Monday, January 21, 2008

Disconnected

I keep wondering when the sadness is going to go away.

The first time I was pregnant, that burning jealousy of every pregnant woman on earth went away almost immediately. A couple of people I know found out they were pregnant right after I did and I was genuinely thrilled for them. It caught me by surprise. After having dealt with TTC & ART by that point, I was definitely at the stage of jealousy, if not complete & utter bitterness at every freakin' pregnancy announcement. But then I got pregnant and I could be happy for them w/o the added dose of "Why not me!?"

My 2nd pregnancy was odd, because it started off so poorly. We were fairly certain almost from the beginning that things weren't going well. I also didn't happen to hear any pregnancy announcements close to mine, so it didn't come up.

This time, I still feel so sad. It's as though I'm not pregnant at all. I don't know if it's related to my pessimism about the chances for this ending in a baby, denial, habit, depression or what. I just know that I'm sad.

I had dinner with some friends the other night. A group of infertile soldiers if you will. There were four of us- three PCOS girls & me. One is now a mother of 2, the other two are significantly pregnant. Of course, the main topic of the night was babies & pregnancies. They all talked about my baby as though it's a given that there will be one. Not because they're not aware of my history or the risks or my fears. They're just hopeful for me. And I felt... strange. I won't say that I was sad in that moment (I enjoyed my time with the girls too much) but I would say that I felt disconnected from it. And later- on my drive home- the sadness set in again.

Tonight, I was browsing through message board topics and was reading one about breast pumps. It made me sad. Basically I found myself wondering if I would ever wonder about such things.

I had to remind myself that I am, indeed, pregnant. But even that reminder isn't joyful for me. It isn't "OH YEAH! HEY! I'm pregnant!" It's "oh yeah. I'm pregnant. Gee, I wonder if I'll ever wonder about these things myself."

It's not that I'm feeling hopeless tonight. I'm not really. Not any more hopeless than normal, anyway. (Whatever THAT means.) It's just.. I don't know. It doesn't feel real, I guess.

I suppose it could just be that pregnancy doesn't equal a baby for me. That seems reasonable enough. But it feels so odd to feel exactly the same way I felt before I was pregnant. It's not that I read or hear things about pregnancy and think "Gee, I hope I don't miscarry again." I just feel the same way I did before we ever conceived. I wonder if I'll ever have a baby. And it seems so odd to be three pregnancies later, one on-going, and feel......infertile.

I suppose I feel a little bit like an infertile fraud. I've gotten pregnant three times in barely more than a year. I'm an infertile failure. (And grateful to be so!)

I would definie my infertile feelings as wondering if I'd ever get pregnant. Now I have. Three times.

I realize we still meet the medical definition. Getting pregnant hasn't changed my husband's sperm count or my crappy eggs. And it's not as though we got pregnant at home. We had lots of help. But the pills, shots, scans & IUIs have become so regular that it almost feels normal now. I don't resent them anymore. (Well, I resent some of the side effects of the pills, but that's not exactly the same thing.)

I'm not mourning my inability to get pregnant from sex anymore. I don't fear that I'll never get pregnant. I don't even fear that I'll never get pregnant again. Not that it couldn't happen. I'm aware of secondary infertility. But it's not foremost on my mind. So I shouldn't feel infertile anymore, right?

But I do. I suppose this is why RPL is a classification of infertility. In the end, we're all worried about the same thing. Will I ever have a baby? And here I am. But it's strange. I'm pregnant, and still wondering just that.

It's "just" sadness, though. Not jealousy. When I hear other people making plans about their own babies, and even mine, I don't feel jealous. Just sad. I guess I'm the queen of self pity.

What a mess I am. I feel like a whiny fool. There are so many people out there who would do anything to simply be pregnant. People who would dance with joy & not linger on past injustices. And here I am. Given this incredible blessing, and I'm STILL fucking feeling sorry for myself.

I'm really sick of me.

--Trish

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just want you to know that whatever outcome, I am pulling for you.

After disappointment, how are you supposed to feel anyway? It's not like you've had a different experience with pregnancy and you jujst feel like being negative. You're completely justified in how you're feeling right now. I just hope you're able to get past it for the time being and just relax while you wait for doctor's visits.

I feel like this is third times the charm, I hope so.

Meghan said...

I don't have a history of loss, but I could have written a very similar post. We saw friends the other day and they were talking about what our September would be like when the baby comes. At one point I almost asked, who was pregnant...because it certainly didn't feel like me.

Hoping you get past this milestone week and are able to put some of this behind you.

