Friday, August 10, 2007

No progress

"I'm not scared of my vagina."

Yes. Those are words that came out of my mouth yesterday.
Had a follow up ultrasound and appointment to see if I'm EVER going to actually pass the sac. (Apparently the answer is no.)

I agreed to a dose of Cytotec to try to get things moving. That meant driving to the pharmacy and back to the doctor's office to have them place it. It's a vaginal suppository.

As the doctor and I were discussing if I REALLY had to come back, I managed to utter the above words. She just smiled. This wasn't my actual R.E. Apparently she was stuck in an airport trying to get back, so I saw a different doctor. This doctor is quite young. Seems like someone I could be friends with.

Turns out she's no stranger to the world of hoo-ha trouble. She said she has 1/2 an ovary. I had asked how she decided to go into infertility.

I think it's a testament to how bizarre the whole world of infertility is when I'm chatting about career choices while someone shoves pills up my hoo-ha.

Let me backtrack. When I got to the office and back to the ultrasound, the tech was having difficulty identifying what was going on. The sac was quite visible, but she was trying to see a heartbeat. (Not sure why, perhaps she's an even harder case for hope than me.) Anyway, everything is starting to break down. The sac isn't quite round anymore, and the fetus itself no longer looks like much except a blob. She asked if I'd mind going to their brand new u/s machine for a better look. I figured what's another dildo-camming amongst friends and agreed.

So I wrapped my blanket around my waist and traipsed across to the next u/s room. Well, because the machine is new, she needed help from the person trained to work it. AND the doctor decided to come in and see how things were going. Nothing like an audience when I'm in the stirrups. They were all very nice and apologetic about it all. I just laughed and said that not much phases me these days- that I scoff at people complaining about a pap smear.

The doc agreed they're wusses. (Her word, not mine.) We then discussed which is worse- the dentist or a pap smear. We all agreed it was the dentist. The doc actually saw the dentist that morning, and said she'd rather have 12 paps than do that again.

So, to the office to discuss our options. That's where we decided on the Cytotec, and I uttered my famous words. I was saying that I might be able to insert them myself. But they have to go behind my cervix, so that wasn't going to work out so well. She was concerned I wouldn't be able to get the angle right.

After a hellacious 90 minute visit to the Walgreen's from hell, I returned to the office with my lovely suppositories. They were placed and I left with a script for some Tylenol 3s. (Yes, another visit to Walgreen's. But a different one this time. MUCH better.)

I started to feel really bloated and odd within an hour. I went ahead and took a pain pill. A friend came over to sit with me until my husband got home, just in case anything happened. All that happened is that I found the cure for my insomnia- Codeine.
I slept on the couch a few hours, then moved to bed and slept another 4. The doc told me that most of the time it kicks in between 4 and 6 hours. Since I woke up 10 hours after they'd been placed, I hoped it was over.

No such luck. I'm barely even bleeding. I wish I could say I'm surprised. NOTHING comes easy. She said if nothing had happened in 24-48 hours to call back. I'll call this afternoon. That'll mean another dose of Cytotec. If that doesn't work, we'll have no choice but to have a D&C. She really doesn't want to do that and she's told me so many times how worried she is about uterine damage that she's got me scared, too.

Of course, at this point, just MAKE IT STOP. I've been bleeding for 2 1/2 weeks and I'm getting nowhere. The sac is in the same place it was 9 days ago. My body just will not cooperate.

Adding to all of this, my friend that was due the same day as me had her baby yesterday. Her blood pressure went up and they took her early. I'm very happy for her, and I surprised myself by not crying. But the irony wasn't lost on me. Instead of having a baby (My first baby was due next Thursday) I'm trying desperately to get rid of one.

I'll say it again. This sucks.


P.S. Hate the new colors? I don't know what to think yet. The green was just too bright. I'm not feeling very bright (aka: cheery. I'm not feeling dumb, for the record.) I'm feeling very dark, actually. And all I do is bleed these days, so the blood red seemed appropriate. I'm moody. I might change it again in a few days. We'll see.


Kristen said...

I'm so sorry Trish. I hate how our bodies can't even hold babies and then they can't even get rid of them right. It is just so unfair and I am tired of it. There just aren't enough words to describe this heartache. I'm just so incredibly sorry.

RE: your friend, I'm sure she'll understand if you aren't throwing a parade in her honor. Under the circumstances, you are totally in the right to be pissed, unhappy, or whatever you need to be.

RE: the new colors, I think they are pretty fitting. I'm sorry to see you in "the dark side" but you can always change it later if you find it doesn't suit you anymore.

XOXO, Kristen

Amy said...

Oh gosh, Trish. I'm so sorry. I am PRAYING for your body to start cooperating! That so sucks.

And I like the new colors--fitting at this point.
I love you.

Chili said...

It does suck, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. I hope it is over soon.

Fertilize Me said...

Thinking of you and VERY glad that codeine is good for your sleeping! Take more drugs, get more sleep. I like the new colors! Hope you get some rest this weekend

Diana said...

When I saw the new blog look it reminded me of hell, then I read your post and I think the new look is very appropriate. You are going through hell and I wish there was something I could do for you.

T-girl said...

I really wish I could find the exact words to make you feel a little better!...
Fingers crossed so that the Cytotec does the trick.
A biiiig huuuuug girl!

niobe said...

It does suck. Completely and totally. And the blood-red text is oh-so-appropriate.