Monday, August 6, 2007

Insomniac ramblings

It's 5:30 in the morning. Apparently I just don't need to sleep anymore.
I've struggled with insomnia for years. After my 1st miscarriage, it was BAD. I was so anxious for so long that I couldn't sleep. That's not what I'd call "insomnia." I mean, I wasn't sleeping, so I'm sure it qualifies, but it really wasn't my normal kind of insomnia.

At that time, I went to my (now ex) PCP and asked for something to help me sleep. The woman I normally saw wasn't available, so I saw the new doctor in the office. Big mistake.

The nurse came in and asked why I was there and I told her I was having a miscarriage (hadn't even had the D&C yet, it was the same day that we had our 2nd u/s to confirm no heartbeat) and I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. The nurse.. well, all she said was "I'm sorry." but in such a way and with such a look that there was no question in my mind whatsoever that she'd had a miscarriage herself. She said the doctor would be in shortly and walked out. I looked at my husband and said, "Well, she's had a miscarriage." He just said "Yep." Even he got it. Such a look of intense pain. I wanted to get up and chase after her to hug her.

So in comes the doctor. She says she understands I'm having anxiety. I said yes, but that's understandable, the main problem is that I can't sleep. She tells me I have depression and she'll be right back and out she goes. I was left sort of gape mouthed, staring at my husband. The conversation had seriously been maybe 3 minutes and I suddenly have depression?

So she comes back in and in her hand she has a prescription for Zoloft and a quiz about depression she wants me to take. The questions were on a scale of "Occasionally" "Twice or more in the last two weeks" "Every day for the last 2 weeks." etc etc.

The questions were things like "You've cried." "You've felt sad." "You've felt hopeless."
Um. HI. They told me 2 days ago that my baby was dead and confirmed it TODAY. Yes, you crazy bitch, I've cried more than twice in the last 2 weeks.

I answered the quiz but looked up and said "I'm having a miscarriage, crying is normal." She just shook her head and tried to shove the Zoloft at me.

I started to lose my temper at that point. Even David looked pissed and it requires serious effort to upset him.

I have suffered an anxiety disorder in the past and was medicated for about a year and a half. I feel no stigma whatsoever about a depression or anxiety diagnosis. I wasn't in denial, I was GRIEVING. All of this I explained to her. Apparently this crazy bitch doesn't believe in grief, or perhaps any emotion at all.

I refused to take the script and she finally gave me a new one for Ativan with some HUGE dosage on it. Which, btw, the original prescription is still in the cabinet with maybe 2 pills out of it. If I took what she told me, I'd probably be found on the side of the road drooling. Anyway, she made me sign a form that I was "refusing treatment for depression." I guess in case I offed myself, she wouldn't be liable.

I never went back to that office again. I'm not thrilled with my current PCP but anything is better than THAT. I have bad PCP mojo, btw. I can pick hoo-ha doctors with my eyes closed and have great luck. I've had 5 doctors over the last dozen years that I adored. But PCPs? Not so much. I liked the nurse practioner at the old office, but that's as close as I've come to not-completely-bat-shit in many years.

I digress.

This time, however, I don't feel anxious. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel pain. I don't feel anxious. But I'm still not freaking sleeping.

I haven't been to bed before dawn in almost a week. I'm half convinced I'm working on a 36 hour schedule at some times, but even when I finally do get to sleep, I don't stay that way very long. Go to bed at 7:30 and up at noon or 1? That's not great.

Tonight I exercised a little. (Just on the exercise ball. My goal was actually to try to get this freakin' sac to pass.. STILL NO LUCK.) I was hoping that would also maybe wear me out. I haven't been doing ANYTHING, so maybe it's lack of movement. Yeah. And it's now going on 6am and I'm still up.

I should just take the damned Ativan. If nothing else, it would probably make me sleepy. But I'm really not a pill popper at all. I always end up with some strange side effect so I'm leery of most stuff. (Except fertility meds, which you know, I'll take any thing, any time, any place, on anyone's recommendation.)

The side effect of not sleeping, though, is more sadness. I tend to get weepy when I don't sleep. Add my crazy hormones, and the obvious reasons to be weepy and I'm just a mess.

It also makes me short tempered which isn't good. I find myself angry with a lot of people. Mostly anyone who has never had a miscarriage. Totally rational. I know. I have been spending a lot of time lurking on a miscarriage board because I just want to be surrounded by people who get it. Not people who are sorry. But people who really get it.

And that's shitty, I know it is. Everyone has been really great. Cards of sympathy, chocolate, etc in the mail. Even the friend who really, really let me down after the first miscarriage has come through this time, just coming and sitting with me a while one day.

But I still feel so disparate from anyone who hasn't been through it. I find myself wanting to scream YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE! FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW MY PAIN!

Which is dumb, cause Lord knows we all have our own pain. I don't know the pain of losing a spouse, or being beaten by one or losing a limb or any of 1000 other horrible things. Plenty of people have experienced far worse pain than me. But I feel SO self-involved currently. Like I'm in my cave and I don't want to come out. I don't want to see everyone else's problems because I'm just so all fucking consumed with my own.

