Thursday, September 18, 2008


I'm having a hard time writing this post.
I just typed out a huge one and decided it sounded whiny and bitchy and deleted the whole thing.
If you're in the trenches of infertility, I'm going to recommend you skipping this one. I wouldn't have wanted to read it when I was still TTC.

The short version is that I'm exhausted.

David has just not been as helpful as I'd expected him to be.

He doesn't get up at night. Ever. Not even once. He'll sleep 10 hours a night even on the weekends. I haven't slept 10 hours in the last 3 days combined.

Robbie won't nurse, so I'm still exclusively pumping.

My milk supply is shit- probably from lack of sleep. I started Fenugreek yesterday so I smell like I bathed in syrup. And God knows I don't have time to shower to get the sweet stink off of me.

David tells me I need to cook and clean more.

I told him we might need a divorce lawyer.

In the end, we both cried and said we'd work out a schedule.

Mostly I'm just living for my mother-in-law to visit because I feel like I can finally rest.

David's still awkward with Robbie. He spent all the months that Robbie was in the hospital just coasting. Every time I'd encourage him to feed/change/hold him, he'd try to pass it off to a nurse. If I got pissy, he'd finally do it, but he seemed to have to DRAG himself out of the chair to be bothered to do something.

He told me a 100 times how tired he was. I tried to be understanding.. he doesn't handle stress well. He has no outlets.

But mostly I just wanted to slug him. While he was snoring blissfully, I was wringing my hands in the NICU. He didn't KNOW tired.

Now it's even worse. Robbie eats at least every 3 hours- often every 2. If I could get him to nurse, it would speed things up. But for now, I have to pump, prepare and wash bottles.

These are all "normal" woes, I know. Every new mom is exhausted.

And I'm thrilled to BE normal, but I don't know if my husband is going to survive Robbie's first year.

I might smother him with his warm, inviting pillow.

I'm hoping it gets better.

After I threatened to divorce him (yes, I really did. My temper is VERY VERY short these days and he was way over the line.) we talked and he agreed to help more.

Tonight he helped keep an eye on Robbie for about 2 hours while I pumped/tried to nap.

After fixing Robbie's pacifier/patting his back 4 or 5 times, David said "he HAS to sleep SOME TIME." It was all I had to do not to laugh. I said "this is a glimpse of what I do every single night."

Tonight he complimented my mothering several times. And mentioned taking care of Robbie on the weekend so I can sleep.

My MIL is in on The Plan. She's frustrated that David's so.....helpless.

She's going to stay with him while I'm at my baby shower on Saturday but she's already said she's going to make him do everything. She'll be there to coach, but that's it. Thank God she's not one of those moms who thinks her son does no wrong.

She's almost as frustrated with him as I am.

Of course, the minute that I'm completely fed up and exhausted, Robbie smiles. It makes everything better.

I'm still in awe that he's truly mine. I keep half expecting someone to knock on the door and demand their baby back.

Their FIVE POUND baby, I might add.

We had our first pediatrician appointment this morning. Five pounds, one ounce! All is well. The doctor doesn't want to see us for another month. We continue on the heart monitor for a while longer, we hope to gain lots more weight. We tweaked his reflux meds a little bit, hoping it helps. She wants his G-button removed ASAP. Hopefully at his 6 week post-op check (October 6, I believe?) it'll be gone.

Overall, things are improving. Both with Robbie and with David.

Keep the moose coming and pray that I don't kill David in a fit of rage.



All About Amelia said...

trish - you are preaching to the choir!! welcome to mommy-hood :)These are the complaints of us all - we all have husbands who want us to doitall and just don't get it - that we are tired too. I hope things get better - and dave will hopefully get more comfortable with robbie the bigger he gets, when he seems less delicate. Hang in there!! and feel free to vent anytime.

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry that you have been through so much and still have to keep going! I think that sometimes it is just inbedded that it should be the mothers job. However, that is totally wrong! If I was in your shoes, I think that I would have felt the same way! I too hope that things will improve. I am thinking that once he has to do things and you and your MIL are just there to coach that he will feel comfortable. I wonder in a way if he is kind of nervous/scared and knows that you know everything! But still, that is no excuse. Try and get some rest. I am here to listen! Hoping that things get better, very soon :)

Arin said...

