Stretch out, try to decide if I feel a firm spot in my belly.
Decide yes. Then move, realize that's my bladder.
Roll over, boob hurts. Adjust it from under me. Nod back off.
Wake up again.
Crawl out of bed, head straight to the bathroom.
Pull down panties, immediately check for red. Exhale. No red.
See pink on the toilet paper and freak out.
Realize it's the shadow of my hand behind the white toilet paper, take a deep breath and shake my head at myself.
Wipe again, just to be sure.
Look at nipples in the mirror trying to decide if they're darker or larger. Decide no, but my nipples look funny so it's okay.
Take a shower.
Notice my boobs don't hurt anymore and freak out.
Remind myself that I just took a warm steamy shower which always makes them hurt less.
Tell myself to stop obsessing. As if.
Get dressed for day, again noticing that as I put my bra on, my boobs don't hurt.
Repeat above mantra about the shower & tell myself to knock it the fuck off.
Stop for a moment and take a deep breath.
Tell myself that worrying accomplishes nothing, symptoms mean nothing. It's in God's hands and I need to stop.
Head to work.
Before doing any work at all, check all message boards. Be sure to open any posts about symptoms, spotting or dopplers.
If I click on the miscarriage board before I click on the success after loss board, freak out that it's a sign.
Remind myself it's at the top of my favorites, so it's what I tend to click first. Then remind myself that I'm stupid and clicking a website doesn't mean anything except that I really need to get to work.
Do a little work.
Phone rings, caller asks how I am today. "Fine, and you?" I reply. Really thinking well, I hope I'm fine, but I don't really know. Can you tell me if my baby is still alive?
Feel a twinge. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?
Realize it's gas. Oh.
Back hurts a bit. Fuck, is that cramps? Is this it? Is it over?
Realize seat cushion is crooked and I haven't stood up for 4 straight hours. Adjust seat. Feel better.
Think about going pee. Do I need to pee? No, I want to check for blood.
Argue with myself. I do not need to check for blood. Well, then maybe I really need to pee. No you don't, you're making excuses. Yeah, but it's break time and if I don't go now, it'll be hours before I can go again.
Head to bathroom.
Choose stall under the brightest light so I can study the toilet paper.
Pull panties down, immediately check for blood. Nothing. Phew.
Pee, wipe, fine. Wait, what is that red spot? Look closer. It's a thread in the cheap toilet paper.
Wipe again to be sure. Take a deep breath. Phew.
Squeeze boobs. Sore. Phew.
Return to work.
Check message boards again. Desperately look for posts about spotting from people close to delivery.
Coworker mentions children. Consider telling her I'm pregnant. Fuck no. Too scary.
Pants feel tight, ooh.. that's good, right?
Realize I'm constipated. Again. Oh.
Steadfastly refuse to try to go. Could cause bleeding. I'd rather be in pain.
Look around to see who's watching.
Slighly unbutton pants & pull shirt down over it.
Take the moment to squeeze my boobs.
Still sore. Phew.
Feel a twinge. Fuck, what's that? Time goes on, it's really cramps.
Drink water quickly, decide to take lunch.
Go to break room lounge & lay on left side.
Definitely crampy. Not gas. Remind myself that crampy is normal. There is no blood, it's just things growing.
Consider going to bathroom to check for blood again.
Decide laying down is a better option.
Nod off and wake up just in time to go back to desk at work.
Decide I have to check for blood. Head to bathroom. All clear.
Am late back to work.
Check message boards. Doesn't anyone have any magic answers that explain why this is happening and if it's going to be okay?
Remind myself there is no such thing.
Do some work.
Look around to see who is watching.
Squeeze boobs. Yep, sore. Phew.
End of day, back hurts. Just want to go home.
Come home, crawl immediately into bed, lay on left side.
Husband asks how I am, I answer fine, but really think "so far, no blood. But my back hurts which could be bad."
Immediately fall asleep and sleep for 2 hours. The best rest I get all night.
Wake up, decide I need to drink something.
Get up. Pee. Repeat the double wipe blood check trick.
Check breasts again. A little sore and nipples look funny. Tell myself everything is fine.
Go find food & a large glass of milk.
Obsessively check message boards. Still no psychic answers online.
Not really tired.
Shit, not tired. Shouldn't I be tired all the time? You took a 2 hour nap, dumb shit. Of course you feel fine right now.
Kitten crawls into lap and wants love.
Pet him and talk baby talk to him and wonder if he's the closest thing to a son I'll ever have.
Try to convince myself that would be okay. Feel sad. I'm not very convincing.
Tell myself to go to bed.
Run to bed.
Lay in bed and watch husband sleeping. Wishes he'd wake up and hold me.
Start to cry.
Roll over & fall asleep.