Scary out there

I have my first OB appointment in the morning. I'll be 10w exactly.

This was actually originally my next boob lump appointment but when I called to set up my first OB appointment, they just decided to combine them together.

I had a pretty good dose of anxiety about it yesterday. I've been mostly better today. I had a good dose of morning sickness last night which I think helped.

I'm obviously nervous. I actually have a couple of concerns.

The most obvious- the baby died.

I'm also worried that she'll try to use the doppler and it won't work because I'm too fat. And then I'm worried I'll freak out. And since my OB's office doesn't have an ultrasound machine, it's not like we can slip over to the next room and see for sure. I just feel like I'm set up for a stressful morning. I almost took a vacation day just so I could deal with whatever happens.

In the end I decided to wing it. If I have to call in, I will. Hopefully I'll be walking on air and float through the day.

Tonight I was listening to my iPod at work and the song "For Bobbie" by Peter, Paul, & Mary came on. When we first started TTC that was the song I used to sing all the time and think about how I'd sing it to our baby someday. Tonight, when it came on, I started bawling. I actually had a picture in my mind of singing to THIS baby. I was overwhelmed- both with love & fear. So much for remaining at arm's length from this pregnancy. I'm hopelessly lost.

Man is it scary.

My husband keeps asking when we're going to tell people. I keep saying "We'll see." I've come close to telling a person here or there a couple of times. But I just can't do it. Saying it out loud is more powerful than it should be. Honestly, there is no reaction that is right. If someone is excited, I'm freaked out. "No no no.. it's early.. don't get excited yet!" If they are cautious or reserved I think "What is wrong with you? Why can't you be excited!?" It's just easier not to deal with it.

When we first got the positive test David joked that we'd tell people about the time the kid went off to college. Right now that sounds about right. A birth announcement seems reasonable. Right?

Apparently his mother called tonight. I was mercifully at work. She asked The Question. He told her we were considering taking some time off to enjoy our anniversary next month. Not EXACTLY a lie, but sort of. He called to tell me. I told him he could have told her. He seemed confused that I said it was okay. Hadn't I said I wanted to wait? I told him that *I* didn't want to be the one to tell her, but that HE could.

I don't think he really gets how stung I still am about her reaction to pregnancy #2. I think if the first thing she says this time is essentially "Is this one going to die, too?" I might come undone. I honestly can't think of any tactful yet truthful response to that. Mostly I think of myself screaming at her. And I don't think that would be good. I wish he would just handle it. He says she'll have questions he can't answer. WTH questions would those be, exactly? I don't know. But I'm not entirely rational on the subject so I just keep avoiding it.

So for now- we're in the closet. It's an odd place to be for someone like me. I'm so open & vocal about everything. But this time, well, this time it seems really scary out there.

--Trish