Been up all night.
I'm paying my dues for having slept 5 hours almost in a row yesterday morning, I'm sure. Robbie was up to eat twice in that time, but went right back to sleep both times.
The boy finally went to sleep about a half hour ago. Still had to pump. Trying to figure out my day today.
It's my baby shower day.
It's a little bittersweet, to be honest.
I'm so much looking forward to getting out of the house, but also hate having to leave Robbie. It will be the first time since we've been home.
I'm looking forward to this time-honored tradition, gathering with friends and cooing over adorable baby things. But knowing this should have happened months ago, while I was still pregnant, when we should have played annoying games about guessing the size of my tummy is a reminder of some of the things that pre-e stole from me.
There are perks now, of course. We know he's a boy. We know he's small. I can eat what I want without worrying about unpasteurized cheese & lysteria. I won't have to stop to pee every 10 minutes. We WON'T play the guess-how-big-my-tummy-is game. (I supposed we could, but I might slug someone.)
What I wouldn't give to have all the annoyances back. To not have to choose between seeing my friends- friends I sorely miss- and being with my son. To bring along an ultrasound picture instead of photo albums showing how tiny and fragile he was.
I'm already lonely at home.
I'm a social person- perhaps too much so, but that's who I am. I have always enjoyed spending time with my friends, being able to hop up at a moment's notice and grab a bite to eat or hit the mall.
Even in the NICU- if I needed a moment away, I could pop next door and check on Robbie's girlfriend's parents.
I've been listening to Elvis tonight. Her dad was a big Elvis fan and it's made me miss him. He always had something thoughtful and kind to say.
Or I could laugh with Robbie's BFF's parents- he was 2 weeks younger than Robbie but excelled so we were usually neck and neck on the milestones. His parents were always as involved and demanding as me which made me feel right at home.
And there were always the nurses. Sure, I considered violent ends for one or two, but for the most part, I loved them. They were part of Team Robbie. I enjoyed getting to know them, hearing their stories, just hanging out.
The NICU is a community- an odd community, yes- but a community nonetheless.
And now I'm a hermit. The only time I've left the house in the last 2 weeks was to take Robbie BACK to the hospital and to the doctor on Wednesday.
People are the enemy- they harbor germs.
Thank God for the internet. My message boards, my blog, email.. and shopping, of course- God bless E-Bay. It's my only connection to the outside world.
But tomorrow I get to play. I'm hoping my mother in law shows up semi-early and I'm going to try to do a little REAL shopping. I need thank you notes and a couple of house things that I don't trust the husband to be able to pick, and maybe even a pair of pants that actually fit. (I'm down more than 50 pounds since Robbie was born. I'm having trouble keeping my pants up. That might make for interesting shower photos, but not really the excitement I'm looking for.)
So I'm off to sleep. Ninety minutes until the boy needs to eat again. Better make 'em count.