Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Weight gain: FAIL.

It's so frustrating. He's only gained 1 ounce in 4 days. Now, he was starving when she weighed him- he was overdue to eat, so some food in his tummy probably would have helped a little, but still.

I've even been giving him fortified bottles. Guess we'll add another. And throw another moose on the fire.

The breastfeeding is improving. It's still not great, but he'll at least latch on and nurse for a few minutes several times a day.

We have an occupational therapist coming on Thursday who is also a lactation consultant- I'm going to discuss things with her.

My milk supply is better but not great. I was making less than 50% of what he was eating and now I'm making closer to probably 70%, but the frozen supply is going quickly.

This stresses me out immensely because he doesn't tolerate formula very well and if he has to go to formula it's going to be ugly.

So I just ordered some domperidone. I'm too scared of the depression risks with Reglan. Since I feel like I'm sort of barely holding it together as it is, I'm quite sure that would push me over the edge.

Speaking of which, I had a melt down on Saturday.
I'd finally gotten some sleep. Maybe it gave me the energy to freak out, I don't know.

But I was trying to nurse Robbie and it wasn't going well. He was hysterical. I finally tried to give him a bottle, but it was too late. He was too hysterical to even calm down and take the bottle.

David had some in to watch and finally I put Robbie and the bottle down, stood up and said "David, you have to feed him. You have to. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm losing my fucking mind." Then went to the bathroom, closed the door and pretty much lost my shit.

After I was done crying and feeling stupid, I came back and offered to take Robbie back. David insisted he had it. And he did. It wasn't a pretty feed, he'd wail, then eat a bit, then wail some more. But he got through the bottle. And David took him for a few hours while I slept.

He promised to help more. Promised I could leave the house the next day. Promised we'd go for a walk.

None of them happened, but at least for that evening, I got some rest.

I don't know what to say about the state of my marriage. I hope that someday I can overcome the resentment I feel. But for now I've just had to accept that I'm mostly functioning as a single parent. If I expect nothing I can't be let down. Then when he DOES come through- like on Saturday- I am pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, that's the state of things for now.

It's really not as bad as I seem to be making it seem.

Robbie is beautiful. He's wonderful. He's healthy and developing well and I adore him.

I'm about to turn 32. It'll be my first birthday as a mom. At least as a mom of a real, live baby. Life is pretty good.

But man, motherhood is hard.



Mrs. Spit said...

Marathon, not sprint.

Excuse me while I get another moose.

Brittany said...

Oh no Robbie. That's not going to work.
Sending a moose (though I'm not sure what that really means...guess I should go back and read!)
Just to try and ease your mind a bit, there are some pretty expensive formulas out there that Robbie might be able to tolerate better. My daughter was a preemie too (only 4 weeks though) and I had the same breast milk supply issue that you do. I just didn't produce much. So when I finally decided to stop pumping to save my sanity, it was the beginning of something worse. It took a few weeks, but we ended up on Enfamil Nutramigen. AKA the most expensive formula in the world. It hurt our checkbook pretty bad, but worked wonders for her.
Hope that eases your mind a little bit in case you decide to switch to formula.
I know it's a hard decision.
Hang in there...

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been reading for a long time, but never commented (sorry about that - I always feel stalker-ish, silly I know) anyway, I just had to say "hang in there" I think the first year of marraige as parents is SO hard, if not the hardest. Mom feels the weight of 7 worlds on her shoulders and is exhausted and Dads, well Daddy's just don't seem to get it. It will get better though, some day (sooner than you think possible) you will feel a tug of jealousy as your boys go off to do boy things and you're not invited!

Keep your chin up, this too shall pass.


Kim said...

Ya know, I don't really go around telling people this but...

I sleep with a moose. His name is Moo. He has bells inside his feet so that I can find him at night.

And if I have to sacrifice him for Robbie, I will. I may cry for a few nights, but I'll get over it.

Hang in there. Your marriage and mine are in the same sucky place. Not sucky enough to actually consider it not worthwhile.. but just sucky enough to suck big time.

Two Hands said...

Motherhood is very hard and for the record, you're doing a wonderful job at it, especially given the enormous amount of extra stuff you've had to do because he was early.
I'm sorry you're not getting enough help though. That. Rots.
I wish Robbie was big enough for cheesecake, I know it's worked wonders for me at times....
Going to order a moose now, apparently you can get them mail-order.

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there. I will add to my prayers and I don't think I'll ever see a moose without thinking of you and Robbie.

Marriage is tough on it's own, parenting is tough on it's own and you've got the double whammy of hard.

hugs and prayers

Valerie said...

Hang in there, girl. Having a baby can be rough on a marriage. The best thing for you to do is to force him to help like you did with that feeding. Eventually it will become second nature to him. I'm not saying it will happen overnight, but he'll get there.

And if he doesn't, I'll send my husband to teach him.

chipz95 said...

Husbands just don't get it. I locked myself in the bathroom so many times those first months and left him with the baby just so I could get a 10 minute break. The arguments we had during that time were the worst - and are still the worst - we ever had in 8 years.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday with that super cute baby of yours!

Take care

Amy said...

Glad you've caught up to me in age again. ;) I hope you are able to have a wonderful birthday despite the lack of sleep and everything ...

I am really sorry it's so hard right now; praying for improvements on all fronts! Love you!

Lisa said...

Motherhood is hard. So very, very hard. Like Nicole, I spent many a night crying in the bathroom. Heck, I still lock myself in the bathroom when I need 5 minutes to myself sometimes.

If nothing else convinces you that we are the stronger sex, motherhood should do it! :)

Anonymous said...

Trish- I am the mom of a premie too--though not nearly as early as Robbie. I have been reading your blog, and sending you prayers since Robbie was born. I look back on my own experience and am amazed at how I got through it--I wonder what it must be like to give birth and bring home a healthy baby for whom you don't need to stress over every ounce. (We had reflux and colic as well, of course.) You will be okay...the marital resentment will fade once Robbie is sleeping and eating better---you have been through so much, and it is hard to recognize your own strength just yet. Be patent with yourself. Hang in there and know that there's a mom in New Jersey praying for you who understands.