Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Home- Part Deux

Well, we're back home again.

We follow up with the pediatrician next week and the GI specialist the week after that. And somewhere in there- the surgeon.

We have a prescription (A $171 prescription, I might add!) for liquid pepcid.

It's frustrating that we're fighting reflux after having had anti-reflux surgery, but it is what it is.

Robbie is eating MUCH better, sleeping MUCH better and generally life is going well. He did spit up once earlier, but it was a small amount and only the one time.

We also had our first experience with his home monitor going off. He had a brady right after we got home. It was resolved before I could even get to the monitor, but it still freaked me out. But I suppose thats why we have the monitor in the first place. We managed.

The worst part of the day was actually this morning when I found myself feeling like a piece of crap mother.

Robbie was up to eat about every 2 hours last night. I was relieved, mostly, because it was nice to see him eating. After he ate at 5, he was in a great- and very awake- mood. I was sitting in the hospital bed talking to him when the nurse came in to check on him. I told her he had eaten and was just wide awake. She asked if I'd like her to take him and I could go back to sleep. I hedged but then agreed. I knew we were coming home today and might be my last chance for sleep for a while.

When our pediatrician came for rounds, I commented that we had to get out of the hospital today because we were being threatened with a room mate. She said that was completely unacceptable. Then added "You have to get out of here because every nurse in the place wants to hold him. I came in and he's at the nurse's station. He doesn't need to be around all those people."

It honestly hadn't even occurred to me that the nurse taking him meant him being around "people." I'm so used to the isolation of the NICU that I just thought "oh good, a skilled, trustworthy person to look after him while I get some rest."

I felt horrible. And it's lingered all day. If he does get sick, I'm never going to forgive myself.

He seems fine, but it's really eaten at me all day. This isolation thing is harder than I expected. And I expected it to be hard.

Just be another in a long line of feeling not good enough to be his mom. Mommy guilt sucks.

For now, we soldier on. David's gone for a conference across the state for 3 days, so my MIL is here. Fortunately she's very good about helping w/o being in the way. She listens to what I say about Robbie and takes it seriously. And she's been good for David in helping him to adjust to parenthood as well. She's not perfect, but overall, I couldn't ask for much better.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Hopefully this trip home is the one that sticks.



Jen said...

Oh Trish you are being way too hard on yourself! Robbie couldn't possibly have gotten a better Mommy! I know your situation is MUCH more delicate right now, but us as mom's are always going to second guess our choices and hope we picked the right things for our kids...I think all of us would have thought the same way as you in that situation. MY first thought would be "I need sleep so I can be a better mom when I get home" You are an amazing mom with strength beyond my wildest dreams, Robbie is one very lucky kiddo!

Jen Rooks

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh sweetie. If Robbie had to be around people, I'd say best he be around nurses, who wash their hands.

You need the sleep. God will watch over him, when you are awake, and when you are not.

Robyn said...

I hope this time it is permanent. Try not to beat yourself up about Robbie being handed off to lots of the nurses as you didn't know she was going to do that.

Carolina Girl said...

Mommy guilt does suck! You are doing a great job, and even the best moms feel like pieces of crap mothers at times. I am glad you guys are back home and that Robbie seems to be doing well.

Amy said...

Wow. Yeah that stinks about the nurse exposing him ... BUT I agree with your other commenters, please don't give yourself a hard time about it! So glad you are home and he's doing well and that your MIL is being so helpful for all three of you. Praying that you'll be able to get a little more sleep, too! Is MIL or David able to do some of his feeds so you get a chance to nap for a longer period?

Pamela said...

I agree with everyone else. DO NOT beat yourself up over it. You made the best choice you could with the information you had at hand. The outcome was someone else's doing, not yours. You're going to be second-guessing and feeling guilty about your decisions for years to come. ;) But don't ever think that you're not good enough to be Robbie's mommy! No one else loves him like you do! You are the entire world to him!

Spork Fashion said...


T-Mommy said...

Glad to hear you are going home again!

Time flies.... and isolation is not that bad at all when you it is your first child and you are getting things sorted out at home.

T-Mommy said...

Glad to hear you are going home again!

Time flies.... and isolation is not that bad at all when you it is your first child and you are getting things sorted out at home.

AngelsAmid said...

You're being too hard on yourself! I can't believe the nurse did that, I mean, of all people shouldn't SHE know better...
You're doing a great job :) You're a great Mom! You've had to learn way more than most Moms will ever have to deal with. *hugs*

Tracy said...

I'm glad you're back home!

You needed to sleep and the nurse wanted to help. Apparently it didn't occur to the nurse that taking him would expose him to more people either. Don't beat yourself up.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

What a roller coaster! I hope this trip home is for good. Get some rest while your MIL is there and be kind to yourself - you're a great mother :)

Jennifer said...

I have been thinking about you often! I am so glad to hear that you are home again with Robbie. I think that just the emotional roller coaster that you have been on for the past few months as been so hard! Try and keep your head up and know that we are praying for you. I think that once you get back on the path of having him at home that you will feel much better. I am not saying that you will not be tired, as I remember those days!!!!!!! But, it will not be as tiring as making numerous trips to the NICU. Praying for you. Please continue the updates!

Valerie said...

You will always have Mommy guilt about something. Know that you are doing the very best that you can for Robbie. He is so lucky to have you as his mother.