Hell

Wanna know what the definition of hell is?

Babies-r-us while miscarrying my 2nd baby less than a week from my 1st due date.

Yes, my friends. I'm friggin' brilliant. I was feeling emotionally strong last night and thought I'd be fine. I wanted to pick up a few things for a friend and wasn't really worried at all. I asked my husband over dinner if he minded stopping by. I was worried it might upset HIM. Of course, HE was fine. I was not.

As we walked in, there were the wall decorations. One of them reads "I am a dream come true." I walked over and touched it longingly and said quietly to my husband, "this will be for us." He just smiled and agreed.

We moved toward the back of the store where all the strollers and such are. There was a couple obviously registering. I thought how right now we'd have all this done and set up and just waiting for labor. I felt the tears well up. I shook it off and turned around.

I found the clothing section and touched all the soft stuff. I even toyed with buying one particular outfit for a hope chest of sorts. Then I decided that was dumb because it was a girl's outfit and we might have a boy. I refused to think about the fact that we might never have either.

Then up to the front where I put on a shiny face for the too-perky check out girl. She handed us some coupons. I managed to stifle the urge to scoff at the notion I would ever need them.

When we got out the door, I could feel the waves of sadness about to overtake me. I knew if I started to sob my husband would get that deer-in-the-headlights look so I fought it back. He chatted cheerfully, completely unaware that my heart was caving in. I drove home in silence, berating myself for being stupid.

Why in the world would I think I was strong enough for that? I have been okayish. I really have. I've been working very hard to accept that this is the path that we're on, whether we chose it or not. I've looked back on all the shitty circumstances I've found myself in throughout my history and reminded myself how I wouldn't change any of it because it lead me to who I am and who I'm with now. And I really do believe that 10 years from now, maybe even 5 years from now, I'll be able to look back at this time with sadness, but see that we came out better people for it all. It's helped me stay sane.

But babies-r-us? (Or, rather, babies-r-them, as I informed my husband it should be called) I must be insane. Would an alcoholic still in rehab take a day trip to a brewery? Of course not. Everyone has limits.

Anyway, yes, I'm still miscarrying. Still bleeding with no apparent change. The Cytotec turned the bleeding from brown to bright red for perhaps 10 or 12 hours, but back to same ol' same ol' now.

I'll call on Monday and ask what next. I found it amusing that not only can I not get pregnant or stay pregnant properly, I can't even get UN-pregnant properly. I'm nothing if not special, I suppose.

The insomnia continues. I actually slept about 9 hours yesterday. It was fitful. I was awake several times but it was leaps and bounds better than the 3ish hours I've been getting. (Save for the 6 hours I got on Codeine. That was great sleep, but I was up for a day and a half after that.) Tonight it's back. I got excited because I got really tired about 1 am. I was asleep by 2. And yet a little before 5, I was up- WIDE awake. Here I sit.

I think I might wander out and see if I can see any of the meteor shower. I went out before I went to bed and think I saw something, but it could have been my eyes playing tricks on me. There is a street light in the neighbor's front yard and I think the light pollution might have gotten me. I think I'll go to the back and see if that's any better. Otherwise I might take a drive to the country tomorrow. I haven't had any blood tests in weeks, my body is probably confused by being topped off. I should donate to the mosquitoes.


--Trish