Saturday, March 28, 2009

Guest Post By Mrs. Spit

Comparisons are Odious

I was the sort of kid that insisted, when I perceived that my parents were being unfair would complain. "Mum, it's not fair, Elizabeth's parent's don't do that". You know who Elizabeth was, you had a friend like her (or maybe you were her, I don't know). I got Ovaltine, she got Nestle Quik. I got pure apple juice, she got kool-aid. She had a large white cat called Fluffy. I had two huge tom's called Stanley and Jonathan. She got those Popsicles with ice cream in them, I got, you guessed it, home made Popsicles with apple juice. She had better food, better toys, better, well everything.

And I would complain, which must have cut my mother to the quick, but that's another post for another day.

And my mother would look at me, and she would say "Mrs. Spit, Comparisons are Odious".

She's right you know. There's always someone with something better, there's always something about how other's handle their life that we just don't quite like. It isn't what we think we would do. But oh, we are so quick to judge. So quick to find fault, so quick to condemn.

Trish wrote such a lovely post on Thursday. She was talking about President Obama's comment, that was, at best, unfortunate. Now, I don't think that he meant it as such. I think it was an unfortunate choice of words by a man so much in the public spotlight. But, his words, as unfortunate as they were, gave rise to what Trish was saying. That words hurt. They have power, and they hurt. And that retard especially hurts.

I was pretty surprised about how this post got turned into a "bash Trish" situation. I'm still a bit confused about the whole thing.

Now, I've never been afraid to jump in where angels fear to tread, so I don't mind saying, those comments were hurtful. They may not have been mean spirited, but they were mean. And I'm sitting in my dinning room, several thousand miles away from Trish and all I can think of is "you hurt my friend, for no good reason". Really, that's about it. And perhaps what bothers me most is that you hurt my friend because it made you feel better to do so. And I'm not ok with that.

You see, when you tell Trish she's whining, when you tell her:
A lot of the time, you do have a poor attitude, compared to most other mothers,
some of those that have lost one or more children. (And I don't mean by
miscarriages)

I am astounded. I know 2 Trish's. I know the Trish that blogs, and I know the Trish that I talk to late at night, when Robbie is in the hospital, or he's unwell. They are 2 am calls, calls at a time of night when the lines between possible and impossible, and if we are honest, the lines between life and death are a bit blurred. They are calls made when she is exhausted, and I just want to hold her hand. Pray for her and with her. Hold out hope for tomorrow.

And that Trish, the Trish who has so kindly shared Robbie's joy and sorrows, who has, in the midst of profoundly trying times celebrated her thankfulness and her sorrow, the joys and the pain of being a mum to a special needs baby, I have been thankful for her.

It is true courage to face the challenges of your life head on. It is true valour to describe life as you are living it, not as you want it to be. It is our great honour to be allowed into her life. It's not easy to be a mum, whether your baby is healthy or struggles to eat. It's a bit harder when your baby struggles.

And so, I think, on behalf of many of us, I would like to say thank you. It has been my great good privilege and honour to be a part of Trish's life, and through the life of Trish and Dave, Robbie's life.

Mrs. Spit
Chief Moose Purveyor, Edmonton, Canada.

45 comments:

Tom & Shannon said...

*applause*

O.S.B. said...

*stands up and cheers from the back row*

BRAVO!!

Slytherpuff said...

:: applauds mrs. spit ::

Cassie said...

Well said!

Jess said...

**Applause**


Thanks for standing up for Trish!


We love you Trish and we love that little boy of yours.

Stephanie said...

::tearing up::

Thank you for that. It was exactly what SO many of us wanted to say.

Trish has to be the strongest woman I have ever met. She has been through so much in her lifetime, and I can't imagine having to deal with it.

But you can't expect a woman who has been through what she has to constantly be sunshine and roses. That's not real life. That's fake. And I don't come to her blog to get fake. I come here to get encouragement that yes, life is hard. But we aren't alone. And it's all worth it.

Trish doesn't whine. She speaks her mind. She doesn't apologize for it or excuse it. Her blog is an outlet for ALL of her emotions, good AND bad.

We love you Trish. ::muah::

Trish said...

Thanks Mrs. Spit. *sniffles*

For those of you out there who aren't already familiar with Mrs. Spit:

her blog is:

http://mrsspitspouts.blogspot.com/

Robbie brings me many joys, one of which has been her friendship.

