Check-in

Weight gain: FAIL.

It's so frustrating. He's only gained 1 ounce in 4 days. Now, he was starving when she weighed him- he was overdue to eat, so some food in his tummy probably would have helped a little, but still.

I've even been giving him fortified bottles. Guess we'll add another. And throw another moose on the fire.

The breastfeeding is improving. It's still not great, but he'll at least latch on and nurse for a few minutes several times a day.

We have an occupational therapist coming on Thursday who is also a lactation consultant- I'm going to discuss things with her.

My milk supply is better but not great. I was making less than 50% of what he was eating and now I'm making closer to probably 70%, but the frozen supply is going quickly.

This stresses me out immensely because he doesn't tolerate formula very well and if he has to go to formula it's going to be ugly.

So I just ordered some domperidone. I'm too scared of the depression risks with Reglan. Since I feel like I'm sort of barely holding it together as it is, I'm quite sure that would push me over the edge.

Speaking of which, I had a melt down on Saturday.
I'd finally gotten some sleep. Maybe it gave me the energy to freak out, I don't know.

But I was trying to nurse Robbie and it wasn't going well. He was hysterical. I finally tried to give him a bottle, but it was too late. He was too hysterical to even calm down and take the bottle.

David had some in to watch and finally I put Robbie and the bottle down, stood up and said "David, you have to feed him. You have to. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm losing my fucking mind." Then went to the bathroom, closed the door and pretty much lost my shit.

After I was done crying and feeling stupid, I came back and offered to take Robbie back. David insisted he had it. And he did. It wasn't a pretty feed, he'd wail, then eat a bit, then wail some more. But he got through the bottle. And David took him for a few hours while I slept.

He promised to help more. Promised I could leave the house the next day. Promised we'd go for a walk.

None of them happened, but at least for that evening, I got some rest.

I don't know what to say about the state of my marriage. I hope that someday I can overcome the resentment I feel. But for now I've just had to accept that I'm mostly functioning as a single parent. If I expect nothing I can't be let down. Then when he DOES come through- like on Saturday- I am pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, that's the state of things for now.

It's really not as bad as I seem to be making it seem.

Robbie is beautiful. He's wonderful. He's healthy and developing well and I adore him.

I'm about to turn 32. It'll be my first birthday as a mom. At least as a mom of a real, live baby. Life is pretty good.

But man, motherhood is hard.

--Trish