16w

Today was my 16w appointment.
I really like my new OB. I'm so thrilled I switched.
After the weigh in (up 1 lb since last appointment, putting me at a net loss of 5 pounds for the pregnancy) and the cup peeing (normal) I was lead to a room.

The nurse got the Doppler. It took her a minute to find it. Fortunately, I didn't freak. I had listened at home last night and was prepared for it to take a minute. She reassured me right away that if she couldn't find it, the doctor would try again. A few seconds later, it was found. As usual, heart rate in the 160s.

From there, the doctor came in and we talked a bit. It was really rather uneventful. I told her about the spotting incident last week. i wasn't sure if she'd do another ultrasound or not. She didn't. I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed. But I was okay. She wants me to come back in two weeks vs the usual four because of the spotting.

We discussed my back pain. (Not a complaint, just an observation. When I got up this morning I literally couldn't get my right leg to work. It was like my right hip was "stuck.") She recommended a massage or a chiropractor.

She wrote an order for my big u/s and an AFP screening. I don't need the full quad screen because of the NT scan. She's sending me back to the perinatal center for the big u/s. I will call and schedule it tomorrow. It will be done in 2-4 weeks. I'm hoping for more like 2. We'll see what I can get.

Then I was done and on my way.

Usually after a doctor's appointment I feel relieved. Today I didn't. I don't know if it's the disappointment of no ultrasound (I know I've been spoiled. Believe me.) or what, exactly. But I've had that bad feeling all day. No spotting, no cramping or anything. Hell, I actually threw up tonight. (That's a really funny story I'll tell tomorrow.) But I still couldn't shake the bad feeling.

I came home and used my Doppler and listened again but it still didn't seem to shake off the feeling of doom. Maybe I'm just overtired. I haven't had even remotely enough sleep in 2 days and it seems I'm getting a cold. I'm off tomorrow so I can sleep in. Hopefully that improves my disposition.

I annoy myself with my inability to be positive. I do catch myself feeling somewhat hopeful occasionally. Thinking about when the baby is here. But when I do catch it, I actually talk myself out of it. It seems like the minute I think things are going well, something comes along to knock it out of me. I think I've been socialized into always preparing for the worst and never even bothering to hope for the best. It's annoying. But it's me, I suppose.

I am who I am.


--Trish