Friday, November 11, 2011

Still here

Today was a rough day.
My blood pressure started out about 168/100. That's not a good way to start the day. The earned me a visit from the resident right way. fortunately it did come down a little, before spiking back up in the afternoon again.

The peri on today was Dr. Sunshine. I'm certain his face didn't help my BP, either. Yet again, he came in and introduced himself with a "nice to meet you." Never mind that I've met the man umpteen times and presumably he glanced at my chart and could see he own notes on it.

He does not want me on blood pressure meds. His feeling is that because I do not have hypertension outside of pregnancy, if my BP is going up, it's because I'm getting sicker and if i'm getting sicker, the baby needs to come out. At 35 weeks, the good to the baby is smaller than the risk to me. They're not going to let me get as sick as I did with Robbie. As much as I dislike the man, I couldn't argue the point.

Later in the day, my BP stabilized in the 150s/90s. Obviously that's crappy, but the threshold they're looking for is 160/100, so at least it was stabilized at a point that I can stay pregnant at.

Emotionally, I can't say I took it all very well. I'm really beginning to doubt my ability to make it much further. I'm hoping for at least 36, but we'll see. I wish I felt more confident, but I don't.

My NST in the peri center went well. The baby was very sleepy today but we finally got her moving and she passed all her tests. My labs were drawn in the morning and they were all normal/stable.

I went to the floor's daily "class" for what amounted to our social time. One of the moms was being discharged today and everyone was a bit emotional. She obviously wanted to go home, but was nervous, too. Another mom was down in L&D with variables in her baby. My nurse came in at one point to take my blood pressure and it was still crappy.

We started talking about things and before I knew it I'd started crying. I apologized and of course, the other moms were as supportive as could be. "Please, I cry ALL the time." We talked about our feelings of failure. Of guilt over being tired of being here, wanting to be done, but knowing our babies aren't. Both of the moms with me have experienced losses, one of them also infertility. It was good to feel less alone, but also didn't drag me out of my pity party very well.

Back in my room, one of the chaplains came by. As soon as she walked in, I had to fight tears. She is very kind and I guess that was more than I could take. We talked a while about feeling down. She was a comfort, but of course, my pity party continued.

I called home to see how my MIL was doing with Robbie. They were having a nice day, but she told me that at one point they were watching the leaves fall off the trees and blow down the street. Robbie told her that the leaves were going down the street to the hospital- to visit Mommy. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. More tears.

I had eaten lunch but the baby wasn't moving. I tried all the usual tricks to get her going with no luck. Eventually I was so freaked that I called my nurse to come with the Doppler just to ease my mind. Just as she came in, my OB's partner came in for rounds. We talked about my crappy day. She was very kind. She gave me a pep talk. She also said she's going to assist my OB with my C-section and mentioned that they were likely scheduling it for Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That would be 36+3or4. I hope I can make it that far.

The evening was a bit better. My dad visited. A friend. Then David and my MIL brought Robbie up for dinner. That actually lead to more panic, though. Robbie is getting yet another cold. He hadn't even finished breathing treatments from his last cold and tonight he was a snotty mess and coughing already.

I'm scared that the baby will need to come in the next few days and Robbie will be sick. If the baby's lungs aren't mature, that's terrifying. If she needs to go to the NICU for any reason, Robbie certainly can't visit. And he could get me sick and lead to problems there as well. I really need this baby to stay in until Robbie's no longer contagious. Preferably another week. I need my body to cooperate a little longer.

At 26 weeks, if you'd have asked me how I'd feel at 35 weeks, I'd have told you that 37 would be better, but 35 was great. But here I sit at 35, still scared out of my wits. I want my baby to have every opportunity for health. I do not want to go to the NICU again. I don't want to live in fear of every cough and sniffle.

I know that even full term babies get sick. Sometimes they end up in the NICU. Sometimes they get asthma. There are no guarantees in parenting. But I want to give this baby the best chance to avoid those things that I possibly can. And it just pisses me off that my body is trying to steal that AGAIN.

I know that I have so many blessings. Being here isn't all bad. The cookies are good. As is the endless supply of hot water. Knowing that I'm minutes from the OR if I need to be is comforting. And I haven't had to fix myself a glass of water in 4 days.

David is proving to be the man of the hour all over again. I worry that he's going to exhaust himself, but he insists on taking care of everything. tonight he even told me he wanted to have a date-night on Saturday. He'll bring Robbie up to visit during the day, but then my MIL will keep him that evening. David will get take-out from somewhere close to the hospital and come watch a movie with me. He couldn't possibly be any more thoughtful or sweet.

And I'm trying to focus on that. My friends with 35ish weekers have shared their stories of success. And those help a lot. I'm focusing on those quite a bit. I just hope that I can be one of them if I have to.

Is it 36 weeks yet?



Jennifer said...

I read your blog all the time but never comment (I suck I know). I was born at 36 weeks and my brother was born at 34 weeks! this was decades ago and I am
pleased to report we are both fine. no nicu time. I believe my brother had to stay a few extra days in the hospital but he was home in time for his own baby shower! hang in there and try not to stress!!

Marissa said...

I'm also a lurker, but I just wanted to offer my support as well. Hang in there!

Deep Thinker said...

{{{hugs}}} I have a feeling everything will turn out okay. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, though. :)

A and W mom said...

Another success story (which I've probably shared) is my friend who had to have the C-section to have an appendectomy at 35w, her baby has done GREAT. 24 hrs mandatory observation in the nursery but he has always BFed great, developing great (started crawling early even), etc. He's 10m now and his development and health have really been VERY similar to his older sister, who was born at almost 42w.
Huge, huge hugs. I'm sorry yesterday was such a rough day and thankful that you had such awesome BP today. Praying that Robbie gets past contagion soon. If it helps, I got a cold shortly after my boys were born (they were maybe 1 week old) and neither caught it; I think thanks to breastmilk. I know they were 37w but still.
I really have had it in my head forever that you're going to deliver the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I'm really hoping now that comes true! I don't know; I have this unshakable conviction that this is going to be a fully-developed, healthy, take-home baby and I know Campbell has the same conviction. ;) We will see! But I know you know we are praying fervently for that to be the case. Hang in there, mama!

Meghan said...

I've read your blog forever (I was pregnant the same time you were with Robbie) but haven't commented in a long time. Just wanted to tell you how AMAZING you've been this pregnancy. Hoping Chello gets to cook a little bit longer. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You are doing SO WELL!!! And even if you are being exposed to Robbie's cold - you are passing along immunities via your placenta right now and will continue to do so with your breastmilk. You got this in the BAG mama! I am just in awe that you are at 35 weeks, this is going to be SUCH a different experience for you. No matter if you deliver in a week and a half .. or a week .. or a day or so from now - you are doing SO WELL and chubby cheeked Chello is going to rock it out when she makes her grand entrance. Hang in there, cheering for you!

~ Alicia