Thursday, August 16, 2007

RIP my first angel

Well, it's here.

My due date for baby #1. The one I've decided was a boy. The one I call Gabriel, my gift to God.
This is the day I've dreaded for 32 weeks. Dreaded since we found out he'd died.

I've been thinking about what to feel all week, what I'd write. I knew I'd need to write something because writing is usually the best way I can deal with pain. And God knows I feel pain today.

I never did really decide how I'd feel or what I'd say. I only slept about an hour, but as the sun started to come up, I decided I feel sad. As the day goes on, I just feel more sad.

The trip to the hospital for the D&C really didn't help. The hospital we were at is the largest in the state of Missouri. It's impressive in size and honestly, as hospitals go, quite pretty.

As we approached it I had a brief flash of what it would have been like if we'd have been on our way to deliver a live baby instead of a dead one. For just a moment I felt this flash of excitement and nervousness. I could see me with a pillow from home and my bag that would have been packed & repacked for weeks anticipating the day. I could imagine the shy smile on my husband's face knowing we were about to do something momentous.

It was really just a brief flash and then reality crashed back down. I realized there were no suitcases with coming home outfits, or excited phone calls to make. Instead, I was going to have the remains of baby #2 scraped from my womb. What a cosmic joke.

I think of how many times I prayed that I'd just be pregnant by my first due date. How I didn't want to face my due date without another baby in me, without at least that glimmer of hope of motherhood to console me. And yet, here I am. My first officially unpregnant day since baby #2.

I spent my sleepless night looking for some way to remember both my babies. I toyed with the idea of a tattoo. I'm relatively anti-tattoo for myself because of the permanence. But my babies will always be a part of me, so it seems as good a reason as exists.

I never could decide what I'd do. I thought about a flower with two petals falling to the ground. Though sick as this is, I couldn't help but have to think that it would need to be expandable. If we lose more babies, more petals could be added. And if we ever manage to make a live one, perhaps a petal added to the growing flower. But that seemed complicated and then, where would I put it? I'm a fat girl and there's nothing crappier than a stretched out tattoo.

So, I went back to jewelry. I'm not really big on jewelry. I always manage to break or lose it. But I found this site. Particularly this piece. I would do my two should-have-been-birth stones- aquamarine & peridot.

I think the forget-me-not is a lovely touch. Even if I didn't wear it regularly, just having it seems important to me. The artist also suffered 2 losses herself, and I like knowing that someone who truly does know what it means to lose a baby will make it.

It comes with this note:

Forget me not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget

Having come up with SOMETHING, I feel a small sense of relief. Of course, the sadness is still here. The house seems very quiet today. Instead of being filled with last minute baby things & probably visiting relatives wanting to be here for the birth, I'm home alone. Still bleeding from loss #2.

There isn't much more that can be said to that.

So I'll leave with these thoughts.

To my first never-born,

You will always be loved.
I hope to one day be able to hold you and tell you that.
Until then, please look after your sibling in heaven.


Your mom

The only baby picture I may ever have.


Chili said...

I think that jewelery would be a beautiful way to honour the memory of your angels.

I hope you find some peace and comfort today.

I'm so sorry.

Diana said...

I'm so sad for you today. May you have some peace surround you. I think the necklace is beautiful and a wonderful way to carry the memory.

The Bugala's said...

I never should have read your post today! Nothing like adding a few more tears to the mix. Our thoughts are with you today and always!

Clare and Becca

Meghan said...

I think that necklace is a beautiful way to honor your babies. I am so sorry you had to spend today in a the hospital. You're in my thoughts!

Frank N. Beans said...

We are so sorry. We will continue to keep you in our thoughts.

Amy said...

Dearest Trish, this post brought a lot of tears to my eyes. I am so sorry, and the irony ... so heartbreaking and so poignant.

I do love the idea of the necklace. I think it will really help to have something tangible to memorialize your precious little ones.

niobe said...

When I looked at the website with the memorial jewelry, I had to swallow to keep from crying. It's a truly beautiful way to commemorate something so sad.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm so sorry for both your losses.

Catherine said...

The words "I'm sorry" seem to small to encompass the sorrow I feel for you. Please know you and your angels are in my thoughts

wanttobeamom said...

Wow. I'm crying with you. I think the necklace is a wonderful idea. I hope you can find some peace and some sleep! I can't imagine how horrible it was to get a D&C on the anniversary of loosing your first baby. I'm so sorry.

Sunny said...

Precious. I am so sad for you. My heart hurts. I hope you can spend time honoring your little angel. HUGS!

lub said...

I am so sorry for your losses. It is a tough "milestone" to get through and I truly hope you can get through it with some peace. I like the jewelry idea- I may just look into it for myself. RIP angel.

Kierstin said...

my thoughts are with you as always. i have no words to make it better, i wish i could. hugs to you!

Marz said...

Oh my Gosh,
I am so sorry. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
As already having a tattoo myself & always wanting another one, I think your idea of the tattoo is wonderful. Where would you put it? Well, if it were me I would put in above my left boob, right where your heart is, however, this would be only if you wanted to get a tattoo.
The jewelery piece you picked out is beautiful! I hope you get.'
(((HUGS))) & thinking of you in this difficult time.

Carrie said...

I came over to say thank you so much for your kind and supportive comment and I find that you are really suffering too.
I am so sorry for your losses and so so sorry that you are having to deal with all these emotions. As you are aware I am going through the same and, even though I wish there was something I could say, I am all too aware that there are no words that can possibly be of any comfort right now.
Instead I will let you know that I am thinking about you and I'll be back to check on you. Please feel free to visit me again (or e mail, from my profile, if you'd like to talk) and perhaps the knowledge that somone else is having to try to find away through this awful time may be of comfort (although how I wish it wasn't happening, for either of us) to both of us.
I am anti tattoo too but I'm also considering it. I feel I need a permanent physical link, a symbol of how this has scarred me. I'm not being too hasty, after my last loss I had my hair cut short on a whim. I spent the rest of the year with this awful reminder of what a dark place I was in.

tryingin2007 said...

I am speechless.

I am so sorry. I think of you often -- sincerely. the necklace is a lovely and poignant idea.

FattyPants said...

The necklace is a wonderful idea. I'm sorry for your losses and the heartache you are feeling today.

KarenO said...

That is a beautiful piece of jewelery. I'm so sorry about your loss, wish I could hug you for a long time!