Saturday, June 23, 2007

Left behind

I won't lie. It's been a couple of rough days for me. I felt so good on Wednesday after the IUI. Thursday, Friday & today, I don't even want to hear the word pregnant. Or baby for that matter.

David asked me on Thursday "So, are you pregnant yet?" and it was all I had not to completely lose my temper. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.

I have no symptoms. Clearly, it's only 3dpo. But I couldn't possibly feel more not-pregnant. I've had a few twinges from my ovaries. Probably corpus luteums pumping out progesterone. But that's it.

Now, I felt completely unpregnant the last time I was pregnant. I did notice some very mild breast tenderness & some increased CM before my last postive test. And it's too early for those. So then I get a very small twinge of hope and then feel completely stupid. Why even think positive. It never is.

I have been trying to stay busy. Redecorated my bedroom this week. Shopped most of the week for comforters & curtains etc. Actually put it together today. Saw a Chippendale's show with some girlfriends tonight. Having a Father's Day do-over with my dad tomorrow. Trying not to think about it. Trying to distract myself. Life goes on.

But of course, there are babies and pregnant women and moms everywhere. And all I can feel is that I'll never be one. Tonight on the shuttle back to the car (show was at a Casino) I heard someone say to their friend "Weren't you pregnant then?" and it went through me like a knife. I just kept going as though I didn't hear it. As I said. Life goes on.

It truly feels unending. That's all I can say. Last night I lay in bed and thought about how we might never be parents. Maybe we should just give this up. Would being without children be the worst thing in the world? And for once, it seemed a reality. Like we might actually have to face it. Never having children. Never being parents. Never telling a story that starts "right before I had our son/daughter..." The battle to achieve it seems inachievable.

I know we've only been at this a year and a half or so. And so many others have gone on longer. But it just seems interminable. I have so many friends who started trying for babies after we did. Who got pregnant after we did. Some are watching their babies learn to walk now. And here I am.

Left behind.

9 comments:

M said...

Oh gosh, my dear. I can completely relate to feeling left behind. :( I'm sorry.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I posted pictures of the scrapbook stuff!

niobe said...

Sadly, I know exactly what you mean.

But it's at least a little encouraging to hear you say that you felt completely unpregnant the last time you were pregnant.

KarenO said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. No words of encouragement can make you feel better when the whole world seems so terribly unfair and you watch it turning round and round, leaving you behind. Hang in there, keep your dreams alive, don't give up hope!

ultimatejourney said...

I know where you're coming from. The hardest thing about IF is not knowing when or how it's going to end. I'm sorry you're struggling. You never know, though, the light at the end of the tunnel could be just around the corner.

Aunt Sassy said...

I'm sorry. Watching people pass us up over and over just adds to the heartache of infertility. I'm hoping you have good news coming.

Inconceivable said...

AH left behind .. you are NOT alone in this very lonely place.

Marz said...

Awww...
it will happen for you, I can just feel it
Just to let you know I had no symptoms this last pg either. Only difference overall was my cm went really pasty, sticky. No sore bbs till 8w. No tiredness, no anything else.
I am keeping an eye on you & your bfp to come!

Amy said...

(((HUGS)))
Though I haven't dealt with IF yet, I can relate to the feeling that hope hurts too much. I'm so sorry, doll, and you know I'm praying for you, that things will turn out better than you ever imagined. I know there are no promises, no guarantees, and I don't want to hold out false hope, but I do so hope--and still believe, deep down--that it will happen for you and David.
I love you!

Anonymous said...

did you ever think of adoption? I was and my mom and dad are the best in the whole wide world. all those movie and tv freak outs when someone finds out their adopted I find incredibly stupid. I have only one set of parents, the ones who raised, loved, disciplined and educated me, the ones who made me everything I am. and they are more than enough. you'd be surprised what love can do!