Well, it's here.
My due date for baby #1. The one I've decided was a boy. The one I call Gabriel, my gift to God.
This is the day I've dreaded for 32 weeks. Dreaded since we found out he'd died.
I've been thinking about what to feel all week, what I'd write. I knew I'd need to write something because writing is usually the best way I can deal with pain. And God knows I feel pain today.
I never did really decide how I'd feel or what I'd say. I only slept about an hour, but as the sun started to come up, I decided I feel sad. As the day goes on, I just feel more sad.
The trip to the hospital for the D&C really didn't help. The hospital we were at is the largest in the state of Missouri. It's impressive in size and honestly, as hospitals go, quite pretty.
As we approached it I had a brief flash of what it would have been like if we'd have been on our way to deliver a live baby instead of a dead one. For just a moment I felt this flash of excitement and nervousness. I could see me with a pillow from home and my bag that would have been packed & repacked for weeks anticipating the day. I could imagine the shy smile on my husband's face knowing we were about to do something momentous.
It was really just a brief flash and then reality crashed back down. I realized there were no suitcases with coming home outfits, or excited phone calls to make. Instead, I was going to have the remains of baby #2 scraped from my womb. What a cosmic joke.
I think of how many times I prayed that I'd just be pregnant by my first due date. How I didn't want to face my due date without another baby in me, without at least that glimmer of hope of motherhood to console me. And yet, here I am. My first officially unpregnant day since baby #2.
I spent my sleepless night looking for some way to remember both my babies. I toyed with the idea of a tattoo. I'm relatively anti-tattoo for myself because of the permanence. But my babies will always be a part of me, so it seems as good a reason as exists.
I never could decide what I'd do. I thought about a flower with two petals falling to the ground. Though sick as this is, I couldn't help but have to think that it would need to be expandable. If we lose more babies, more petals could be added. And if we ever manage to make a live one, perhaps a petal added to the growing flower. But that seemed complicated and then, where would I put it? I'm a fat girl and there's nothing crappier than a stretched out tattoo.
So, I went back to jewelry. I'm not really big on jewelry. I always manage to break or lose it. But I found this site. Particularly this piece. I would do my two should-have-been-birth stones- aquamarine & peridot.
I think the forget-me-not is a lovely touch. Even if I didn't wear it regularly, just having it seems important to me. The artist also suffered 2 losses herself, and I like knowing that someone who truly does know what it means to lose a baby will make it.
It comes with this note:
Forget me not
My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget
Having come up with SOMETHING, I feel a small sense of relief. Of course, the sadness is still here. The house seems very quiet today. Instead of being filled with last minute baby things & probably visiting relatives wanting to be here for the birth, I'm home alone. Still bleeding from loss #2.
There isn't much more that can be said to that.
So I'll leave with these thoughts.
To my first never-born,
You will always be loved.
I hope to one day be able to hold you and tell you that.
Until then, please look after your sibling in heaven.
The only baby picture I may ever have.