Friday, March 7, 2008


It's been an eventful week.

Tuesday night I had a horrible dream that the lab called with my NT results and wouldn't give them to me because they were too bad to give over the phone. I screamed & cried & cussed. I woke up and was surprisingly undisturbed by it. I mean, I thought "well, that sucked." but fairly easily dismissed it as my brain playing games with me.

As I laid there not being paranoid, I focused on how crappy I felt- stretchy, achy & uncomfortable. I decided if the baby was growing so much as to make me feel that way, maybe I'd give the Doppler another try. I lubed myself up and gave it a shot. It took maybe 5 minutes but I found it. The grin that spread over my face would have put the Cheshire Cat to shame. Chalk one up for the fat girl. Success at 13w6d.

I began my day with a spring in my step.

That afternoon my desk phone rang and it was the hospital calling with my NT scan workup. I actually wasn't expecting the call until at least Thursday, possibly Friday, so I was surprised. Of course, my mind quickly reverted back to the dream I'd had the night before and I did have a brief flash of "oh shit." But the woman on the phone seemed awfully cheerful, so it was only a flash.

The numbers:

Risk of downs based on my age: 1:538
Risk of downs based on NT work up: 1: 9,274

Risk of Trisomy 13/18 based on my age: 1:987
Risk of Trisomy 13/18 based on NT work up: 1: 19,721

That sound? My heart beating again. Phew! It was a good day to be sure.

This morning (Thursday) was my next doctor appointment. More correctly, an appointment with the nurse practitioner. It was mostly intended to be a paperwork appointment. I had to bring in some information from my insurance, get some test results, go over some options etc. That was all fine. My husband was relieved to know I don't have HIV, gonorrhea or syphilis.

After the business was done, the NP broke out the Doppler and started looking. Almost immediately, we heard the beautiful swoosh-swoosh-swoosh, and then just as almost immediately, it was gone again. She looked again and managed to catch the sound of a kick, but still no heartbeat. After a few minutes, she got a very brief glimpse again. Honestly, it was enough to please me. Clearly the baby was still alive.

I, of course, told her about the continued spotting. She wanted to talk to the doctor. She came back and told me that the doctor wanted another ultrasound. Who am I to deny their desire? She checked with the u/s tech to see if she could fit me in and after a 5 minute wait, I was on a table & ready to go, awaiting my sixth u/s of this pregnancy.

So we got another look at the wee one. Everything looked good. She took some measurements and said they looked good. She told me the heartbeat was in the 130s even though the NP had said both brief glimpses of the heart she got with the Doppler were in the 160's. The u/s tech was moving pretty quickly, so I wonder if she maybe didn't click the right spot to count the measurements. (It's a testament to how many of these I've had that I know how it's measured on the machine.) I admit that I wish I had questioned it and had her double check, but I was so enamored of my little one on the screen that I forgot to be paranoid for a minute.

She checked for any source of blood- nada. I wasn't surprised. I asked the sonographer who did my NT scan last week if she could see anything and she couldn't either. Since she was looking for a long time, I figured if it was going to show, it would have been then.

Anyway, she printed a few pictures for me. (They're really quite fuzzy so I'm not sure I'll bother posting them. The most amazing part to me about them is how clear & large the placenta now is.)

I met again briefly with the NP. General rest & continued pelvic rest - story of my life. I made my next OB appointment (2 weeks- this time with the actual OB) and was on my way.

I was glad to have seen her today. I spent most of the morning feeling extremely crampy. If I hadn't gotten a good listen & look, I would have been pretty stressed out. Even tonight I've got that odd period-about-to-start feeling. Not crampy, just odd. I understand that it's normal, so I talk myself out of the paranoia but it still lingers.

Speaking of paranoia, my MIL called tonight. She was going on and on about the baby and being excited and such and I could actually feel my anxiety level rising. I wish it wasn't that way. I feel like I have to constantly calm people down. I stop short of actually saying "Don't be excited. Bad things could still happen." but I really do think it. I mostly find myself saying "well, I'm still pretty paranoid.." but usually I just get rewarded with comments like "Oh, you're going to be fine! You're going to have a baby!" and other comments that mostly make me feel like my feelings are invalid & dismissed.

I told another friend tonight. She's nowhere near the point in life where she's thinking about kids, but it was funny that she totally had the right response. The usual "congrats." "I'm excited." and when I said "Yeah, we are too. I'm still pretty much scared shitless, but we're hopeful." instead of brushing off my concerns, she said "Well, of course, you're going to be scared. You'll be scared until the baby gets here, I'm sure." I almost started crying. I thanked her for having such a great response and not telling me I was stupid for being worried. It always amazes me when ANYONE gets it- and particularly from a (presumable) fertile.

So, life continues. 14 weeks down. 8,368 to go. Or something like that.



Carrie said...

I'm glad things are all going well. Your friend is right, of course, you won't relax until the baby is in your arms. I do think you should also remind yourself that you're more anxious than is now necessary.
By that I don't mean that you haven't reason to feel this way, I just mean that remember that this pregnancy is different to the others, this one is looking good and there is absolutely no reason to believe this one won't end in a happy way.
I hope you can find some peace. It must be terribly tiring to have this black cloud following you still.

Fertilized said...

very good news!

Meghan said...

All great news! And how nice that they gave you another ultrasound. I love when medical professionals take our concerns seriously, I feel like so often we're dismissed as those crazy, over-informed infertile women.

I'm afraid the scared shitless feeling doesn't ever go away...until they're 30 or something ;)

tryingin2007 said...

wow! what a great friend! I am SOOOO tired of all the "everything is going to be fine" "stop worrying" comments. they are indeed hurtful (although they're said out of kindness.)

I have been holding back on writing an entire post on just this subject. I know my sisters (fertiles) would be livid. they think "be positive" is supportive.


wanttobeamom said...

Gotta love those extra u/s sessions! =) I'm glad your little one is still doing well. I have had some spotting too, and people keep telling me it's normal too... It's still scary though. Congrats for being able to talk yourself down from some of your panic sessions! Hopefully it will help your overall stress level. =)

Amy said...

Aww I'm glad your friend was sensitive and had a good response. :) Rejoicing in your good news! And LOLing at your last paragraph. ;)
Love you!

Freyja said...

First you have to deal with loosing multiple babies and now that you're cautious from it, everyone acts like you're being silly for beign worried. That must be very frustrating. I think many people are not very generous with empathy. A$$holes that they are.

Jennifer said...

I would say that forgetting to be paranoid is a step in the right direction and a victory for Trish! Yay! Good for you and good for your friend for having just the right words to say.

Tracey said...

Stumbled on your blog while looking for other fertility-challenged gals.

Congrats on your pregnancy!


Tina623 said...

I'm glad everything is going well. It is great to get that extra u/s. Congrats!