Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Crappy day

Today was a shitty day.

There were lots of things going on, but I think my emotions were complicated by a) a lack of sleep b) a migraine from hell and c) artificial hormones.

When my period started last week & I sat everything up, I told David that my follie scan was on the 12th & we would likely IUI on Wednesday the 14th.

He nodded and seemed to be listening.

This morning I get a casual email from him (from work) saying "I did tell you that I'm going to be out of town the middle of next week, right?"

Well, of course, I freaked out. I've already started the Clomid, so if we can't IUI, I'm wasting a month of swollen ovaries, hot flashes & general discomfort. If he would have told me about the conference before I started the pills, we would have just taken the month off.

I was SO angry.

It turns out to be okay. The conference he is attending is about 2 hours away. He'll miss a few hours on Wednesday morning, but his boss is okay with it.

David just started this job in July and he's been off for a couple of pregnancy/miscarriage appointments, my D&C, my polyp surgery & now this. I feel like a huge pain in the ass.

I spent a good portion of the day feeling like a burden. I know in my head that he's not scheduling around "my" issues. He's scheduling around "our" issues. But because it comes down to my body, I feel guilty.

When he'd talked to his bosses and worked it out, he emailed me with the details. The last line read So let's just get pregnant this time and stay pregnant. Then everything is smooth sailing for nine months, right?

So filled with hope. I, of course, cried.

We talked early in the evening and I told him I felt like such a burden. He sighed and replied something like, "Well, we just have to what we have to do." That did not help. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but it did. It felt like he'd just said "yes, you are, but that's what are life is, so we deal with it." All I wanted to hear was "You are not a burden. We'll get through this together. I love you."

Funny how I didn't even know that guilt was lurking in there. POW! Infertility lands another punch. I feel guilty. I'm broken. He's broken, too, but we've figured out how to get pregnant. We can overcome his issues. But we work all this time to get pregnant and I can't seem to have a baby. Guilt.

Tonight we spoke again. He asked how I was doing and I told him my pity party was coming to an end. He seemed surprised, "Pity party? Why are you having a pity party?"

I explained that I just felt like a pain in the ass, like a burden, and really unappreciated. Again, he seemed surprised, "Well, I appreciate you!" I replied "Well, you don't seem to listen when I talk."

He finally apologized then. He told me he'd completely forgotten about the conference. The words made me feel better. Mostly because he actually sounded sorry.

When I came home, he met me at the door and we held each other a long time.

The night was good. But the day- it sucked.


Trish

14 comments:

Brooke said...

My DH seems to do this a lot too. GRRR!!! I could throttle him sometimes.

Yodasmistress said...

We talked early in the evening and I told him I felt like such a burden. He sighed and replied something like, "Well, we just have to what we have to do." That did not help. I know he wasn't trying to hurt me, but it did. It felt like he'd just said "yes, you are, but that's what are life is, so we deal with it." All I wanted to hear was "You are not a burden. We'll get through this together. I love you."

I could have written this.

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Don't you wish they could just read your minds? I am working on teaching DH it's better to just respond to me with "I love you."

Cindy Nguyen said...

I think your dh and mine must be long lost brothers. We have almost the exact same conversations.

Hugs to you.

Fertilize Me said...

DH and their good intentions and lowered verbal skills ... SO sorry that all the stress is still looming and looming

JJ said...

Im sorry for the burden feelings...its tough to deal with when you feel broken, AND helping your spouse not feel broken, TOO.
Glad your night was better--sorry the day was tough=( Hope today is better!

Will they have his eyes? said...

Just throwing this out there...would your RE freeze his swimmers a day or two before he has to go to his conference thing? My RE was going to do that for me one cycle if our timing didn't work out before DH went away for a week.

Carrie said...

Sometimes my husband seems a tad annoyed that our appointments etc inconvenience his work. It is hard not to be mad at him for thinking this way. I honestly think it is the male/female difference.
They think the situation is a pain, we hear you are a pain. I think its different.

Glad the night was better.

Diana said...

Hugs to you on this crappy day. Hoping tomorrow is much, much better!

Meghan said...

Sorry you had a crappy day. Sometimes our guys, as much as they want to help, just don't get how to or what to say.

Hope today goes better

Kristen said...

I'm sorry about the shitty day.

Men have selective hearing, I swear. I'm glad he apologized and realized the stress it put on you.

Here's to a better day tomorrow. (((HUGS)))

niobe said...

Guys just don't get it. I think it's their way of coping.

Amy said...

((((hugs))))
Sorry it was such an awful day.
Glad at least the night was good, but still ... hope today is much, much better!

KarenO said...

Oh Trish I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. Hope the folly scan tomorrow would be wonderful news and that Wednesday would be the start of a very, very special 9 months. Thinking of you!