ramblings

Note of importance to all infertiles:

If trying to distract yourself from anything baby or fertility related, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT! Go to the zoo on a not-blistering-hot, not-raining July afternoon.

Yep. Seemed like a good idea. Do you have any idea how many adorable children are at the zoo on an almost perfect weather Sunday? Somewhere around a billion. One particular little boy was walking in front of me and kept turning around to wave. Blonde hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks. Yep. I could have claimed him as my own and no one would have been the wiser.

Then as we're walking towards the great ape exhibit, my husband broke my heart. "Just think, one day we'll bring our little munchkins here and tell them all about how they can't bring one home." I took a deep breath, reminded yet again how much I love him and responded, "But DAAAAAADDDDDYYYY, I want a POoooooooooonnnyyyyy." He chuckled and we went on. Just like we believed that might really happen. How perfectly normal of us.

I found myself looking around at all the people wandering around with their kids and wondering if they knew how lucky they are. I then tried to remind myself that perhaps they, too, had trouble conceiving. Perhaps the father holding the hand of the little boy who could have been mine has no sperm. The little bundle of excitement at his knees might have been conceived in a petri dish somewhere. That made me feel a little bit better.

I'm at 11dpo. (Once again, I'm blogging in the middle of the night. It's about 4am here, so I'm technically at 12dpo, but it's still Sunday to me.) The POAS-aholic on me wants to test. The cynic in me asks why I'd bother wasting a 10 dollar stick. Just wait and see if I'm late, which I won't be, and then I'll be happy I didn't waste the stick.

I've bargained with myself that if my temp is somewhere in the neighborhood of 98 in the morning, I'll test. Of course, it started that if it was above 98. Then if it was 98 or above. Then well, if it's like 97.9. Now I'm down to somewhere in the neighborhood. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

My temp was above 98 yesterday and I got all excited for a minute. Got up and plugged it into Ovusoft right away and went back to obsess over my previous charts- both negative and my one positive. Turns out I almost always have a mild spike about 10dpo. It wasn't newsworthy after all. And it was back down to just a normal post-O temp today. Though I did wake up with the covers half kicked off, so who knows. (More rationalizing.)

It's exhausting arguing with myself all the time. Does anyone else feel this way? Any given minute goes something like this:

Was that a twinge?
Oh. Wait. Gas.
My boobs are a little tender.
Stop Trish, your boobs always hurt.
Yeah, but they really hurt.
Yeah, shithead, you're on fertility meds. Of course they hurt. They hurt when you weren't pumping yourself full of drugs.
Oh wait, that's a cramp. Definitely a cramp.
Maybe it's gas.
Hmm. Doesn't seem to be gas.
You probably slept weird and pulled a muscle. Besides, you had cramps last month and it was pointless.
I sure am crabby. I was awfully crabby last time I was pregnant.
SHUT UP, TRISH. Jesus. Just wait for your period and if it doesn't show, take the damned test. Obsessing is getting you nowhere. STOP IT.
*praying*Dear God, please help me accept whatever is to be. Amen.
I feel totally fine. I'm NOT pregnant.
But you know, if I was pregnant, I think this time I'll tell David in some fancy way. And no one else. Well, except K. And L, of course. And the bloggers. Oh yeah, and B. But no one else. And the girls next to me at work cause they'll hear me on the phone. And my boss, cause I might need time off. But that's it.
But I'm totally fine. NOT pregnant. And it's okay.
This sucks.
Man, I'm tired.
Tired? Tired is a pregnancy symptom.
Yeah. It's also a symptom of never being able to stop TALKING TO YOURSELF.


It's constant. I really don't know how to shut it off. Perhaps I need to meditate. Yoga? A good punch to the head? I don't know. I'm open to suggestions.

And now I'm off to bed. Cause I'm tried. Which may or may not be a pregnancy symptom.



--Trish











*******Updated at 8:30am**********
Temp was high. 98.12
Got up to test. Another wasted 10 dollar stick. Totally negative. Not as upset as I thought I'd be. Not sure if that's cause I'm in denial, too asleep to let it sink in, or just so used to it that I don't notice anymore.

Oh. And BTW, in case you wonder, I didn't drink anything or pee for several hours before I went to bed. The pee was definitely strong enough.