Crappy day

Today was a shitty day.

There were lots of things going on, but I think my emotions were complicated by a) a lack of sleep b) a migraine from hell and c) artificial hormones.

When my period started last week & I sat everything up, I told David that my follie scan was on the 12th & we would likely IUI on Wednesday the 14th.

He nodded and seemed to be listening.

This morning I get a casual email from him (from work) saying "I did tell you that I'm going to be out of town the middle of next week, right?"

Well, of course, I freaked out. I've already started the Clomid, so if we can't IUI, I'm wasting a month of swollen ovaries, hot flashes & general discomfort. If he would have told me about the conference before I started the pills, we would have just taken the month off.

I was SO angry.

It turns out to be okay. The conference he is attending is about 2 hours away. He'll miss a few hours on Wednesday morning, but his boss is okay with it.

David just started this job in July and he's been off for a couple of pregnancy/miscarriage appointments, my D&C, my polyp surgery & now this. I feel like a huge pain in the ass.

I spent a good portion of the day feeling like a burden. I know in my head that he's not scheduling around "my" issues. He's scheduling around "our" issues. But because it comes down to my body, I feel guilty.

When he'd talked to his bosses and worked it out, he emailed me with the details. The last line read So let's just get pregnant this time and stay pregnant. Then everything is smooth sailing for nine months, right?

So filled with hope. I, of course, cried.

We talked early in the evening and I told him I felt like such a burden. He sighed and replied something like, "Well, we just have to what we have to do." That did not help. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but it did. It felt like he'd just said "yes, you are, but that's what are life is, so we deal with it." All I wanted to hear was "You are not a burden. We'll get through this together. I love you."

Funny how I didn't even know that guilt was lurking in there. POW! Infertility lands another punch. I feel guilty. I'm broken. He's broken, too, but we've figured out how to get pregnant. We can overcome his issues. But we work all this time to get pregnant and I can't seem to have a baby. Guilt.

Tonight we spoke again. He asked how I was doing and I told him my pity party was coming to an end. He seemed surprised, "Pity party? Why are you having a pity party?"

I explained that I just felt like a pain in the ass, like a burden, and really unappreciated. Again, he seemed surprised, "Well, I appreciate you!" I replied "Well, you don't seem to listen when I talk."

He finally apologized then. He told me he'd completely forgotten about the conference. The words made me feel better. Mostly because he actually sounded sorry.

When I came home, he met me at the door and we held each other a long time.

The night was good. But the day- it sucked.


Trish