Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Tired

My doctor's office never called me back. I'm thrilled. I know they'd just tell me to put my feet up, take it easy, drink lots of water, but it'd sure be nice if they actually acknowledged my call.

The bleeding seems to be stopped(ing.) It's down to a very small tinge of orangeish discharge.

Emotionally, I don't know that I can even explain how I feel. Tired, sad, scared, even a little angry. I just feel emotionally drained. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head & have someone pull me out when we have an answer. Preferably the answer being "Everything is fine."

When the spotting started today I posted on every board I'm a member of and then proceeded to check the messages obsessively. What was I looking for? Answers. Some mystic psychic all-knowing person to say "This is what will be." Stupid? Probably. Desperate? Absolutely.

My emotional baggage was added to this evening with an interaction with David.

I worked a day shift today (vs. the normal 2nd shift) and I had said that I would cook dinner tonight. When the bleeding happened, all I could think of all day was coming home and getting my feet up. Which is precisely what I did. Came home and crawled almost immediately into bed.

David came in to check on me a short time later and I asked what was for dinner. He seemed confused and said he thought I was cooking. I explained that I was going to but now I just wanted to keep my feet up.

He sighed and said "I guess I'll cook."

It hurt my feelings. Honestly, I wasn't asking him to cook. I was hoping for some takeout, maybe. Of course, my feelings were hurt so instead of explaining I just "don't worry about it. I can eat some cereal." Not in an angry way, but a little pouty.

Then I decided I was being silly and cleaned it up a bit and said that honestly, I would be fine.

Next thing I know, he's cooking.

I get out of bed and wander to the kitchen and see he's making the dinner I had planned on making. Now I feel like a burden.

I thanked him and told him that someday when we were rich, I'd buy him some women. I was trying to make a joke. He said "To cook and clean? Good." He sounded a little angry.

All I really wanted to do was cry. I didn't say anything.

The thing is, he has every right to feel over-burdened. He HAS been carrying the load. I have gone out of my way to recognize that, saying thank you, making sure to acknowledge that I do realize he's taken the brunt of the responsibilities while I'm pretty much a physical & emotional wreck. But that doesn't change the fact that he's probably exhausted, too.

Today, when I called to tell him I was bleeding again, he actually sounded worried. Mr. Optimism. I think this has all officially taken its toll on the most resilient man on earth.

It breaks my heart. And I don't feel like I should tell him that I feel that way because I'm afraid it'll make him feel like he can't show his vulnerability. I don't want him to fake being strong. But the fact that I can see how much this is all weighing on him really hurts me. I want to protect him. But I need him.

I don't know the answer. Keep trying to be grateful, I suppose. Do my best not to burden him any more than necessary. Keep praying.

Lots & lots of prayers.

Any help in that area would be appreciated.

--Trish

10 comments:

Amy said...

(((HUGS)))
And, yes, lots and lots of prayers.

I think one thing that *might* help with David is to make sure to look at it as "us versus infertility/RPL/pregnancy scares, etc." rather than you versus each other. Subtle shift in thinking, maybe. But DH and I have been through very similar things in dealing with my MS and stuff, and I think the key is to remember that neither of you is intentionally burdening the other, and try not to take it personally. So you can both share your stresses with each other without hurting each other and stressing each other out. And make sure he has people to lean on, too; that should help. When you're both this stressed out, you need each other but you also need other people. (Which I know you know, but guys aren't always as good at connecting/seeking support when they need it.) (((HUGS)))

wanttobeamom said...

My hubby feels over-burdened too. I try to counter it by doing little things (for example, he even really appreciates that I just wiped down the kitchen counter). I'm too scared to do things like vaccuum (I did that the day before I m/c'd the first time). I've been having some weird cramping so I try not to stay on my feet too long. I'm trying to listen to him to figure out what things send him over the edge, and then see if I can do anything about those things. Maybe you could try to talk to him about the situation? Ask him what is hardest for him? I don't know...every guy is so different. My hubby doesn't usually fess up about something bothering him until after it's cleaned up.

I don't know if that helped you or not. I'm glad the spotting stopped again. I hope you get enough rest.

Freyja said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Freyja said...

I have a unique perspective on this post because I've been taking care of my husband for about 16 months now. That care has ranged from all consuming to minimal but has ALWAYS been there. So I know what it's like to be on the OTHER side of the equation. First, if we're all honest with ourselves and one another, YES, it IS a burden. How could it not be? We all struggle to take care of OURSELVES on a daily basis and then all of a sudden your responsible for the person who you thought was going to help you get through things. It's strange and scary and hard. That said, we carry that burden because we want to. We love each other. And we try to do it graciously. But sometimes we fail because we're just human too. So if we get snippy or frustrated or callous forgive us our sins. Likewise, we as care takers have a responsibility to remember that even though the role of caretaker sucks, it DOES suck LESS than being one in need of care. So even when we feel overburdened or under appreciated, we need to check ourselves and think how hard this must be on our mate whose going through the physical (and emotional) hardship on a daily basis. In the end, I think that the best you can hope for is that the person in need of care doesn't take the caretaker for granted and the caretaker remembers that the person in need of care doesn't want to be in need of care. It's a tough balancing act though. Go easy on yourself and your husband. Big, huge hugs!!!

zsazsaJadieCat said...

((big hugs))
::big prayers::

Malloryn said...

I'm hoping that everything is ok, Trish. People deal with stress in different ways, you just need to remember that you're both in this together. ::hugs::

Janna said...

I'm so sorry about the spotting. I know this is such a scary time for you, and I don't think you should worry about being a burden. You need to do whatever you can to keep your little bubs safe. I'm sure there are MANY, MANY instances where you have taken care of DH, so it's only fitting that you should get taken care of given the circumstances without you feeling like a burden. Men are just weird when it comes to doing things that they haven't done much, like cooking or cleaning. J gets that way too, and I think I'm being a burden, but when I think about it a little more I realize that marriage is a give and take, and sometimes we have to do something that's out of the norm to take up the slack for our partner. (((HUGS)))

inconceivablejourney said...

oh goodness sweets. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time through this. Yes, this is scary, but it could be so many things and only one of those things is a bad thing... so the odds ARE in your favor that this spotting is just spotting. Let's concentrate on that. My magic ball says that all things point to happiness for you. You'll get through all of this, check your baggage at the ticket counter and try to enjoy that flight.

Hyperfertile Infertile said...

What a roller coaster this pregnancy has been for you.I keep praying for you, and won't stop!

yadaking said...

OMG! Tell your husband that we are going thru the same thing. Had 3 MC (3 IUI), now going thru saline sonohysterogram, hysterscopy to find out if there is septum/polyps. I wish I can carry the baby. I would do anything for my wife for this baby. She has suffered enough thru 3 MC. But, honestly, sometimes I do feel tired doing all the chores. She needs to be off her feet because of possible imcompetent cervix.

Just take it easy now, grab some to go food when you don't have time. Remember to rest a lot and take your vitamins. Good luck to you.