Sunday, February 17, 2008

A day in the life of my brain

Wake up.

Stretch out, try to decide if I feel a firm spot in my belly.

Decide yes. Then move, realize that's my bladder.

Roll over, boob hurts. Adjust it from under me. Nod back off.

Wake up again.

Crawl out of bed, head straight to the bathroom.

Pull down panties, immediately check for red. Exhale. No red.

Pee.

Wipe.

See pink on the toilet paper and freak out.

Realize it's the shadow of my hand behind the white toilet paper, take a deep breath and shake my head at myself.

Wipe again, just to be sure.

Wash hands.

Look at nipples in the mirror trying to decide if they're darker or larger. Decide no, but my nipples look funny so it's okay.

Take a shower.

Notice my boobs don't hurt anymore and freak out.

Remind myself that I just took a warm steamy shower which always makes them hurt less.

Tell myself to stop obsessing. As if.

Get dressed for day, again noticing that as I put my bra on, my boobs don't hurt.

Repeat above mantra about the shower & tell myself to knock it the fuck off.

Stop for a moment and take a deep breath.

Tell myself that worrying accomplishes nothing, symptoms mean nothing. It's in God's hands and I need to stop.

Head to work.

Before doing any work at all, check all message boards. Be sure to open any posts about symptoms, spotting or dopplers.

If I click on the miscarriage board before I click on the success after loss board, freak out that it's a sign.

Remind myself it's at the top of my favorites, so it's what I tend to click first. Then remind myself that I'm stupid and clicking a website doesn't mean anything except that I really need to get to work.

Do a little work.

Phone rings, caller asks how I am today. "Fine, and you?" I reply. Really thinking well, I hope I'm fine, but I don't really know. Can you tell me if my baby is still alive?

More work.

Feel a twinge. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?

Realize it's gas. Oh.

Back hurts a bit. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?

Realize seat cushion is crooked and I haven't stood up for 4 straight hours. Adjust seat. Feel better.

Think about going pee. Do I need to pee? No, I want to check for blood.

Argue with myself. I do not need to check for blood. Well, then maybe I really need to pee. No you don't, you're making excuses. Yeah, but it's break time and if I don't go now, it'll be hours before I can go again.

Head to bathroom.

Choose stall under the brightest light so I can study the toilet paper.

Pull panties down, immediately check for blood. Nothing. Phew.

Pee, wipe, fine. Wait, what is that red spot? Look closer. It's a thread in the cheap toilet paper.

Wipe again to be sure. Take a deep breath. Phew.

Wash hands.

Squeeze boobs. Sore. Phew.

Return to work.

Check message boards again. Desperately look for posts about spotting from people close to delivery.

Coworker mentions children. Consider telling her I'm pregnant. Fuck no. Too scary.

Pants feel tight, ooh.. that's good, right?

Realize I'm constipated. Again. Oh.

Steadfastly refuse to try to go. Could cause bleeding. I'd rather be in pain.

Look around to see who's watching.

Slighly unbutton pants & pull shirt down over it.

Take the moment to squeeze my boobs.

Still sore. Phew.

Feel a twinge. Fuck, what's that? Time goes on, it's really cramps.
Drink water quickly, decide to take lunch.

Go to break room lounge & lay on left side.

Definitely crampy. Not gas. Remind myself that crampy is normal. There is no blood, it's just things growing.

Consider going to bathroom to check for blood again.

Decide laying down is a better option.

Nod off and wake up just in time to go back to desk at work.

Decide I have to check for blood. Head to bathroom. All clear.

Am late back to work.

Check message boards. Doesn't anyone have any magic answers that explain why this is happening and if it's going to be okay?

Remind myself there is no such thing.

Do some work.

Look around to see who is watching.

Squeeze boobs. Yep, sore. Phew.

End of day, back hurts. Just want to go home.

Come home, crawl immediately into bed, lay on left side.

Husband asks how I am, I answer fine, but really think "so far, no blood. But my back hurts which could be bad."

Immediately fall asleep and sleep for 2 hours. The best rest I get all night.

Wake up, decide I need to drink something.

Get up. Pee. Repeat the double wipe blood check trick.

Wash hands.

Check breasts again. A little sore and nipples look funny. Tell myself everything is fine.

Go find food & a large glass of milk.

Eat.

Watch TV.

Obsessively check message boards. Still no psychic answers online.

Consider bed.

Not really tired.

Shit, not tired. Shouldn't I be tired all the time? You took a 2 hour nap, dumb shit. Of course you feel fine right now.

