My doctor's office never called me back. I'm thrilled. I know they'd just tell me to put my feet up, take it easy, drink lots of water, but it'd sure be nice if they actually acknowledged my call.
The bleeding seems to be stopped(ing.) It's down to a very small tinge of orangeish discharge.
Emotionally, I don't know that I can even explain how I feel. Tired, sad, scared, even a little angry. I just feel emotionally drained. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head & have someone pull me out when we have an answer. Preferably the answer being "Everything is fine."
When the spotting started today I posted on every board I'm a member of and then proceeded to check the messages obsessively. What was I looking for? Answers. Some mystic psychic all-knowing person to say "This is what will be." Stupid? Probably. Desperate? Absolutely.
My emotional baggage was added to this evening with an interaction with David.
I worked a day shift today (vs. the normal 2nd shift) and I had said that I would cook dinner tonight. When the bleeding happened, all I could think of all day was coming home and getting my feet up. Which is precisely what I did. Came home and crawled almost immediately into bed.
David came in to check on me a short time later and I asked what was for dinner. He seemed confused and said he thought I was cooking. I explained that I was going to but now I just wanted to keep my feet up.
He sighed and said "I guess I'll cook."
It hurt my feelings. Honestly, I wasn't asking him to cook. I was hoping for some takeout, maybe. Of course, my feelings were hurt so instead of explaining I just "don't worry about it. I can eat some cereal." Not in an angry way, but a little pouty.
Then I decided I was being silly and cleaned it up a bit and said that honestly, I would be fine.
Next thing I know, he's cooking.
I get out of bed and wander to the kitchen and see he's making the dinner I had planned on making. Now I feel like a burden.
I thanked him and told him that someday when we were rich, I'd buy him some women. I was trying to make a joke. He said "To cook and clean? Good." He sounded a little angry.
All I really wanted to do was cry. I didn't say anything.
The thing is, he has every right to feel over-burdened. He HAS been carrying the load. I have gone out of my way to recognize that, saying thank you, making sure to acknowledge that I do realize he's taken the brunt of the responsibilities while I'm pretty much a physical & emotional wreck. But that doesn't change the fact that he's probably exhausted, too.
Today, when I called to tell him I was bleeding again, he actually sounded worried. Mr. Optimism. I think this has all officially taken its toll on the most resilient man on earth.
It breaks my heart. And I don't feel like I should tell him that I feel that way because I'm afraid it'll make him feel like he can't show his vulnerability. I don't want him to fake being strong. But the fact that I can see how much this is all weighing on him really hurts me. I want to protect him. But I need him.
I don't know the answer. Keep trying to be grateful, I suppose. Do my best not to burden him any more than necessary. Keep praying.
Lots & lots of prayers.
Any help in that area would be appreciated.