Monday, March 3, 2008

My first 2nd trimester

Why can't I just relax? Maybe it's years of fighting the words "just relax." I don't know. But I still can't chill out. I'm 13 1/2 weeks pregnant. Second trimester. Uncharted waters. The baby looked wonderful and healthy & fabulous just a mere 4 days ago. Yet I'm still paranoid about every cramp & twinge. I'm still anxiously checking my underwear for signs of pink (none in 2 days.) I'm still sort of mentally preparing myself for bad news at my next appointment or when they call with the results from the NT scan & workup.

I'm irritated with myself. I want to just be joyous & glowing & excited.

I don't want to sweat profusely when I tell people I'm pregnant. That's exactly what happened when I came out at work. I started small - few closer friends. Then I bit the bullet and went to tell the older women who were all at lunch at the same time. There was screaming. There was hugging. There was crying. There was......... belly rubbing. I wasn't quite prepared for the belly rubbing. They snuck it in while hugging. I had no chance to dodge.

A woman in my office who beat infertility & miscarriage (one shortly after her husband was rendered paralyzed from the chest down after a car accident) came to find me when she heard. I very nearly collapsed into sobs when I saw the look on her face. She's not even someone I'm close to at all. Really, we've had words a time or two. But a mutual friend happened to ask me about babies one day in front of her and I gave her the whole story. That's when she shared hers. What a look of understanding when we saw each other on Friday. I'm choked up just thinking about it.

I got back to my desk and realized I was drenched in sweat. I mean total deodorant failure. Shit! Panic. Dozens of people know. People starting IMing me from within the office. The news was travelling fast. It's official, if this all goes to hell, there are now 60 people in my office who will need to be untold. Holy. Shit.

There were questions, of course. Everyone wanting to know how I feel, if I've been sick, when I'm due, will I find out the sex? I kept trying to figure out how to give the least amount of info as possible. I'm not sure why, exactly. But all the talking about it just lead to more sweating.

Yesterday we had plans with friends. They were in from out of town. We had a nice dinner then saw a hockey game. Distracting. But also involved a lot of running around (sometimes literally because we were late) and I kept thinking "but I've been spotting. I'm supposed to take it easy." Still.. it's all about paranoia.

I'm sick of it, but I can't stop. If I have a moment where I feel okay, feel confident, feel happy, I start worrying that it'll all be yanked away at any moment. I just can't shake the forboding feeling.

I used to have this love affair with the notion of pregnancy. The idea that sperm and an egg come together and grow into another human being. Watching a woman's belly grow, watching her breasts nourish a baby. The baby becoming this little personality. A woman is a mom. It all seemed so wonderful, so miraculous. I couldn't wait to do it. No tale of morning sickness, 36 hour labor, tearing into one hole, bleeding for weeks, or sleepness nights ever put me off in the least.

And here I am. Scared to death. When will it stop? Passing my previous times of loss didn't help. Twelve weeks didn't help. Thirteen weeks didn't help. The dawn of the 2nd trimester hasn't helped. Somehow I don't believe that 14 weeks or good NT scan results or dopplers working or big ultrasounds are going to help either. And I'm sad. I'm sad that infertility and miscarriage has ruined it for me. And pissed that I've let it.



Carrie said...

I totally understand the attention following your announcement being overwhelming. Its a very strange place to be and most people, especially if they have a clue about your journey, will just not understand your reluctance to shout from the roof tops. But I do.
Also, while it is sad that miscarriage has robbed you of a carefree happy pregnancy, it is not your fault. You shouldn't beat yourself up about 'allowing' it to ruin it. It is what it is and while I wish it wasnt like this, its not your fault.
I hope, maybe once you feel the baby, you can start to enjoy this.

Amy said...

I can understand that would be frustrating to feel like you can't relax and enjoy it. At the same time, your reaction to two miscarriages is so understandable, even to someone who hasn't personally experienced it! I think that, while no one thing or milestone will totally help, you will gradually be able to start enjoy it, a little at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself; you have been through so much to get to this point, and letting yourself relax and hope and rejoice is scary and will take some getting used to! (((HUGS)))

casicola said...

i totally agree with the carrie and amy. It is so true that you cant help but feel this way. It will pass. I know it seems like its forever you feel this way, but once you get to the babies sex, and he or she is moving all around in will be easier. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Dont be so hard on yourself. You have been through a very hard journey and its only normal to feel this way.

Ariella said...

It must be so strange to feel this anxous over something that so many take forgranted. I hope you soon become comfterble with your new pg and are able to relax about it more. Remember that happyness isn't a reason for the world toshit on you. And while sometimes it seems like that is the way it goes, coreation doesn't equal causation.

Meghan said...

The attention you get when coming out is so wierd. I was so uncomfortable I kept bursting out with "it took us 2.5 years" or " we went through IF". All it served was to make the person congratulating me feel awkward...but it made me feel better.

Good luck with everything, just feel what you feel and don't let anyone else's expectations make you feel bad or guilty. Only you have lived in your shoes...

Jenn said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've been through a lot. You just have to baby-step it. (((hugs)))

Darreth Renelle said...

Trish, I'm 18 weeks and still constantly worrying about everything and still checking the TP. You're not alone in that and praying is the only thing that relieves my stress (until the next episode and praying session). I'm constantly thinking of you!!!

Osh said...

I hate to break it to you, but even after the baby is born you will never stop worrying and being anxious. It's called being a mom. Welcome to the club!

Mrs Little Fisch said...

I randomly found your blog a little while back and like to check in every now and again to see how you're doing. I wish you all the calm and happiness in the world, and that you get all the rest and TLC you need now. Take care and good luck!

Freyja said...

I've never m/c. I'm a paranoid person by nature, I can't imagine how I would react to having multiple. That said I do want to impart one thought that has helped me a great deal in the last 6 months. "What is, is and what will be, will be." I'm not a fatalist or anything like that, but I have spent a lot of time in life with negative feelings about hypothetical and future situations. There are some things we can not change. No matter how much we worry. So we might as well do our best to not worry. It's unfulfilling at best, and joy-shattering at worst. Hugs and luck from OH to MO.