Next cycle

So, we're moving on to yet another cycle. I'm not even sure what cycle it is. My ovusoft says 12, but there were a few cycles before I started actively keeping track of my cycles and such. Plus the months of just not preventing before that. Plus ovusoft views my 9w pregnancy as 1 long cycle.

Anyway, AF arrived early yesterday. I'm convinced I tricked her into coming early by taking a pregnancy test in the morning. It was, of course, negative. Less than 3 hours later I had cramps. I couldn't decide at first if they were period cramps or metformin cramps but when I checked.. sure enough... AF.

So, I called the RE's office and set up my follicle scan. The plan was for CD12, but that falls on a Sunday, so it'll be Monday CD13 for the scan. I will be using OPKs, but if I don't have a surge by then (or, more accurately, if I haven't detected a surge by then) I'll do a trigger shot as well. I usually O on CD14 on Clomid. We'll see.

I've had a couple of low days, mood wise. Maybe PMS, maybe just exhaustion, maybe a combo, who knows? It's not the low of months past, but I do feel sad. I look at what my life has become and can't help but feel a little cheated. It took so long to get pregnant to start with. And I should be 30w pregnant this week. People around me decide to have a baby and a month or two later, they're pregnant. Nine months after that, they have a baby.

And then there is me.

I look at some friends who started trying to conceive after we did and I smile through tears at their babies. Yet, here I am. More fertility drugs, more stick peeing. I wake up at 7 and have to pee but can't get up and go because I need to take my temperature at 8 and I don't want to screw it up. I just roll over on my side convinced that if I can take some of the pressure of my gut off my bladder I can make it another hour.

Sometimes I feel angry. It's not fair. But neither is life. I know that. I don't deserve infertility, but then, who does? Maybe that mother who recently hanged her children and then herself. But then, who am I to decide that?

Mostly I just feel tired. Tired of being sad, tired of being left behind, tired of thinking about everything all the time.

When I started my period yesterday about mid-morning I sat trying to decide if that was truly CD1 or not. And how maybe it was late enough in the day that I wouldn't ovulate until CD15, depending how you count. And then I thought about how most women get a period, stick a tampon in and go on about their business. They don't have to decide if this is really a period day or not. They don't instantly start doing math in their head (and on their fingers) trying to decide what the means for scheduling the next 4 weeks. I sort of chuckled to myself because I realize how odd my life is.

I can't help but wonder what life will be like once we manage to have a baby. (Notice I assumed we will.. I'm faking it. Go with it.) Will I feel lost not temping and stick peeing? Will I randomly check my cervical mucous and feel a rush of excitment if it stretches?

Even when I was briefly pregnant, I still temped occasionally (the high number reassured me) and even once or twice peed on a cheapie OPK just to admire the gorgeous, dark 2nd line. I would assume I'll be so busy caring for an infant that maybe I won't think about it. But for now, it seems like some sort of unattainable fantasy.

I feel like I'm not really goal oriented. I'm going through all these tests and procedures, but the idea that we might actually be parents, might actually hold a baby in our arms one day is sort of fuzzy in my head. The two things seem so disconnected - all these tests and a real, live baby. The tests are just part of my life now. Just part of my routine. The way most people think of making coffee and taking a shower in the morning, I take my temperature and pee in a cup.

I don't know. Again, maybe I'm just tired. I'm working days this week which isn't normal for me. I'm getting even less sleep than normal and no real end in sight. We're traveling this weekend and expecting company the weekend after. More reminders that life keeps going I suppose.


--Trish