She's a beautiful and thoughtful writer. I love her.

Anonymous said...

I do know know Trish and have known her casually for a few years. And she really is just a bitch. I'm glad she has followers, that adore her...but that's just her personality.

Jenn said...

**applause**

I cried. I love you Trish!

Martha said...

How are people qualified to judge unless they have been through the same exact circumstances including care for a premature infant?
Take good care, Trish, I'm glad you and Mrs.Spit are friends.
I am privileged to be her friend too.

Jo said...

To Mrs. Spit,

Kudos and applause for standing up for your friend. I follow your blog, and love how you are not afraid to speak your mind. We need more people in the world like you.

To Trish,

I had to read the backstory to get a sense of what is going on here, as I am not a regular reader (although I will be from here on out). It is unbelievable to me that ANYONE has the audacity to criticize your attitude, your personality, or anything about YOU on YOUR BLOG. I mean, really!

Obviously, this person also knows how very WRONG their action is because they choose to remain anonymous, even after several people have pointed out that you don't have to have a blog to sign your name to your comment.

I view my blog as a place to vent, to sort out my feelings, to learn about myself. If someone else wants to read it, great. If they can identify with what I'm going through, even better.

If they don't, well then, no one is forcing them to visit my little corner of the blogosphere. Go away. I promise my feelings will not be hurt.

Why on earth does this anonymous poster feel the need to continue to write plain old MEAN comments like the one above? What good is going to come of it? Can you really say that you are participating in a valid debate when you resort to name-calling and belittling?

As for parenting, it is hard enough without anyone putting unwelcomed advice (have a better attitude? come on!) onto someone's shoulders. Would you really do so much better in their position? Unless a child's safety or emotional well-being is at stake (and clearly in this case it is not)then keep your advice to yourself, unless asked for it.

This isn't about kissing anyone's a**, or only praising them. But the fact of the matter is it IS their space. If you don't like it, MOVE ON.

We are here to offer one another support, not to drag each other down. If you can't do that, DON'T COMMENT.

Sorry for the soapbox -- this just got me all riled up today.

Hugs for both of you,
Jo

Maggie said...

:::applause::: go trish!

Amy said...

:applauds Mrs. Spit and Jo:

Danielle said...

Awesome! I don't even know you IRL Trish, but I was still fired up yesterday over this.

Elizabeth said...

Well said!

FattyPants said...

Woah I didn't read afor a few days and had to go back and read up. All those anon posters should be ashamed of themselves. What the hell gives them the right to say you whine and are too negative. Pay no mind to them.

And also the pic of robbie in the towel coming out of the bath???? So cute.

Two Hands said...

Hold the phone here. 'Anonymous' posted that Trish is a b-tch????????
What the hell is your problem? You have nothing better to do than sit around and insult people? I feel very sorry for you if that is the case.

Anthony's Mommy said...

Re: the R word. I have to admit I was one to use it in its wrong context. But after the NICU rollercoaster, after having a child with an uncertain future I now shudder when I hear people use it to make fun of others. I usually try to shrug it off or I'll straight up tell them thats not funny. But I just wanted to say I can see where you are coming from. Having a micro-preemie is very scary and it is hard! Especially in the beginning. To use the name of another preemie blog i read, its "not as glamorous as I thought it would be" There are wonderful days where I feel I can take on the world because of what Anthony and I have been through. And other days where i just feel so frustrated and scared of the road blocks in our way and I don't know what I should do. Its hard to advocate for a child where there isn't that much information out there on the future of micro-preemies. Some days I just have my moments where I cry. I cry because I'm thankful Anthony is alive. I cry because I don't think what happened to him is fair, I cry because of the unknown. But after my cry and vent I get up and dust myself off and continue to try and do what is best for my son. I know you do the same thing. =-)

Kim

caitsmom said...

Sending hugs and love. Thanks Mrs. Spit and Trish for this dialogue. Each time we make our voices heard it honors the love we have for our children.

Laura said...

Well said! I also find it very cowardly that the one person that continues to leave nasty comments won't even put their name on their comment.

To anonymous: If you dislike Trish so much, perhaps you should stop reading her blog everyday.

