Sunday, December 30, 2007

unknown

After yesterday's normal beta, I was pretty much walking on air for the rest of the day.

What an odd sensation to have a good phone call about a pregnancy. There were no "buts" at all. She actually said "Congratulations!" at the end of the call. Surreal.

If I wasn't as graceful as a drunk rhino, I think I'd have been spinning in pirouettes yesterday. I was smiling- happy, even.

Today, the anxiety is creeping in. I keep playing possibilities in my head. I repeat the beta next Friday. What if it's bad? Then I correct myself - it will be good, damn it. But what if it's not? Can I handle this again?

Tonight, I had a bit of a break down.

David and I went to see Charlie Wilson's War (very good, btw) and on the way home, he was being sweet and cute and said "How's the embryo?" I snapped back out of nowhere, "I don't know, and I won't know for a long time. Can we just not talk about it?"

He was obviously stunned, "Why not?"

I told him that I'm trying not to think about it as much as possible. I don't have any answers, I'm not going to have any answers for a long time.

He was hurt and snapped back "So when I don't talk about it, I'm wrong, but when I do, I'm still wrong?"

I just started sobbing. I explained that him asking me how the baby was makes me feel like I should KNOW if the baby is okay. And I don't. I can't. No matter what I do, I can't. That what I really think is "Well, I'm not bleeding yet." and that's an ugly answer.

I told him I was sorry, but I am just scared to death.

He softened then, "I know." He said that all I had to say was that the numbers are good. I told him he already knew that and nothing had changed. If anything happens, I'll let him know. But that for now, I don't freaking know. I'm not in control, and I don't know anything. I started blabbering about how he gets to check in once a day, but I'm the one whose heart races every time I go to the bathroom because I'm so scared there is going to be blood.

He didn't talk for a long time. I was on a roll. I told him that I didn't know if my body was killing our baby as we speak.

By then, we were home and coming in the house. I went to the bedroom to change right away and he just followed me, sort of gaping. I'm not sure he was fully prepared for the depths of my emotions.

As I started talking about how I'm scared to let him down again, he looked shocked and said "I've never blamed you for the miscarriages." I just cried and said "I know. I've done plenty of that for both of us."

He gave me a lecture then about how I've done everything I could and it's not in our hands. That getting pregnant is a risk, no matter what. There's no way around it.

I finally stopped crying and apologized for snapping at him. He asked if I was okay. All I could say was "I guess." Talk to me in 36 weeks. I might be okay then.

--Trish

18 comments:

Colleen said...

hugs

Sunny said...

I can only imagine. I am glad you have your man there to listen. Maybe now he understands more.

HUGS!

wanttobeamom said...

My husband and I could have had this exact conversation (if I were pregnant atm...). Men and women really do have different experiences with infertility. I'm sorry you feel this way and can't just relax and enjoy this pg'y. I hope your next beta sky rockets!

Hugs

Fertilize Me said...

Hang in there - the unknown is ridiculously fearful. Sounds like your hubby is in this with you! Be gentle and kind with eachother

Carrie said...

I really understand this. Really. Last time I was pregnant I cried so hard because I knew the pain losing it would cause (if it happened). My husband was concerned but just could not understand how I could be so upset over something that had not happened. Once you know, you know.

I understand that there is little chance of you enjoying this pregnancy for quite a while yet. It is sad that you're not able too but it's just the way it is. Try to get through each little part, a day, another week etc.

Most importantly, there is every chance that this will be 'the one'. There is nothing to suggest otherwise. I know you hardly dare hope, it'll seem like pushing your luck, but it's true.

I hope you can find some peace whilst this little life thrives. I'm so sorry it is so scary.

Amy said...

((((HUGS)))
I can only imagine the emotional ups and downs you're going through ... praying for a fantastic beta on Friday, and some peace and comfort in the meantime. More ((((HUGS)))

Amy said...

((((HUGS)))
I can only imagine the emotional ups and downs you're going through ... praying for a fantastic beta on Friday, and some peace and comfort in the meantime. More ((((HUGS)))

Ariella said...

Men and women really do proccess things diffrently, don't they? Your in my thoughts.


(((((HUGS)))))))

Rebecca said...

(((HUGS))) I can only imagine what you're going through. I know how stressful a pregnancy can be when everything is 'normal' I can't imagine how you're feeling! We're praying for an amazing beta. Clare is still praying for a friend her age. :)

Yodasmistress said...

I have no wisdom and no advice. I've never miscarried. I can't begin to fathom the pain and fear you are experiencing. I'm sorry you can't unabashedly enjoy this. I can only hope that I have to wait 36 weeks for a firm answer. Good luck darlin!

Anonymous said...

aw, you sound like you have a WONDERFUL husband, and i am really pulling for you guys.

i have been following your story after seeing it linked from somoene else's blog, and you're story is amazing.

have a safe and wonderful new year, and i hope you are able to relax and enjoy your time with your husband during this time that you'll need each otherthe most!

Malloryn said...

Infertility is such a strain on a relationship. Hang in there, and know that a lot of people are thinking about you. ::hugs::

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

I wish there was a magic wand to wave to make the fear go away. I hope you have a great second beta and can begin to relax a little.

Cindy Nguyen said...

I hope your next beta sky rockets.

Diana said...

hugs to you. the beginning of the pregnancy was hard enough for me after IF but it must be even harder after all you have been through. hang in there, I am glad you both talked it out even if it was a bit messy.

Wifezzilla said...

I wish you all the best, have a sfae and blessed new year!

Milo said...

I hope Friday comes soon and shows good numbers for you Trish!!

I want so bad for you to be able to enjoy this pregnancy and have a cute little baby in 36 more weeks.

(((hugs)))

J.E. said...

Trish,
I was so happy when I heard you were pregnant again. I hope Friday's numbers are off the charts good. I'll be waiting to hear from you.

Lots of Hugs!