I know you don't know me and probably don't give a rip what a stranger has to say, but I've been following your blog and praying for you for months. When Robbie was born I even had my husband, who thinks my blog-stalking you is weird, praying for your family.

Anyhow, I had all four of my kids before my best friend had her two. She tells this story (I don't remember the conversation) that when her first was just a month old or so, she called me sobbing telling me that she was going to end up divorced, that she HATED her husband. My response: "I've had four kids and I've hated my husband every time".

Obviously, we don't really hate them, long term at least, but this is one of the most stressful times of mommy-hood. I think you're doing an amazing job considering all the stress you've been under (I can only imagine that level of stress). Take EVERY offer of help and time will improve this situation.

I wish you all the best!

Elizabeth said...

I'm thinking about you. I know it will get better but until it does it's too much for one person without a whole lot of tears and that's not good.

Husbands/dads should help, it's that simple and if you are pumping he can feed Robbie too. With that help you might be able to get more sleep, make more milk and breastfeed straight.

My husband asks me daily how Robbie is doing and you, today you will be helping ME b/c I'll share this post and I'm betting it will make an impact.

Peer pressure works with guys in the weirdest way.

chipz95 said...

You poor thing. That sounds all too familiar. I know that resentful feeling very well.

On a good note, I'm so happy to hear Robbie is gaining weight!! Yea!!


Mrs. Spit said...

Oh sweetie. I so wish I was there and could walk the floors with him and let you nap.

Hang in there. We love you. Don't kill Dave - Robby needs his mummy at home, not in jail.

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry that you're feeling exhausted and frustrated. your husband really should help out more, and good for you for threatening him to get him involved! whatever it takes to get that man to bond with your son more, and to be more involved is good. you dont want his type of attitude carried throughout robbie's life.

your MIL sounds amazing! i can only imagine how much harder this might be if she weren't supportive. i hope you get some rest soon. i know everyone says this, but it was my mantra for so long....remember - this too shall pass. =)

kjames106 said...

Hey girl, hang in there. First of all, I'm so proud that you are giving him breastmilk. It is sooo good for him, especially since he is a premie. Good job, Mama! Have you thought of going to an LLL meeting to help with the nursing. They can get you right on track! And, give you lots of support.

I'm glad your hubby's mother is coming, you do need some rest. It's hard being a mother with no rest. Hope you guys get a plan worked out!

You are doing wonderful. Hang in there!!

Spork Fashion said...

A helpful MIL! It's a damn-near miracle! LOL

Tell David if he doesn't shape up, I'm gonna fly out there and beat the crap out of him. No, wait, even better: I will bring him back to LA, and force him to move in with a hippy family (a la "30 Days") and make him live on a commune ;)

Heather said...

Wow! Great to hear Robbie is getting bigger!

On the rough topic, the first year of having a child is very tough on a marriage. I think just knowing that can make you feel better. I was married for 6 years before our daughter came along and it was still the most trying time of our marriage.

It is great that you have your MIL to talk to. I always say not to bother your mother, sisters, etc. about issues with your spouse, but to tell them to your MIL, as they still have to love them and they can sympathize. My MIL is great for this too!

Keep communicating with David about what help you need. Please tell him that when it comes to cooking and cleaning you need his help more than ever, as that is not your priority right now. Explain to him the difference in your sleep patterns and let him know that means you need to nap sometimes when he's awake. My DH never woke with our DD when she was a baby, since I was nursing, but boy did he ever know I wasn't going to stay up until 11 PM at night with him or that I didn't need an afternoon nap.

Hang in there and keep communicating. It's the best thing you can do.

Anonymous said...

If you are pumping, try to have one or two bottles a day that you put aside for during the night... When the baby cries in the night, have him get up and feed him one of those already prepared bottles. He can choose the time (if Robbie is on a schedule - like, I'll do the 10 feeding, you do the 12 feeding, I'll do the 2 feeding.. or I'll go to bed at 8 and sleep - you take 8-12 and then I'll do the during the night feedings and then you do the early morning - whatever works). That's what we had to do when we had our son. I don't think it's specific to your husband, I think they all don't get it... especially when you are nursing... It does get better the more he gets on a schedule and the longer he sleeps... Is he in your room still? You may want to try putting him in his crib.. I know, he has his medical issues, and I know that would be hard... but we out our son in his crib at 6 weeks and right away we all started sleeping better and longer. Also, and I know this is hard, but sleep when he sleeps... forget the house cleaning, the cooking, etc. Do only what you have to and get your rest because if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy.

