Why can't I just relax? Maybe it's years of fighting the words "just relax." I don't know. But I still can't chill out. I'm 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. Second trimester. Uncharted waters. The baby looked wonderful and healthy & fabulous just a mere 4 days ago. Yet I'm still paranoid about every cramp & twinge. I'm still anxiously checking my underwear for signs of pink (none in 2 days.) I'm still sort of mentally preparing myself for bad news at my next appointment or when they call with the results from the NT scan & workup.
I'm irritated with myself. I want to just be joyous & glowing & excited.
I don't want to sweat profusely when I tell people I'm pregnant. That's exactly what happened when I came out at work. I started small - few closer friends. Then I bit the bullet and went to tell the older women who were all at lunch at the same time. There was screaming. There was hugging. There was crying. There was......... belly rubbing. I wasn't quite prepared for the belly rubbing. They snuck it in while hugging. I had no chance to dodge.
A woman in my office who beat infertility & miscarriage (one shortly after her husband was rendered paralyzed from the chest down after a car accident) came to find me when she heard. I very nearly collapsed into sobs when I saw the look on her face. She's not even someone I'm close to at all. Really, we've had words a time or two. But a mutual friend happened to ask me about babies one day in front of her and I gave her the whole story. That's when she shared hers. What a look of understanding when we saw each other on Friday. I'm choked up just thinking about it.
I got back to my desk and realized I was drenched in sweat. I mean total deodorant failure. Shit! Panic. Dozens of people know. People starting IMing me from within the office. The news was travelling fast. It's official, if this all goes to hell, there are now 60 people in my office who will need to be untold. Holy. Shit.
There were questions, of course. Everyone wanting to know how I feel, if I've been sick, when I'm due, will I find out the sex? I kept trying to figure out how to give the least amount of info as possible. I'm not sure why, exactly. But all the talking about it just lead to more sweating.
Yesterday we had plans with friends. They were in from out of town. We had a nice dinner then saw a hockey game. Distracting. But also involved a lot of running around (sometimes literally because we were late) and I kept thinking "but I've been spotting. I'm supposed to take it easy." Still.. it's all about paranoia.
I'm sick of it, but I can't stop. If I have a moment where I feel okay, feel confident, feel happy, I start worrying that it'll all be yanked away at any moment. I just can't shake the forboding feeling.
I used to have this love affair with the notion of pregnancy. The idea that sperm and an egg come together and grow into another human being. Watching a woman's belly grow, watching her breasts nourish a baby. The baby becoming this little personality. A woman is a mom. It all seemed so wonderful, so miraculous. I couldn't wait to do it. No tale of morning sickness, 36 hour labor, tearing into one hole, bleeding for weeks, or sleepness nights ever put me off in the least.
And here I am. Scared to death. When will it stop? Passing my previous times of loss didn't help. Twelve weeks didn't help. Thirteen weeks didn't help. The dawn of the 2nd trimester hasn't helped. Somehow I don't believe that 14 weeks or good NT scan results or dopplers working or big ultrasounds are going to help either. And I'm sad. I'm sad that infertility and miscarriage has ruined it for me. And pissed that I've let it.