I'm feeling angry. Which is odd cause I've been not-quite-as-angry lately, but it's back tonight.
How dare I have to have infertility AND miscarriage? It's not right. I struggle, struggle, struggle to get pregnant and then my baby dies? WTF is that about? How awful of a person was I in a past life that I got saddled with this one this time?
I've mentioned my crappy upbringing. So I get a shitty childhood. And a naturally slow metabolism and a penchant for laziness so I'm a big fat fatty. I'm clumsy and unlucky. Okay. I can handle all of that. Infertility? Wow. That sucks. Oh... and my husband's swimmers suck, too. Wow. That's really shitty. And then.. AND THEN.. I lose my baby, too. This fucking sucks. And of course, now I can't seem to get pregnant again. Yay me.
Now, what would help my bitterness would be some chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. That's my favorite, BTW.
Because of that and because of the Great Cake Day I decided I would make one tonight.
And my life being what it is lately, it didn't work out.
See, my husband's cholesterol is something like 10 thousand. Okay, it was actually 280. But his triglycerides were so high that the nurse called to give us the results and sounded like she expected him to drop dead of a heart attack at any moment. Like maybe I should wake him up to make sure he still had a pulse. So he's on this low cholesterol thing. Which is hard for him. He's a southern boy with the worst sweet tooth I've ever seen. So, because I'm a wonderful, loving, supportive wife, so I have been dieting, too. Sort of.
I haven't been as strict. I require more than Cheerios for 2 meals a day. I like to throw some vegetables in there occasionally. But damn it. I wanted a cake. And it's infertility cake day. So, being the wonderful, loving, supportive wife that I am, I bought a chocolate cake mix and the makings for cream cheese icing. The way I eased my guilt about making something decadent was by buying fat free cream cheese. I use the term "cream cheese" loosely.
When I opened the cream cheese, the first thing I noticed was that it was blue. Wait... BLUE? Oh. It's a piece of blue plastic. Why is there blue plastic? I'll soon discover. The 2nd thing is that it's not really creamy. It looks like an odd mix of bacon grease and clear gelatin. The blue plastic appears to be in place to keep the not-quite-firm mixture from oozing out of the package. Hmm. I'm skeptical, but I'll give it a shot.
I dumped it into my mix with some butter, and started adding powdered sugar. What must've been 4 cups of powdered sugar later, it was liquid. LIQUID. How the hell does cream cheese & butter & sugar become liquid? I'm convinced the gelatin released and the bacon grease melted. Cause there was nothing creamy or cheesy about it.
I gave up and dumped it all down the drain. So I now have chocolate cakes with no icing. David says he'll get me some packs of fat-laden cream cheese tomorrow. Thank God I have a great husband. The one area I didn't get the shaft, eh?
Anyway, my entry into the Great Cake Day will be late. Lord knows I don't do anything on schedule. But since I'm never getting out of the infertility cycle, I've got plenty of time to eat infertility cake, right?
Oh. And P.S. SCORE!!
Mingle2 - Online Dating
8 comments:
If I knew of someone who delivered CAKES...I would so have a chocolate one delivered to you with cream cheese icing!
Oh sweetie! I had a cake day like that a few weeks ago where the whole thing went in the trash. And then I was pissed because I still had to clean up the bowls and such but I had no cake to eat. Which is sort of like IF and pg loss together. You still have to clean up the mess while your heart hurts terribly. And there's no sweetness at all.
I'm so sorry, Trish.
oh my DEAR poor girl - One of THOSE days/week/months/years ...Boy can i relate. Im so glad i found your blog
Ewww...that cream cheese sounds, uh, nasty. Looking forward to seeing your chocolate cake with lots of tasty frosting.
argh. sorry about the "cream cheese" and even sorrier to hear about your recent loss. i can really identify with struggling to deal with the loss that is IF and additional losses on top of it.... glad i found your blog.
Awww... you poor thing.
I'm sending you a big virtual hug.
And ewww on the cream cheese front. What the heck was it?
I find that fat free products are completely worthless. Low fat or reduced fat are sometimes okay, but I avoid fat free like the plague.
Sorry you had such a frustrating cake experience. I know how annoying it is when baking plans don't work out.
((hugs))
aww, pumpkin, i love you so much!
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