Kitten crawls into lap and wants love.

Pet him and talk baby talk to him and wonder if he's the closest thing to a son I'll ever have.

Try to convince myself that would be okay. Feel sad. I'm not very convincing.

Tell myself to go to bed.

Take vitamins.

Pee.

Blood check.

P4 suppository.

Run to bed.

Pray.

Lay in bed and watch husband sleeping. Wishes he'd wake up and hold me.

Start to cry.

Pray again.

Roll over & fall asleep.



Repeat.



--Trish

18 comments:

Sunny said...

Bless your heart. I hope you can find some peace today. MAJOR HUGS!

Amy said...

(((HUGS))) I hope you can find peace soon, too! How exhausting!
But I'm glad to know you do wash your hands after peeing. ;)

cmlo575 said...

I feel like I am living my life on your blog. It sucks that we live this way. Keep your chin up.

tryingin2007 said...

never has the wc been such a scary place! I too check the toilet paper religiously (and experienced the "hand behind the toilet paper".) when can we finally relax and enjoy this?! WHEN?!!

Ariella said...

Trish, please don't take this the wrong way but this post made me laugh! It also made me think that in 6 months when this baby comes out healthy I can't wait to tell you "told you so". Please don't take that the wrong way either. Your baby is in our thoughts and prayers.((((HUGS))))

PS Next time wake up that hubby of yours and have him hold you. I know that always helps me when I am down.

zsazsaJadieCat said...

((HUGS))

How exhausting! I hope you don't get labeled a "boob squeezer" in your office. :)

Jenn said...

I felt like you were describing my days, mostly. You're not the only weird boob-squeezer/TP-analyzer out there.

I've officially decided that besides your blog and the STLBOTB board I have to stop reading internet boards...all they do is freak me out and make me sad. So for my sanity, I'm quitting. Not telling you to do the same, it's just what I need to do.

Take comfort in the fact that you're not the only one practicing the pregnancy check-up rituals.

((((hugs))))

Colleen said...

*wonders why I do all of that when I know I'm not pregnant*

Jenn said...

Aww Trish, hope you will find some comfort soon. Hopefully you'll be able to relax more soon. :-)

wanttobeamom said...

It's hard not to obsess when history has taught us not to trust... Purgatory just had a post about this very thing. Take heart, you're not alone! And, your baby IS healthy!

Darreth Renelle said...

Trish, I feel you on this. I feel like almost everything I just read is a lot of what goes in my mind... I used to think being pregnant would feel better than not being pg and just having 2 m/cs. Sometimes I think my mind is worse off being pg b/c of the tricks it plays and the worrying. I'm praying peace over both of us all the time... keep going- you're doing really good even if it doesn't feel like it.

Carrie said...

I know it is hard. Hang in there.

Thanks too for your comment supporting me.

Malloryn said...

::hugs:: I hope you can find some comfort soon. It is so unfair that you are going through this.

Lindsay Pierre said...

Your blog made me cry and laugh at the same time. I don't feel alone anymore. I'm 25 with a 6yr old son who has Autism. Once he accomplished some milestone independence we decided it was time for another baby. Im now on 2 miscarriages. 1st at 10wks, and most recently 6wks on Jan 10th. So I'm now on 5DPO, and paranoid, scared, anxious,and all the other emotions that come along with it.

I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for being kind enough to share your everyday trials and tribulations, so the other frequent toilet paper checkers and boob grabbers can seek some assurance and well deserved humor.

Lindsay Pierre

Katiedid1806 said...

I have never been where you are, am pg with our first, and still check the paper every time I am in the bathroom.

To say it's a normal reaction and feeling for you would be an understatement. Totally justified, and I'm sure not alone. You (and your baby) are in my prayers.

amanda said...

Living with that cloud constantly over your head -- never being able to stop and not be constantly aware of, constantly monitoring something. I know that feeling, for a totally different reason.

I'm looking forward to the day when you're holding your child in your arms. I wish I had some way to make it happen.

Tracy said...

How about warning people that they should have a box of Kleenex handy before reading this post? Whew.

((big hugs))

This is so touching and real.
It's amazing what we go through. I'm definitely a double TP checker. I usually tip it towards the light. Pink panties are nerve wracking.

My cramp issues: I worry they are the beginning of a miscarriage too. But when I don't have any, I worry the baby stopped growing.

It's all a vicious cycle.

Freyja said...

Oh honey your post made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. (((HUGS)))