Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Not my proudest moment

There has been no more blood.

I just wanted to get that out there before I go on with my real post.

I spent Saturday pretty much in bed. My back hurt from laying around and doing nothing.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling like a human being. My boobs barely hurt. From 15dpo until Saturday night, my boobs hurt BADLY. I mean really, really badly. One day when I took my bra off I literally almost cried. And then they didn't. This, of course, caused me to the freak out. No bloaty feeling in my belly, no breast pain, and spotting on the TP the day before lead to a very cavey Trish.

Early in the day, the husband asked how I was feeling and my reply was "not very pregnant." Little did I know that would cause the issues it did.

Because my back hurt so bad from doing nothing on Saturday and because I'd decided that my pregnancy was over, I decided to do some small things around the house. I started some laundry, but only carried a few items at a time so as not to lift anything heavy. I took the ornaments off the tree. Not much, but enough to get me moving at least a little.

David tried to put some blankets in the washing machine and one point and I snapped at him that I was doing laundry and would take care of it. I was defensive because I'd been a lump all weekend and felt like it was for naught.

Later in the evening, a friend sent me a nice message telling me she was thinking of me and David caught me with tears (of joy) in my eyes. When he looked at me funny, I explained that someone just said something nice and it made me cry.

He replied "Yeah, I bet. That must be great." When I asked what he was talking about, he said that it sure would be nice to hear something nice every once in a while.

I looked at him a little funny because I'd said lots of nice things to him throughout the day (thanking him for cleaning, telling him the house looked nice etc.) and I said "What?"

He said that when he asked me how I felt that I'd snapped and told him "not very pregnant." He went on to (again) tell me how all I do is bitch. That all I've ever wanted to be is pregnant and now I am but I can't just be happy.

Man, did that hit a nerve. Guilty as charged. At first I rolled my eyes, he just doesn't get it and how can I explain that I'm scared for the millionth time for the person that I REALLY feel like should get it?

But he kept going.

I started crying.

I started begging him to stop.

He kept going.

I started screaming. I don't mean yelling. I mean screaming. I don't think I've ever actually screamed before. I mean, not w/o the conscious thought of "I'm going to scream now... ahhhhhhhhhh." I mean, really screaming. Think lifetime movie, bad acting, screaming. And I couldn't stop. I kept thinking I should stop, but I couldn't. Every time I'd stop screaming, he'd start again, and the screaming would start again. I wasn't in control.

Now, those of you who know me, know that I don't really "do" out of control. I may be an emotional girl, but I'm typically in control of what I'm doing, even if I'm not making the best decisions. This was not one of those times. No control.

And still, he wouldn't stop. I honestly don't even know what he was saying at that point. It was just his voice. When I finally stopped screaming and dissolved into sobs, I started begging him to leave me alone. The only thing I can remember him saying is "No."

So I got up and got my keys and tried to leave. No shoes. No bra. Crying hysterically. Yeah, that's my white trash heritage showing through. He came to the car and told me I wasn't leaving. I was in no condition to drive. (True enough.)

Since I'd finally gotten him out of the bedroom, I ran back to the bedroom and locked the door behind me. Do you have the full vision of a COPS episode yet? It was pretty much like that except there was no violence or cheap beer.

After I laid in the bedroom sobbing for probably 45 minutes (again, I couldn't make it stop.) I opened the bedroom door and found him standing there.

The first words out of my mouth were "I don't want to do this anymore. When we lose this baby, I'm done. No more trying. I give up."

He shook his head and said that I didn't mean that. I told him that I did. He argued that I didn't.

I told him that I can't take it. That I seriously think I'm losing my mind. I can't take it. He doesn't understand what it's like. That I know I'm a miserable bitch to live with. I know I have nothing nice to say. I know. I'm sick of myself, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I have every right to be scared, but I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being afraid to take an ibuprofen even when I'm not pregnant because what if it's still in my system when we get pregnant. Scared to drink a Pepsi, or eat cold cuts or take a warm bath. I'm tired of being in physical and mental pain. I'm tired of pills & poking & doctors. I'm tired of planning our whole life around maybes and what-ifs.

I can't take it anymore.

