Merry Christmas

Shall we have a Mind Fetus symptom check?

Sore boobs.

That about sums it up for the month. We all know by now that sore boobs mean nothing, so there we go. Though I do find their soreness sort of comforting. I was a little disoriented last month when they didn't hurt.

My temp has been down around coverline the last 2 days so I'm pretty much at the point of just wishing AF would come on already.

I'll be testing Christmas night as that is 12dpo and on the off chance that I am pregnant, I want that as a reference. I've actually had the urge to pee on something for a couple of days now. The POAS addiction is a strong one, I suppose. I wish I had faith in the cheapies. The urge hasn't been strong enough to make me waste a 10 dollar stick.


Oh, speaking of my boobs- the plan for lumpy lefty is to have another exam after my next cycle. I have an appointment to be felt up by the gyny on the 9th. I'm guessing that if she can still feel it, they'll want to do a biopsy. It seems like it's getting softer to me. But that might be wishful thinking on my part. Who knows? I just dread the idea of having to punch a hole on my boob.

Honestly, I'm getting rather sick of being poked at, period. I'm way, way beyond the point of modesty. I'm just tired of being probed. I think that might explain part of my lack of sex drive as well. Keep that shit away from me. My poor husband.

Anyway, we're gearing up to visit my MIL tomorrow. I've gotten over most of my pouting. I am a little annoyed because David said he was going to smoke half a half & bake half a ham. That turned into smoking half a ham and buying a ham steak at the store. Hmmph. Not exactly the same as baking one up. Perhaps I should cover it in pineapple & brown sugar anyway. But you know, I'll live.

I'm not sure what the plan is for all the trimmings, but I've already made up my mind that if there is nothing for me to eat, I'm going to McDonald's. Not in an effort to be bitchy (that's just a perk) but I refuse to be starving on Christmas again. That seems fair enough, right? I'm pretty sure I could sneak off to do it so as not to insult my MIL. We'll see, though. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised at the food options.

I will be eating well for Christmas Eve dinner. They have a tradition of eating something non-traditional on Christmas Eve. I volunteered to cook. It makes me feel a little bit more useful since on a holiday, I tend to feel more in the way than anything. Tacos & burritos are the menu for the eve. It's one of my favorite meals, so I'm looking forward to that.

Oh, and tonight, I made a wonderful meal if I do say so myself. The recipe actually is from the friend who coined the "Mind Fetus" term. It's a stuffed tenderloin and man was it good. I was a little intimidated but it turned out great. Cooking gives me quite a sense of accomplishment. It's one of the few things these days that really does please me.

Overall, I think I've been feeling better. I feel a bit like some of the depression is lifting. I don't have confidence in it just yet, but it's been a better few days. I'm still sad & pissed at the turns my life has taken, but in a more reasonable way than it has been. I've even been able to ponder the fact that this is my another Christmas w/o a baby in my arms w/o welling up with tears. I hope it persists.

I don't dare mention doing better to my husband because any time I mention any improvement he says "That's good!" in such a way that I feel like he's saying "I'm glad you finally got around to that." It's annoying. Just because he doesn't have the good sense to be pissed off doesn't mean I shouldn't. Right. RIGHT?

With that, I'm going to bed. Insomnia is at its peak. It's after 5am. This is the third at least 5am morning in a row. I'm in big trouble at my MIL's where the day begins not much later than that. I better sleep fast.


Merry Christmas everyone.

--Trish