for all of us.

tryingin2007 said...

I feel your pain about the insomnia. I am currently experiencing it myself and it is HORRIBLE and cruel. who ever thought that sleep and being fertile are such luxuries?

Amy said...

Oh gosh, that is such tough stuff to be processing. Adoption really scares me, too, but we'll see ... I used to really WANT to adopt rather than having kids of my own. So much has changed. Still praying for you, that things will turn out for the best. ((((HUGS))))

LJ said...

I know how scary adoption seems - especially since we're working on that right now. But pregnancy just seems scarier to me, and who knows if I'd even be able to enjoy it at this's a struggle, no doubt.

I think it's about finding the right agency and just working your tail off. Who knows, I certainly don't have the answers...

Diana said...

Adoption is scary. I would highly recommend going to a couple of info seminars at agencies. The seminars were scary at first but they answered so many questions that I felt a little more comfortable about the idea. Had IVF not been a last minute option for us, we would be in the adoption process right now.

BTW, you can breastfeed an adopted child. It requires drugs and stimulation but it can be done.

Best of luck to you, I hope you are 10 days pregnant right now!

DreamCatcher said...

Hi Trish. Thank you so much for the comment on my blog today. It does really make a difference when you have a doctor that you can tell cares. I'm glad you have that doctor as well. I've been reading through your blog and Dr. Kelley does sound like that special doctor. She's a keeper. :)

I honestly can't relate to you when you speak of the miscarries but I can relate to the feelings you have at the beginning of this post. That feeling that you just want to "live" in the beauty of pregnancy. I've been blessed that I've been able to do it once but I was very young and it was a bad experience because of the stigma on top of it all, even if it was my choice. (It sucks having to "hide" something that you wanted and to be told that you are going to be a bad parent because you are only 17) I just wanted that pregnancy that I could enjoy from the beginning and I longed to have it again. I wanted to get that BFP for the first time (I never took a test the first time), to try out my new tricks for handling the three months of morning sickness, to see if I could meditate my blood pressure down, and to try a natural birth that hopefully didn't last 23 hours this time. I know that ache will have to remain with me but at the same time it makes me stronger.

In reading your blog, I see you are good people and I am certain that God will bless you with a "sticky bean". I wish there was more I could say so I leave you with: Don't ever lose faith.