Fertilized said...

Bravo! Perfect!

HazelMay said...

I do say, Anonymous, grow a pair.

Tracy said...

Well done, Mrs Spit!


Anon, it must really distress your hard little soul to follow this blog. Why do you bother?

Are you just jealous that people care about Robbie and Trish?

Melanie said...

I said the above mentioned comment "you do have a poor attitude, compared to most other mothers, some of those that have lost one or more children. (And I don't mean by miscarriages)"

I said it then and I'd say it again. Trish used to speak of God and faith in her blogs? Where has that gone? The reason I made the above comment is because IT IS TRUE. She complains where it isn't warranted especially when she should consider some of her praises. She was awake for the birth. She saw her baby right away. She breastfeeds. Do you know how many people do not experience these seemingly normal but miraculous things? I'd give anything to breastfeed my daughter instead of having to buy her $240 14oz cans of prescription formula. But I don't whine about it. When I am having a hard day I talk to God, not bitch. Some examples of true Christians: Go check out Kelly at kellyskorner.blogspot.com, Andrea at simmonsfamilyupdate.blogspot.com, or Jenna at Jennasjourney.blogspot.com. They gave faith; they put their whole trust in God, love and praise Him 100%. They have all gone through bad things with their babies, especially Andrea. However, they maintain a positive attitude and don't let their demons get the best of them. Even when things get so unbearable and tough, they manage to find praise, but they too admit their fears. But there is a difference between fears and complaining.

I have read Trish's entire blog. Most things about her irk me but I won't say why because it is my very personal opinion that I know will only hurt her horribly, which contrary to popular belief, I am not here to do.

With that said, did you even bother to read the rest of my comment? Any of you? It was all praise and *boo hiss* on anonymous. But no, it's almost like you say fuck the good things I write. You see only what you want.

Trish, I wish the best to you and your son. I also hope that your relationship with God is strong and that you call on Him for strength when you cannot find it within yourself.

Trish said...

Melanie,

I shall check out the blogs you list because I'm always happy to read other people's experiences, particularly those of faith.

I'm sorry that you haven't seen me write of my faith lately. I know I'm truly blessed and thank God every day for every moment with Robbie. Part of my night time prayer is a thank you for every miraculous moment with him.

As for breastfeeding, I think you've missed out the parts where Robbie DOESN'T EAT.
He hasn't nursed since November 25th, to be exact. And before that, he nursed for 2 or 3 minutes here or there.

I am still PUMPING, yes. I take handfuls of domperidone to keep up my supply. And no, I'm NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. I'm glad to do what I have to do to provide what Robbie needs.

But I wish you would listen to yourself. Your post right there was complaining about having to spend money buying formula. How dare you complain when there are so many women who would give anything to have their babies to buy formula for?

Perhaps I should be angry at you because your baby will EAT formula. Mine won't eat anything. We add formula to the breastmilk that we pump into his belly for extra calories and he pukes it back up.

But I'm not angry with you. We're walking different paths.

Someone ALWAYS has it worse. ALWAYS.

To the women who have lost their babies, they could look to women who have lost more children. Or women living in Darfur who've not only lost their children but suffer malnourishment, rape and other unspeakable atrocities every day.

Does that mean that the people who have suffered aren't allowed to feel pain?

Of course not.

Everyone has their own experiences. We all suffer through trials.

I write about mine for many reasons. 1) I've always written through pain. it's how I deal.
2) I appreciate the support I receive here.
3) I hope my words help someone.

The thing is, if I only write of the good things. If I only praise the highs, there is GOING to be a mom of a baby with special needs come here and read and think "wow, she's so positive. And I'm suffering. What am I doing WRONG?"

These blogs you've referenced, I'm sure if they were honest, they'd admit that sometimes they're scared, sad and angry. They're not Gods- they're human. They experience real human emotions. Perhaps they don't put it out there for everyone to judge.

It's scary to do so because of comments like yours and some of the others I've received in the last few days. But it's real.

I'm often scared. I'm sometimes sad. I'm occasionally angry.

That doesn't mean that I don't love God. But I also don't think that God did this to Robbie. The God I know is loving and kind.

The bible speaks of God's sadness and anger. I think he feels my emotions with me. I think He walks with me.. no.. I think He carries me through them.

