Friday, June 29, 2007

How are you?

This is a question asked all the time. Most people don't mean it. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who truly want to know.

Lately, I don't even want to answer it. Not because I don't appreciate the concern, but the simple truth is that I don't know.

One moment I'm fine. Not "Fine and you?" but actually fine. Now, of course, fine is relative. I'm fine. I can think of never having a baby and not crumple into a pile on the floor. I can think about sleeping in and eating out and vacations in Europe instead of Disney World. Coping. Other times it's all I can do to form words. And the time between those two extremes isn't days or even minutes. Sometimes it's seconds.

Only a few minutes ago I was surfing the web, looking at pictures of pregnant women, smiling at their cute bellies. Then all of a sudden I was overwhelmed. I saw someone who is 33 weeks pregnant - what I should be right now if our baby had lived. Suddenly the tears poured out. I shut the browser immediately. Then I ate infertility cake. Now I'm back to not-quite-fine again.

I'm at 8dpo. For shits and grins, I peed on a stick tonight. Not to see if I'm pregnant, we all know it's too soon for that. I just wanted to see what stage I was at processing the ovidrel trigger I got. And you know, I haven't peed on anything in a week, I was starting to get the shakes. Completely negative. It's been 10 days since the shot, so that's reasonable. Chalk up another negative pregnancy test. I'm glad it was. Had their been a very faint line, I'd have wondered if it was leftover trigger shot or the start of something new.

Yes, in spite of my completely negative attitude & piss-poor mood this last week, hope still lingers. I guess I'm a die-hard.

I'm starting to think that us getting pregnant on our first IUI was just a fluke. I want to go back and tell all the people who, after the miscarriage, "consoled" me with "At least you know you can GET pregnant..." and punch them in the throat. Well, apparently I can't.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm already looking towards next cycle and I just don't know what to do. The original plan was 2 more rounds of Clomid (one being the one I'm still in) and then move on to injectibles. This is my 3rd (likely) unsuccessful round of Clomid/IUI since the we resumed officially TTC after the miscarriage. I know conventional wisdom is to try something for 3 months, then try something else. The first we only had 4 million sperm, so it almost doesn't count. So, not sure what to think. I'm sure my R.E. would encourage another round of Clomid. I respond well.

It's not that I think she's wrong or not aggressive enough. It's more of an emotional feeling than anything. I feel like we're at a stand still. And if I'm not moving forward, I feel like I'm falling down. I'm more than just a type A personality. I'm like a type AAA personality. I don't do a holding pattern well.

I don't know. I'm just feeling lost. I just want to have a fucking baby. Is that so much to ask?


Sunny said...

You hit the nail on the head. WOW you can at least get pregnant, NOPE! I tried 3 1/2 years before getting pregnant and then m/cing. Now a year later I am still in the same place.

This post really touched me. I could have written it myself. HUGS!

Kierstin said...

hugs to you! being in the holding pattern really does suck! you just feel stuck.

Inconceivable said...

Oh Hun..Holding patterns with an type of personality just plain ol SUCK!! I am sorry you are in a funk. It seems to be going around lately. I'm here (in blogland) for ya.

Diana said...

nope, not too much at all!

ultimatejourney said...

I don't do holding patterns well either. I'm like 7dpo myself, and I'm so frustrated and annoyed with all the waiting.

I apologize in advance if you're not looking for a cheerleader, but I just have to point out that it's much too early to give up on this cycle at 8dpo.


The Bugala's said...

There is nothing I can say, except it does SUCK! HUGS

Trish said...

I love you guys. I really do. You all have no idea how good it makes me feel to have your support. All of you.. those I've met IRL and those I haven't.
And to know that I'm NOT insane.. it's nice. *feeling a little weepy*
ultimatejourney.. you can cheerlead. Cheerleading is fine, so long as you're not telling me perk up. It's the IF deal. I can have hope for all of you, but none allowed for myself. And you can hope for me, but protect yourself. Deal?

Marz said...

Please, please don't give up hope. Although I remember those days all too well where you try to talk yourself into believing that this cycle is a bust just so you wouldn't be dissapointed when it is but I know there is always a glimmer of hope, a "what if" there.
i really do have a good feeling about you, I know you will be able to get & stay pregnant very soon. I just feel it.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry, Trish. I'm glad you do still have a glimmer of hope; it's so hard to hold onto that when it's been dashed enough times.

And I have to say, I REALLY relate to you on how hard it is to answer "How are you?" I was telling something almost the exact same thing just yesterday, though in my case it's with the MS diagnosis rather than IF. Frustrating, isn't it?

niobe said...

The ups and downs you describe are so painfully familiar.

And hope for everyone except myself? That's it exactly. Which means that I'm very hopeful for you.

Changing Expectations said...

The waiting game is so tough. Hang in there.