Been up all night.
I'm paying my dues for having slept 5 hours almost in a row yesterday morning, I'm sure. Robbie was up to eat twice in that time, but went right back to sleep both times.
The boy finally went to sleep about a half hour ago. Still had to pump. Trying to figure out my day today.
It's my baby shower day.
It's a little bittersweet, to be honest.
I'm so much looking forward to getting out of the house, but also hate having to leave Robbie. It will be the first time since we've been home.
I'm looking forward to this time-honored tradition, gathering with friends and cooing over adorable baby things. But knowing this should have happened months ago, while I was still pregnant, when we should have played annoying games about guessing the size of my tummy is a reminder of some of the things that pre-e stole from me.
There are perks now, of course. We know he's a boy. We know he's small. I can eat what I want without worrying about unpasteurized cheese & lysteria. I won't have to stop to pee every 10 minutes. We WON'T play the guess-how-big-my-tummy-is game. (I supposed we could, but I might slug someone.)
What I wouldn't give to have all the annoyances back. To not have to choose between seeing my friends- friends I sorely miss- and being with my son. To bring along an ultrasound picture instead of photo albums showing how tiny and fragile he was.
I'm already lonely at home.
I'm a social person- perhaps too much so, but that's who I am. I have always enjoyed spending time with my friends, being able to hop up at a moment's notice and grab a bite to eat or hit the mall.
Even in the NICU- if I needed a moment away, I could pop next door and check on Robbie's girlfriend's parents.
I've been listening to Elvis tonight. Her dad was a big Elvis fan and it's made me miss him. He always had something thoughtful and kind to say.
Or I could laugh with Robbie's BFF's parents- he was 2 weeks younger than Robbie but excelled so we were usually neck and neck on the milestones. His parents were always as involved and demanding as me which made me feel right at home.
And there were always the nurses. Sure, I considered violent ends for one or two, but for the most part, I loved them. They were part of Team Robbie. I enjoyed getting to know them, hearing their stories, just hanging out.
The NICU is a community- an odd community, yes- but a community nonetheless.
And now I'm a hermit. The only time I've left the house in the last 2 weeks was to take Robbie BACK to the hospital and to the doctor on Wednesday.
People are the enemy- they harbor germs.
Thank God for the internet. My message boards, my blog, email.. and shopping, of course- God bless E-Bay. It's my only connection to the outside world.
But tomorrow I get to play. I'm hoping my mother in law shows up semi-early and I'm going to try to do a little REAL shopping. I need thank you notes and a couple of house things that I don't trust the husband to be able to pick, and maybe even a pair of pants that actually fit. (I'm down more than 50 pounds since Robbie was born. I'm having trouble keeping my pants up. That might make for interesting shower photos, but not really the excitement I'm looking for.)
So I'm off to sleep. Ninety minutes until the boy needs to eat again. Better make 'em count.
--Trish
10 comments:
Enjoy your shower and congrats on the 5 consecutive hours of sleep and I hope there's more where that came from.
Yay for your MIL coming too!
I'm glad that you are having a shower, even if it's not the way you hoped.
And congrats on the weight loss, that's spectacular.
I'm so happy you're having the shower! You deserve to have a great day with your friends.
As for the feeling of isolation, that's completely normal. Those first few months at home were really hard for me for the same reason (I know you have so many more valid concerns, but I was a germophobe so I kept us pretty isolated at the beginning). Is there any way you can bundle him up and go for a walk? Maybe in a sling? With the lovely weather, the fresh air might be just the ticket... Even if you don't see anyone else, at least it's a change of scenery.
When Peanut was about 4 months old, I started my mommy group. We had two preemies (one super preemie like Robbie-- he was a 25 weeker) in our group. They did really well. Once Robbie's a little older, you'll have the opportunity to connect with other adults again (on a more regular basis).
You know I'm always here... and germ free :) ((HUGS!))
I so well remember the isolation of very early motherhood - and we didn't have the health concerns that you do. It's an adjustment period anyway, while you figure out how to be a mom and still be yourself. I hope Robbie thrives and grows and you are able to join some kind of group soon. My favorite was a stroller group that met at a park with a mile-long loop. The kids would mostly conk out and we would do at least three circuits. It was great to just chat and hear other moms' tips - it really felt like a break.
Enjoy your shower! Live it up with the stinky cheese!
Trish,
I just wanted to let you know that feeling the way that you do about the NICU is totally normal. I think that having been in the same NICU that we were very fortunate to have had the environment in which we did! I will be thinking about you on this special day :) Can't wait to hear about how much fun you have and all of your new goodies, or Robbie's goodies!
I hope you had a wonderful shower. I LOL at "We WON'T play the guess-how-big-my-tummy-is game. (I supposed we could, but I might slug someone.)" I personally hate this game and refuse to play pg or not.
Congrats on the weight loss down 50 pounds is amazing! You should be proud of yourself.
I missed the NICU for a couple of months. Even though it's so crappy tp be there, there is familiarity in the familiar.
And yeah. I felt EXACTLY the same way about my baby shower. The first baby is when you're supposed to feel special and enjoy all those silly games. I wish you didn't have to miss out on a carefree baby shower.
How did your shower go? Wow you're done 50lbs... you give me hope! :) I need to lose a bunch :-\
I hope nobody played the how big the stomach game is... I know I'll be forced to go through this and will be pissed if people are using 1/2 a roll of toilet paper in their guesses...
Hey, I hope the shower was a lot of fun. I've been worried that the first few months after the baby is born would be isolating, and I never even thought about how much harder it must be with a preemie. You're doing amazing.
I love ebay :)
Hope you had a great baby shower. Sorry you're feeling kind of lonely. Make sure you call someone every day when you can. A human voice is almost as good as being there in person.
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