He doesn't ask me to be happy always. He asks me to abide as He abides with me.

I don't think He judges when I slip. I think He loves me anyway. That's the God I know and love- a loving and forgiving one.

I appreciate that you have the cajones to sign your name and state your piece.
But I must ask if my thoughts trouble you so much, why you bother reading? I'm not trying to be rude.. but truly, if I found something so offensive, I wouldn't take the time.

--Trish

Alice said...

Melanie,

You have spoken of true Christians in your response but have you looked in a mirror? The Christ I know does not compare one to another. The Christ I know does not insult. The Christ I know, knows me, my faults, my pains, and loves me in spite of them.

And He loves each of us in spite of ourselves.

Why is it your place to critisize another Christian? Or to compare? Or be hurtful.

I pray you find peace within yourself before going forward with a response either here or other places.

Trish,

You know I adore you. For the good, the bad, the ugly. But mostly for the Robbie pics! :)

Seriously though, your troubles bring tears to my eyes and your joys bring a smile to my heart. As a fellow PE survivor, I commend you for wearing your heart on your sleeve and opening yourself up so publicly.

Alice

Heather said...

Thank you for writing this about Trish. I don't think people realize how much she's been through. You just can't be positive 100% of the time when you are living through what she is living through.

JamieD said...

As always, well said Mrs. Spit.

Tracy said...

Melanie, you need to brush up on your Scripture.

You seem able to judge another Christian pretty easily, my dear.

Mat 7:3-5 Remember the plank and the speck?

Romans 14:9-13 Judging fellow Christians

James 4:11 Speaking against the brethren

It's possible to edify without tearing down.

Just because Trish doesn't blog the way YOU choose to, doesn't mean that she's wrong or not a true strong Christian.

When you direct her to blogs of TRUE CHRISTIANS, you imply in a back handed way that Trish isn't a true Christian. Maybe that wasn't your intention, but to me it was hurtful.


I'm sorry for what you are going through. But when you come out swinging like that and making comparisons, you sound bitter. You're allowed to be bitter. I think that's an honest emotion. But please, don't attack someone else that is going through their own battles.


Christians are allowed to vent and certainly speak the truth. We live on this world where unfortunately bad and unfair things exist. That's the truth. Keeping things bottled up doesn't help or make someone a Christian. You don't have to be a martyr.

Jesus did that already.

Confiding in others is cathargic and edifying. Feeling emotions is human. I don't think it's bitching. The bible doesn't say we can only pray to God and never speak about our problems to our fellow brethren.


Who knows how many people Trish has helped by being honest and open with her feelings?

I'm sure it's countless.

Someone always does have it worse. Comparing struggles and obstacles does no one any good.

My prayers to you and your family, Melanie.



Trish, your reply was calm and spot on.

Melanie said...

The comment was mostly rebuttal to Mrs. Spit's post because nothing I said was intended to be hurtful. And what she said, it only made me smile because she is sadly mistaken, but I applaud the woman for standing up for her friend and morals. Am I not allowed to simply agree with EVEN YOU who says you whine too much? The rest of my original post was all for you, to defend you from anonymous. Did anyone care about that? No, not even including yourself.

I don't like to post publicly like this because things are taken out of context and then I have all of your supporters attacking me when they don't even realize HOW I'm saying what I say or WHAT they are saying to me for that matter. Suddenly I am not allowed to express my opinion when called out on what I say?

When I referenced to other blogs, I simply wanted to show you women of faith in the same situation as you and explain my "compared to other mothers" comment. We are all in one way or another in the same situation with just slight variations in our stories. When I made a reference to breastfeeding, I was not complaining. I was explaining, and trying to get you to see some of your praises. I am not angry at you for that. I don't envy anyone as you do. I take what I have and make it my own perfect world. You say you want to be normal, you envy normal families, etc. Your situation may be different right now but you do have things in your motherhood story that have been normal. Things such as the following are what make me angry:

"The idle "How cute! How old?" turns into a dissertation. "He's 9 months but was 3 months early and has stomach issues so he's really small." Which always leads to more questions and more long answers. All in an effort to avoid the disapproving look that says "Don't you FEED him?" or worse yet "what is WRONG with him?" .......So I feel envy. Envy for the super babies who are hitting milestones ON TIME, those who wear 6-9 month clothes when they're ACTUALLY 6-9 months old. Those who can answer "how old" in 3 words or less. Those who complain because formula and baby food is JUST SO EXPENSIVE. And I kind of hate myself for it."