Milenka said...

*hugs* I'm actually terrified of Fox coming home for a similar reason. My twins started sleeping 12-14 hour nights when they were 8 weeks old (I know I was lucky, though they had colic and reflux and never slept the first 8 weeks or during the day after then) so I'm used to sleeping at night now. My husband, who was awesome at letting me sleep at night with their arrival, now works 3rd shift and goes to school during the day. Yes, that means that I will be completely alone from Noon until 8am every single day. I'm really hoping I can adjust to sleeping from 8am-Noon because the nurses say the boy doesn't sleep much and hardly ever at night. Anyhow, my whole point is that I sympathize and hope it gets better there soon! Hopefully Robbie will sleep more and you guys will adjust quickly! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Has anyone else who has been short on breastmilk been prescribed Reglan? It's supposed to be used to improve "gastric motility" but has the side effect of increasing breastmilk in some women. I was prescribed it by my OB/gyn after my son didn't gain much weight after coming home from the hospital. My OB's nurse suggested it and it really helped me, much better than the teas did. It might something to try - at least one fewer thing to worry about.

Kim said...

Hang in there sweetie, you're doing FABULOUSLY. And David is, well, acting like a typical man/new father.

My personal recommendation (for WHATEVER it's worth) is to either write him a letter. You could talk instead, but that gives him the oppurtunity to argue about who's right. He only gets to 'listen' through a letter. Remind him of what it TOOK to get Robbie. Remind him of what you've BEEN through to get him home. Tell him that you don't want him to regret not being a more active father, because he will. Tell him that you LOVE to watch him take care of Robbie. Then, tell him that things in your family need to be 50/50. Maybe this is just me, but if you let it slip by and make excuses or act like it's not a big deal when it really is, nothing gets resolved and you'll end up resenting him. I went through that with R when we had B. It got to the point where I just had to TELL HIM how it was going to be. If I needed to go to the store, then I went. I didn't ask him to babysit his own child. If I fed her at 11pm, then I told him that she would be waking up around 2am to eat and remind him to change her after she ate. I didn't make it a choice, I couldn't. I was exhausted and stressed and close to having a breakdown. If you tell David that you're at a breaking point and ask for help and he waits until you break to step in, then you'll have bigger issues than who fed Robbie when, ya know?

I know that you're madly in love with each other.. and you have been through SO much. You'll make it through this, too - I'm sure. It will just take some time, effort on both sides, and the cold hard truth.

AngelsAmid said...

I think my ILs are the type to think my DH does no wrong *puke* :-\ Sorry to hear he's been like that- Tom says he won't but I'm so afraid he'll try to pull the same crap

Sheridan said...

Oh! This is bringing back so many bad memories. My husband was also so awkward with our daughter when she was a baby. He always looked so stiff and uncomfortable, and every time she needed anything and a little pat didn't help he would pass her back to me.

We got stuck in the same kind of vicious cycle that sometimes happens with laundry - the husband is obviously bad at it, makes a few mistakes, and gets mostly let off the hook.

Wish Dave luck from me - the only way to get comfortable with a new baby is to go through the uncomfortableness!

Maureen said...

My first was full term, but I could have written your post a week after I came home with him. I was pumping (he wouldn't latch, had not gaining weight issues... I persisted, he eventually would latch without a nipple shield by 4 months). DH was less helpful than I wanted. The day that got to me the most was, I asked to take a shower alone. The baby had cried a lot that day, the only thing to calm him was walking. So I am in the shower, I think to myself, I've heard the baby cry so much I think I hear him now. A second later I decide I DO hear him now. Pull back the curtain, and there is DH sitting on the toliet holding my crying baby. I then said me showering alone means NO ONE is in the bathroom... not just me in the shower alone. DH rarely held the first unless I gave him the baby. As he got older, DH held him more. With our second, DH just held the baby more (although rarely does he initiate). Good luck!