And I'm not that kind of person. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm all about the empathy. But I just don't have it in me. And this expectation (by myself, not from ANYONE else) that I should makes me angry. And it's all me. Everyone has said to me that I deserve some time to be selfish. But selfish isn't my nature, yet here I am. Chalk another side effect up to all this infertility/miscarriage bullshit. I'm a selfish, angry, weepy moron.

Speaking of my cave, I'm struggling with when to go back to work. I feel guilty being at home. For probably 22 hours a day, I'm physically fine. But there's this 2 period each day where I want to fall over and die.

I STILL haven't passed this damned sac. I would really rather not do this at work. I COULD.. but I don't know how much pain I'm going to be in, or how messy it's going to be.

Plus there's the whole complication if I DON'T pass it. I see the doctor again on Thursday and have yet another dildo cam view of my uterus. If it's not gone, I've either going to have to have a D&C or go with Cytotec to try to move things along.
So that means arranging for time off for the appointment on Thursday, plus if I haven't passed it by then, more time off for whatever happens from there.

I'm also going freaking stir crazy in the house. And again, I feel GUILTY being at home when I COULD be at work.

But with our fucked up attendance policy at work, it's far more complicated to go back to work and then go out again that it is to remain off work.

The tone the disability lady took with me didn't help. It was only a hint of disapproval, but I didn't take it well. Probably because of my own sense of guilt. I've now been off work for 10 days. Granted, from Wednesday to last Tuesday wasn't "miscarriage" related. It was pregnancy with spotting related. Then Tuesday with the U/S confirmation that indeed I was losing the baby, it transformed into miscarriage related. So I've actually been off for 3 days for the miscarriage. Which doesn't sound SO bad. But I'm totally justifying here.

I don't know. I just feel weird. I have no doubt that my time off will be covered by FMLA, which means no trouble at work. But having it covered by disability is a different matter. And that determines if I'll be getting pay from this past Wednesday on or not. We're lucky that David is working again so we'd be okay financially, but it is something to think about, you know?

Anyway, I'm babbling. Which, btw, is another symptom of my ongoing insomnia. Be glad you aren't here with me. You'd be passed out on in the chair and I'd still be rattling on. I talk a lot under normal circumstances. This is just insane.

So. I think I'm now going to go lay in bed for a while and see what happens. If I'm still awake when David gets up for work in 20 minutes, I'll pick a movie on the TiVo and go from there.

Got any recommendations? I've been considering signing up for NetFlix. I've seen all movies playing on Showtime, HBO & Starz that I not only had any desire to see, but even thought I could stand to watch. MUCH time has been spent with the television the last 10 days. And I'm working on my 2nd book.

No work and no sleep leaves LOTS of time for mindless entertainment.




Inconceivable said...

Trish, woah, I hope you get some rest very soon.

Diana said...

I have not been in your shoes but I hope you will accept my words of I am so very sorry. What you are going through is tragic and awful and horribly unfair. Take all the time off from work you need. Don't give that another thought. Keep blogging if it helps, you can ramble on all you want and I will keep reading.

As for Netflix, I have it and I love it. Get it now. Make your first request a TV show series you have always wanted to see. It's amazing how caught up in watching a tv series can be. Especially with no commercials and going straight to the next episode.

I hope you get some sleep soon. Hugs to you.

ultimatejourney said...

Oh, Trish, I hope things progress so you can move forward.

Jenna said...

I'm so sorry. I imagine you are feeling this way all of the time recently. God, that brings back memories for me too.

I'm glad your poured yourself into your blog. I think at least of the level of trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy this count as perfectly rational behavior and not at all rambling.

Please know I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are able to work this whole thing out. You've been through a lot, but I can see from your history that you will keep plugging away until you find that baby to join your family.

T-girl said...

I believe it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, healing is not an easy and fast process... It takes time, so take your time to grieve and let your emmotions out, it will help!
It doesn't matter what you write about or if you don't write at all, just now that we are here! ;)

Changing Expectations said...

Trish, I hope that you are able to get some sleep soon.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sucks and is completely unfair.

I loved - "The Devil Wears Prada" - good movie with no family issues. Also, I like the tv show Prison Break. You could probably rent the whole season.

Marz said...

Yikes, I sure hope you get some sleep soon.
Sorry that this isn't helping with the sleep thing.

Caro said...

oh hon.

huge hugs.

Caro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KarenO said...

Oh Trish, I'm so terribly sorry about everything you're going through. I remember how it felt when I had my miscarriage, but each person's pain is his own - just take care of yourself, and try not to feel too guilty about being away from work.
Thinking about you a lot!

Amy said...

Love, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you at least got some sleep last night.
Though obviously I haven't experienced what you have, I do know the feeling that "No one GETS it except people who have been through it."
Love and prayers,