You could answer how old your baby is in three words or less. You just choose not to as if your are looking for sympathy. When people say, "how cute!" you could just say THANK YOU. The mothers such as yourself who envy "normal" mothers, absolutely piss me off. Infertiles hate those of us who can get pregnant. Why? Like you said, there is always someone out there who has it worse than you. Envy is the destruction of man. I've had my share of baby problems but I do not envy those who have had it easier. You assume my baby takes her formula with ease. She doesn't. But you wouldn't know that, because you don't ask. You just ASSUME. I take every day as it comes and praise God that I had that day to spend with my baby and husband. There is a family who has been through hell and back the past two weeks from losing their husband/father for no damn good reason which has made me see things in a different light. I want to stop with all my "woe is me" as I used to do and praise God for what I have because it may be gone tomorrow.

We all have the right to feel fear, anger, etc and write about it. I was just looking for the praises, especially to God that you actually have Robbie in your life as he is adorable and has the ability to show his beautiful happiness. I was not criticizing you as a Christian, or whatever your religion.

Why do I read your blog when so many things about you make me angry? Because I care about your son and want to see him better. Simple as that. Do I think you are a bad mother? No. But now my innocent comment with a sentence AGREEING with you, has turned into a "bash Melanie" blog session.

I'm done with it. I can't make people walk in my shoes if they don't want to, so I'm done. I hate drama, and I was just being honest. I will not apologize for honesty.

If you want to talk further in private to talk this out and give explanations so that we may understand each other, let me know. Otherwise, I'll leave it at that. You are doing the best with what God gave you. I do not hate you, nor do I think you're a bitch.

I will still check in on Robbie because I care. I don't think I'll be making any future comments, however.

God bless.

Trish said...

Melanie- I don't think I want to talk to you privately because I think it would only lead to frustration, honestly.

As for referring to comparing me to other mothers, you said "MOST" other mothers. As though I'm on the crappy end of the mothering spectrum. MOST mothers are better than me. That's hurtful. Perhaps you didn't mean to be hurtful, but it was.

And "looking for sympathy" by answering the question? I believe YOU are now ASSUMING. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm explaining. Certainly over-explaining, but I'm answering the question in a complicated nature because it's a complicated question. When people say "how cute!" I DO simply say "thank you!"
I often have people at the hospital congratulate me as though they think I'm taking home my newborn. I simply say thank you and move on.

But the question "how old" is more complicated. Yes, I probably should just say "10 months" but people are often confused or appalled, or give a pitiful look like "wow, what's WRONG with him?" so I explain.

The thing is, that very infrequently leads to sympathy. It actually usually leads to a praise. "Wow! What a miracle!" And I always say "Oh yes, in more ways than one. We're very blessed."

Simply saying "10 months" leads to pity far more frequently than telling the story of what a huge (pardon the pun) miracle he is.

As for your question- "Where are the praises."

Check on the entire post from March 24. "Perspective" was all about being grateful for what I have.

Every single picture post is positive.

The March 10 post "Checkin' in" was a complete list of all the great things Robbie is currently doing.

The March 5 post was a celebration of being home after surgery.

If you're having trouble finding positive things in my blog, you're not looking very hard.

And with that, I'm done with this. Again, I implore, if you dislike me so much, don't read. You're welcome to keep up with Robbie on his blog where you aren't burdened with my worries.

But for me, I'm still going to worry. I pray for God to take it, but I'm never going to stop worrying. And if you don't worry about your child.. well, I suppose you are a better Christian than me.

--Trish

You All Know Who said...

See, this is why I hate the internet. Words are getting nasty, I could too, but won't because it wouldn't make me feel better. You are taking everything I say out of context and that is why I prefer PRIVATE conversation but you want it out in the open so all your dogs can attack me too. It's unfair. A private conversation would maybe get me to see your perspective a little more, and maybe you'd see mine. I am a fair and honest person who has compassion for those that need it. I do not like fights, I like to resolve things. This is just becomming a back and forth because it feels like you'd rather throw me under a bus than resolve things. And maybe I am wrong; maybe a resolution would end with my apology. I am always willing to admit when I am wrong. You'll never know though, because you are not willing to speak with me.