The Bugala's said...

You know whatever the outcome, we will be there for you. You have so many people rooting for you (and a couple babes as well) There is no book out there that tells you HOW you are suppose to be feeling right now and how to deal with the fear, disappointment,sadness, etc. We hope that you can find the joy of being pregnant and feel pregnant. Clare would love another friend. :) (and we can't wait to meet little Harry :) ) *HUGS*

Joannah said...

I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable considering what you've already gone through. I hope that you will get to the point where you are living in the moment and enjoying what you have just now. I wish you peace of mind and an ongoing healthy pregnancy.

Blessings!

wanttobeamom said...

Don't beat yourself up too much. You have been infertile for a while now. It has become part of your identity and so have the feelings that go along with being infertile. Those feelings don't just disappear overnight. It take a while to adjust your identity. For example, I've been married for 2 years and everyonce in a while I find myself feeling like a single "old maid" again, because I forget (for a split second) I am married. This is in no way a reflection on the state of my marriage. I have the greatest husband in the world who I adore. But, before I met him I was single for a long time and didn't think that I would ever get married. I identified (and still do sometimes) with "old maids." You identify with infertiles. Give yourself a break.

Amy said...

I think your feelings are totally understandable, too, especially while you're still in your first tri. Yes, this pregnancy is looking better than the first two so far ... but I can imagine it would be hard to let yourself really embrace it until you're at a stage where the odds of losing it drop way down. ((((HUGS)))) I hope that is soon!

(And btw what is ART?)

Kierstin said...

You have every right to feel the way you do. It is hard to get past all the IF stuff when you get pg. It is part of you, it has become so much of your life, sometimes not to get past at all. Even pg I have fears, will I ever hold my babies etc. The what ifs always play through my mind. I will not feel better until they are here and I can hold them. But my whole pg is filled with fear, even more so with this one.

I hope there will come a time when you can enjoy this pg. And I hope the time goes by fast until your next dr appt.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the others. After what you've been through, why would pg at this stage equal a baby on the way? Your feelings are perfectly natural, especially given your history. I am keeping you in my prayers that you get to enjoy this pregnancy, and that this one helps change your perspectives. I'm certainly rooting for you all (all three).

-Katiedid1806 (nestie)

Freyja said...

Go a bit easy on yourself. You're words are very like those of other RPL ladies. You need some time to feel like this is going to work out before you can get "all in". That's OK!!!

Anonymous said...

What you are feeling sounds completely normal. Your pregnancy doesn't feel real yet, but it will. It's okay if you don't have the nursery decorated yet. You will have time for that once everything sinks in.

I'm not pregnant yet, but if I ever get a BFP it won't be a triumphant moment for me, either. I don't think I'll be happy until I wake up one morning and realize that I'm in the 2nd trimester.

Anonymous said...

And BTW, I love your description as an "infertile fraud." That would make a good blog name.

Colleen said...

I know how you feel...
and I love you so much!

casicola said...

Like my best friend always tells me, " you do give yorself enough credit". Its a tough thing going through what you have. In a few weeks when your out of the hot zone, Ill doubt youll feel this way. Im sure this s just s safe zone for you. We all do it...so smile and I hope you get amazing new this morning. Its been a long five days.

tryingin2007 said...

I'm sorry that you feel so shitty. please don't be so hard on yourself. I think what you are feeling is hardcore fear. I am feeling very similar to you. it (pregnancy) doesn't seel real at all and that terrifies me. IF really takes its toll on us and I think it takes some time to recover and to enjoy our bfps.

you are pregnant right now. let that be the last thought you have before you fall asleep tonight.

casicola said...

Hey Trish,

I never introed myself...I found your blog through my best friend who reads IFers blogs to help me with mine...i know, shes amazing right? Anyway, the week is half over...so only a few more days...In time you will smile again...How are ya feeling?

Darreth Renelle said...

Trish, although I do not have the same fertility issues you do (I wouldn't presume to know what that feels like) I know what it's like to lose 2 babies and wonder about this next one. There are a lot of pregnancies announcements coming out right now and I told my husband "Everyone is pregnant but me!" He just looked at me and said "But you are pregnant..." I mean, I knew I was pregnant, but why did I feel like everyone was except me. I still wonder about this feeling... I'm so pulling for you and I pray that this is it- this is the one for you and me both. Hey, after we have our miracle babies, let's get together in STL sometime. :-)

Nichole said...

Hugs Sweetie...that's is all I can say. I am so sorry you are having a tough time right now. Hugs Hugs Hugs