Monday, November 26, 2007

Nothing to report

Let's have a Mind Fetus symptom check.

Okay. That was fun. Seriously, I can't remember a less symptomatic cycle in the last 2+ years. My boobs don't even hurt. That's unheard of even for a non-medicated cycle.

Perhaps it's my body's way of saying "You let us down with that 500,000 motile sperm. Why should we even bother?"

I plan to POAS in the morning. Not because I have the faintest inkling that it might be positive. I've just decided that I'm testing every 12dpo so that when I DO get pregnant again I can judge if I had a positive or negative at 12dpo and if my beta started out better than it did the 1st two times now that my giant septum is gone.

Not that it matters, it's just one of those curiosity things.

I haven't been in a good place emotionally. All of this is really weighing on me. It's also breeding resentment in my marriage.

I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of everything. It's not just fertility stuff, but that's the most important part.

His sperm count is so low it's ridiculous. There are very, very few things he can do to improve that, and even those, he seems unwilling to do. He SAYS he will, but he doesn't. He hasn't done anything to try to lose weight. Nothing.

I am the one who takes the pills & shots, makes the appointments, gets the dildo cam, has a catheter rammed up into my uterus one a month.

He's expected to lose some weight- at least not gain- and show up once a month & have an orgasm.

I realize jerking off into a cup in the midst of a noisy hospital setting isn't ideal. I can't imagine trying to have an orgasm in those surroundings. But in the grand scheme of things, well, call me a bitch, but give me a break.

I'm just really frustrated. I know losing weight isn't easy. I've been struggling for my whole life. But it almost seems like he's doing things just to spite me. It's a family tradition to get pizza from the best pizza place in the world before T-day & Christmas.

David and I had dinner before we drove to my family's place- a full dinner- a dinner in which he ate his entire meal & a good portion of mine. When we got to my family's place, he proceeded to eat no less than 5 pieces of pizza. After 3, I closed the box. My subtle way of saying "enough." He opened the box and took another. I closed the box again. He took yet another.

I don't want to be a nag. I don't. If someone commented on my portion control, I would probably come unglued. But his issues directly affect our outcomes. I don't know how he can look me in the eye knowing he's doing nothing to help us.

I'm doing what I can. Tonight I made a lighter dinner and purposely made leftovers. I packaged them individually so that he can heat them up easily. I haven't said anything to him since the IUI. The box-closing is the closest I've come. I don't want to make him defensive, but I honestly don't know what else to do.

Because of this, I've decided to go ahead and cycle in December. We had discussed not trying so that we could give him time to make some changes & hopefully see improvement. Since that clearly isn't going to happen, all I can do is cross my fingers that we get a good batch next month. And if we don't, we may just have to move on to IVF w/ICSI.

I don't want to. I really don't. But I don't know that we may have a choice. 500,000 motile sperm just isn't going to get us anywhere. Yes, I know there are people who have had miracles. My RE's nurse told me that her secretary conceived under such circumstances. But realistically, we all know it's seriously unlikely.

I'm just trying to embrace my path.



Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

I could have written this post. I know there isn't much DH could do about his pitiful sperm, but the losing weight would certainly help and I have been trying myself for the last few months despite the meds. And then I watch him just stuff himself and I want to slap his hand away from the food. How can I think about his sperm all of the time and he never even considers it?!!

Trish said...

Thanks girls. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear I'm not alone. Why are they so frustrating?

I try not to think it means he doesn't care, but it's REALLY difficult sometimes.

The Bugala's said...


Diana said...

hugs to you, this must be so frustrating. we try so hard to do all we can and it must be so hard to think DH isn't working as hard as you are and there isn't any thing you can do to control him. everything about IF sucks as is but this makes it even harder. I'm sorry.

Malloryn said...

I am going through the same thing, Trish. My husband also has issues with his sperm (in his case it's the two M's -- motility and morphology). Yet he seems reluctant to do much about it. Granted there is only so much that he could do, but diet is a big one and he's pushing back on that. It can be frustrating when this occupies all of my thoughts and often seems far away in his mind.

Amy said...

Have you phrased it to him the way you have to us--listing out what you do and what he needs to do? And that you going through all this is less likely to do good if he's not doing his part?
I don't know, you probably have, but if you phrase it that way I just don't see how he could get mad/defensive.