He said we can take a break. That if we do lose this baby- and he's not convinced- we'll take a break. We do need a break. But he isn't giving up. I said that we can take a break and discuss it again, but I couldn't guarantee I'd ever be ready to try again.

I cried and cried and cried. He asked me what I needed and I told him that I needed him not to make me feel worse about being scared. He couldn't ever seem to agree to that. I told him that I needed reassurance that we'd be okay. I emailed him during the day on Friday after the sort-of-okay beta and told him that I needed a pep talk when I got home. It never came. All I wanted to hear was that we'd be okay no matter what, but even that seemed to be too much to ask.

That's when he started to cry. I'm not married to a crier. So, of course, when his voice broke and he said "Trish. If we never have kids, we'll be okay. We have each other. I have you. That's all I need." I cried even more.

He kept asking if I was going to be okay. I said I didn't know but I didn't have much choice. After nearly 2 hours of crying, I finally stopped. I think I ran out of tears. Plus my head hurt like a bitch.

He cooked dinner (a very late dinner by then) and we ate. He must have asked if I was okay about 15 more times. What can I say? I'm not. But life goes on anyway.

By late Sunday night I was much calmer. I think I was too exhausted to be anxious anymore. And most of today, I was mostly okay. I was sensitive. This wasn't a day I could hear "Everything will be okay." But I was fairly calm.

I called the doctor this morning and told them about the spotting. Basically I'm on pelvic rest until further notice. Good Nurse Crystal was very encouraging & sympathetic but said she wasn't TOO concerned about the spotting, but wanted me to take it easy anyway. I'm to go to work, come home and put my feet up and do nothing else.

Again, there's been no more blood. Trust that I've inspected the toilet paper thoroughly. My boobs hurt really bad again early this morning, then didn't again, then did again and currently really don't. So who knows?

I wish I was more convinced that things were fine, but I'm not really. I've had moments today when I've thought maybe everything was okay. But mostly I think I'm steeling myself for a bad u/s on Monday.

After that, I don't know what.

I share this none-to-flattering story with you not because I'm proud or because I'm defending my own actions, but because it's part of our journey. Whether we end up parents or not, and if so, how we get there, this is part of it. It's ugly and it sucks. It makes normally logical people insane. It sucks.



Sunny said...

You need one really big hug! You aren't the only one who has gone crazy on your husband. We all have done it. HUGS over and over!

Malloryn said...

Thank you for sharing, Trish. I'm glad I won't need to watch for your episode of 'Cops'. ;)

Truthfully, it's probably good that you both opened up like that. I wish I had the courage to discuss my feelings more openly with my husband, but I often don't. Sometimes I feel we're on such different wavelengths on our journey. We both want kids, but I don't know if he realizes how much I want them.

Your fight was ugly but infertility is a very ugly condition. It puts such a strain on our relationships (husband, family, friends, work) and that can really wear you down until you barely recognize yourself.

I hope that your u/s goes well, and that the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful. ::hugs::

Amy said...

Trish, I cried reading this. Again, I am so, so sorry for all the pain and frustration and roller-coaster ride of this journey. It's so understandable that the emotions would build up to the bursting point. HUGE hugs for you, and I am continually praying for you guys.

ZsaZsa JadieCat said...

(((BIG))) (((HUGS)))

It's sounds like you've got a good husband on your hands. Take care of each other. All three of you remain in my prayers.

I bet five or ten years ago you would have laughed if someone told you that someday you would be wishing for and enjoying painful boobs. :)

Fertilize Me said...

Hugs to you both- sounds like after all - you made the communication to agree that you will be ok! Even if it takes a while, you will be OK! Sending you hugs

Wander said...

Trish, I've never wanted to hug you more than I just did reading that.

Diana said...

Ugh, what a weekend. I am so very sorry for both of you.

LJ said...

What a terribly emotional weekend, I am so sorry. big hugs to both of you.

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry it's so hard xx

Ariella said...

You both sound like you took a beating this weekend. I am sending you a big hug and thoughts that the spotting is 'normal' and this pg sticks.

You are always so kind in your responces to my posts and for that I also wanted to say "thank you"

Anonymous said...

