Decisions Cont'd

-20 more grams. I told him that's it. No more loss allowed.

Prepare the moose.

It was a hard day. I guess I've just reached the point where I'm tired of NICU life.
I'm tired of sharing my son. I'm tired of having to schedule time to hold him. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and wondering if I can trust the person caring for him.

A friend sort of dismissed by need to take a leave the other day saying that women leave their kids all the time. I explained that she got to pick her baby sitter. Some days I've never even MET the people caring for Robbie.

I came in to Robbie doing well. He was on room air at 4 liters. I went to pump and when I came out, he'd been desatting a little. (no lower than 82%) She'd bumped him up to 30%. I asked my husband if she did that all at once- yes. That infuriates me. first of all, small increases are recommended. The rush of oxygen is bad for his eyes. We've been very fortunate so far that he has no signs of ROP (retinopathy of prematurity), but he's still at risk. Secondly, it just isn't necessary. Probably 23% would have done the trick.

I had a good loud rant about it. My husband looked at me like my head was spinning around. I didn't care. I'm just so effing sick of people not doing what is best for him.

After I finished my rant, then cried for a minute, I walked down to the old NICU and found the charge nurse. Turned out to be one of my favorite nurses in the whole NICU. She LOVES Robbie. As soon as she caught site of me, she exclaimed "HOW'S MY FRIEND ROBBIE?!" I told her he was doing well. She asked how I was and I started to cry. Again. (Seriously.. there WILL be a day I don't cry, right?) I told her I was exhausted and tired of the lifestyle and what would help is if we had some primaries. What do I need to do?

She was very sympathetic. So we discussed a few names and she's going to work on it. I told her she'd be high on my list but of course, she can't because she's charge nurse a lot. She said she tries to make sure he gets the best care from afar but she'd love to take care of him. She's the nurse who made me cry happy tears one day because she stood and soothed him for at least 30 minutes when he was upset. I'd never seen one of the nurses take any real amount of time to actually comfort him. I could have kissed her straight on the lips that day.

So, the ball is rolling for primaries. Wish us luck.

As we were standing there, I saw my beloved Dr. C. He'd offered to help us choose a pediatrician and I had a list so I snuck over to see him. He was with a woman who looked like a professional-type, so I just tapped his shoulder and asked him to come see me later. He excused himself from the lady and asked if everything was okay.

I told him it was no big deal, I just wanted to discuss pediatricians and to just find me when he had a free minute.

He got a funny look on his face and I inquired what he was thinking.

He turned back to the lady standing next to him and said "Let me introduce you to my friend here. This is J. P. She's my children's pediatrician."

Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways and sometimes he's a bit blunt, eh?

So I shook Dr. P's hand and introduced myself. I asked if she took GHP insurance. She does. Dr. C told her a little about Robbie. ("He's done very well. No major setbacks. But he has awful reflux.")

Dr. C came to find me later. He went through my stack of doctors (one doctor per page) one by one. I couldn't help but laugh because while he stopped short of saying anything bad about anyone, he'd occasionally get one and say "I don't want to be rude, but we're just going to throw this one away, okay?" He went through each of the practices and picked the doctor that he thought would suit my personality best. A few he said he didn't think would have good chemistry with me. A few he just gave me the look that said you don't want that one, trust me.

After he finished my stack, I asked about the doctor I'd just met.

He replied that he had to warn me that he's not objective.

Turns out that Dr. P is one of his oldest friends. They were in residency together. She's godmother to one of his children. He adores her.

He explained a bit about how she works. One thing that I really liked is that she rounds on the babies. Even though Robbie isn't released yet, if she were his doctor, she'd come see him every day. She's apparently quite big on the individual attention. Sounds good to me.

He told me not to feel any obligation to choose her, I had lots of good choices.

I said that I knew a sign when I saw one. I just HAPPENED to find him to discuss pediatricians when he had one standing with him? Some people see coincidences. I see divine intervention.

So I called the office today and made the arrangements. Robbie now has a pediatrician.

I also picked his brain on the vaccine issue. I brought up the mercury/aluminum/autism worries. He pretty much said that HE is completely comfortable with Robbie getting them now, but that if it would make me more comfortable to wait until he's 4-5 pounds, he has no problem with that at all. He doesn't think this is an issue that should cause me more worry. If waiting a little longer would lessen my worry, then by all means, wait a little longer.

Have I mentioned how much I love him? I do.

When I called to check on Robbie today, they'd turned his air volume down again. Three liters now. I was surprised since they'd just turned him to 4 liters yesterday. I guess he's doing okay.

We just pray it keeps up.

Thanks for everything. That thing we aren't discussing is already paying off.


--Trish