U/S Anticipation

Well, it's Sunday night, 10:43 pm. My first ultrasound is less than 14 hours away.
I'm not panicked yet.

It almost got me earlier. About 6:00 I started thinking too much. We went to dinner and I found myself fidgeting nervously. I kept trying to get David to talk about something... anything.. but he just wasn't getting it. Finally I resorted to talking about a movie I watched this weekend (Find Me Guilty. Better than I expected.) just to distract myself from my own thoughts.

That's pretty much been my method of coping all weekend. I've played some games on the computer, watched several movies, and a bunch of Buffy episodes on DVD. If I fill my brain with useless crap, I can't obsess. Don't judge. Whatever works.

When my mind has been running away with me, I've been trying to reassure myself with a few things.

Instead of focusing on why this isn't going to work, I'm trying to think about why it is.


1. My symptoms (mostly sore breasts) do wax & wane. They did the same thing in my first two pregnancies, so I've associated that with miscarriage. The truth of the matter is that I've never experienced a successful pregnancy, so for all I know, this is normal.

2. The psychic told me she saw me holding a baby, and three pregnancies. Intrepret or ignore as you wish.

3. My beta was double what it's ever been before.

4. This was our miracle. Four million sperm? Next stop IVF. I'm that person that every infertile despises because every fertile in the world says "I know a girl who only had 4 million sperm and BOOM! she got pregnant. Her baby is ______ year old now."

5. This is a weird story. It probably sounds insane. But here it is anyway. On December 22nd, David's friends had a Christmas party. One of his sets of friend brought their 2 1/2 year old. They did not, however, bring any toys for her. They pretty much came in the door and disappeared. I couldn't see the kid hurt herself, so I spent most of the evening trying to alternately entertain her and keep her from injuring herself.
One such method of entertainment was to draw. First she wanted to draw, then she wanted me to draw. She asked for a princess. I drew a Princess. She asked for a Snowman, I drew a snowman.
The next thing she said was "Draw Lorelei." I froze. For anyone who doesn't know, Lorelei is the baby girl name we have wanted to use for quite some time now. Her mom had come up and sat next to me to see what I was doing so I glanced at her "Who is Lorelei?" She looked at me and said she didn't know. She asked her daughter "Who is Lorelei?" She said "Draw her. Draw Lorelei." I actually started to shake. I even thought to myself "Do you know something I don't know, kid?" (Keeping in mind this was 3 days before we found out I was pregnant.) I sort of half-heartedly said "well, we hope to have a little girl named Lorelei someday, but that's the only Lorelei I know." and then started to draw a baby. Of course, the little girl was completely uninterested and wandered off. Her mother looked uncomfortable (she knows about our 2 miscarriages but has never commented on them in any way.) and go up and walked off. Telling? I don't know. But it really stuck with me.

6. Please. Please. Please.


That's pretty much it. I guess tomorrow we'll have a better idea.

My first two pregnancies we had a heart beat at this stage, but measuring small. Tomorrow, I will consider success a heart beat and a sac & embryo measuring appropriately for gestational size.

Wish me luck.


--Trish