I wish you all the best. No one knows if it will all be okay, so I understand not wanting to hear that. You sound like you have a great husband who supports you, but remember that even though he isn't physically going through this, he is still going through this. I hope you don't forget that his feelis are valid also.

I say this non judgementally, I am not you so I certainly am not even trying to judge you and your emotions. You are brave, corageous and you persevere. and I think that is going to be a fabuous trait you will pass on to any and all future children!

Anonymous said...

I know how crazy-making this all is. I'm surprised more people don't crack under the strain.

Kierstin said...

infertility is a hard journey. And I know everyone has moments during it when they think they are losing it. you are a couragous, brave, and strong woman. You are someone I admire and look up to. I continue to pray for you all and that you find strength to help you carry on.

My Dh and I were on different levels during our struggles. I felt like he never got how much it hurt but he was always there for me as Dave is for you. We have wonderful husbands that we are blessed to have.

Please know that I am there for you if you need anything. And I wish I could just give you a big hug right now!

Meghan said...

What a weekend. I hate when all these nasty emotions come tumbling out. I'm glad you guys managed to work your way through it.

Sending you hugs and lots of good thoughts for your scan

Marz said...

All I could think about was David saying that to you. Awwww!
you got a real sweet man there.

I'm glad spotting is gone.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but I had minor spotting when pg with Nate & then I had what started with spotting for a week & then full blown gush of blood on the last day. I was almost 6w pg with Emma at that time. I thought that was it for sure. I put a pad on & went to bed. I didn't even get upset about it because up till then I didn't really have high hopes either. My doc has told me to expect a m/c due to my septum so I was prepared. When I woke up in the morning only to find no more blood, except what was on my pad I was a bit dumbfounded. Since this was saturday morning by now I waited till monday to call the doc. They told me not to worry about it since there was no more spotting/blood. So I'm hoping that yours is just the same, mild spotting, maybe irritated by intercourse, maybe just for no reason. I have a good feeling about this pregnancy for you, because of the progesterone.
How many weeks along are you now?

Milo said...

I've fought like that with my husband before. It sucks, but usually we come out of it stronger together. I hope you and Dave were able to get out some of your frustrations that day and see each other's point of view.


I know this has been so difficult for you, and I continue to hope for the best and for this pregnancy to continue on and give you two a beautiful little one.

Love you Trish!!

Yodasmistress said...

I know how embarrassing it can feel to reread these kinds of posts about yourself later on. Take comfort though in the fact that at least one other person has indulged in such behavior because I have. ((BIG HUGS))

I hope this one sticks!

Barb B said...

Trish, I am a former classmate of Colleen's. She asked me to keep you in my prayers, and that you are.

I had struggles getting pregnant, but not like yours. So I can't say I completely understand how you are feeling, but a couple of close friends of mine had difficulty similar to yours.

First of all, you are not alone in this journey even though it feels like it. I mean, seriously, read all the postings on your blog. You have many, many supporters and well-wishers.

Secondly, fear is the strongest emotion a human can go through. It affects the brain, heart, stomach, muscles, everything. But, through fear, we find our own inner strength as well as the strength of others around us. It is understandable to be afraid. But don't think for one second the fear of pregnancy ends after the first trimester because it doesn't. Fear will be with you always. From fear of doing everything right for the fetus to fear of actually giving birth. Once the baby is born, a different fear takes over. Fear of being a good mom to fear of something happening to your child. But, again, you will have tremendous amount of supporters throughout your journey.

Lastly, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about your episode with your husband. Emotions are running high right now in your house, and outbursts are to be expected. Sounds like your love for each other is very strong and it will certainly withstand your current situation. Besides, I don't recall "not to argue" in the wedding vows.

Good luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers and will check your blog periodically to see how things are going. God bless you, my dear.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being honest and real on your blog. Sometimes I wish I had more courage to share.

I just want to you know, whether other people you know in real life admit these types of arguments or not, they are a real part of being married.

No matter how much I fight with the hubby, we would walk through fire for the sake of each other. Thank god for a good foundation in a marriage, because it needs this to survive these storms.

Your marriage is strong enough to handle these episodes. We are all flawed, and we all do the best we can. You are awesome.

Good luck!

Colleen said...

I have very wise and wonderful classmates!