As for your supporters, I never claimed to be a perfect or even near perfect Christian. I don't even agree with a lot of things in the bible. I was giving examples of women who, in my eyes, are near perfect Christians. They inspire me.
I do worry about my child, and so does my husband. He's in the picture. Every second, minute, hour and day, he's there.

TRISH or ANYONE ELSE: Do not take the following as an insult or anything bad. It's simply an observation.
Until I saw a previous post about your anniversary, I wasn't even certain if you were married.

So maybe that's why your life is hard, because your husband isn't as helpful as mine. If this is so, and I am not assuming or implying that it is, I feel for you and your son. I know I couldn't do it without my husband to help with our family. Kudos to you for doing most of it yourself. As for the "most mothers" and you saying you were in the crappy end, your words not mine. I said you were strong and a good mother. Which you are.

I am now done causing you any more worry. I am sorry for any words that hurt although they were not said aloud as such. I am sorry for any anxiety I've caused you, and I am sorry that you don't want to talk because in my heart I am a good person and I mean well.

As for what's been said, we'll just have to leave it at that.

If you do want to talk, I am even bold enough to post my email:

LPO.Wife@gmail.com

MegGary said...

You all Know Who Said you need to get over yourself to think that Trish needs to sit & explain herself to you or anyone.

As for being bold enough to put your email on here. I wouldn't say you are bold as much as DUMB.

MegGary said...

Another thing Melanie. If you are such a good Christian yourself you'd know that your judgment means nada. The only judgment Trish needs to worry about is God's. Now go away & be the great mom/Christian you seem to think you are.

Melanie said...

One last post, I promise. I feel the need to personally answer a few comments. My heart is hurting because all of this is blown out of proportion and I hate to be one of "those" bloggers that says mean things just to hurt someone. I am not that person.

To Alice ~

I was not trying to be hurtful, just giving prospective. I realize now that it hurt Trish, but still in my defense, was not meant to be hurtful. As for looking in the mirror, I have done that a lot lately. Am I the best Christian I can be? Not yet. Do I still stumble and fall? You bet. Does God pick me up, dust me off and remind me what is right? He sure does. From age 12 to 17, I was the worst daughter, friend, family member and Christian as anyone could be. Giving birth to my first child, who was honestly a miracle, made me see that if I put faith in God, He will direct me to the path of righteousness. Have I reached that path? No. Why? Because I am still trying to sort through what I have done in my life, and how I will learn from my past to make my future better. I was wrong to imply that she was forgetting God, because I have realized that even I do that at moments though I am trying very hard not to. I want to help people, not hurt them. Same goes for Trish and Robbie. I want to know her as her friends know her.

To Tracy ~

I did not reference the other blogs to show her up or anything else. Trish has also said if they were honest, they would share their true feelings of fear and anger. THEY DO. But I wanted to reference them to express the way that they do it because they are good examples in my life. It was not meant to be harmful. Maybe Trish and these other mothers will become friends because they are going through similar situations. I never said she had to blog in a certain way; I never said she can't show fear and emotion. That is what our God is for! As well as blogs. As for being bitter, I have been bitter many times in my life. I've learned that it only destroys me (only referencing myself here). I used to be bitter about not getting support from people when I was having my own problems. But I've made my peace through whatever reasons and let it go. But you're right; everyone has the right to be bitter. Who knows? Maybe subconsciously I am hurt that all other mothers get support because their case is worse than mine. That shouldn't matter. I'm not saying that is what I feel because I don't know how I truly feel. I'd say it would take deep thought and a therapist to figure that out. Everyone deserves support and a friend though. I am glad that Trish has these.

To Mrs. Spit ~

You chose one little bit from a whole entire comment of mine. This was uncalled for and unfair. I won't lie - it hurt because it was also the start of all the bashing. The rest of my comment was good and I was supporting her! Didn't you see? Why didn't you call out the anonymous posters who said much nastier things than I? You say you are her friend, yet you did not defend her against the anonymous, only the one that had the courage to post her name. Did you notice the anonymous comment calling your friend a bitch? Are you going to call them out?

I am hurt that you chose to only highlight the bad in what was meant to be a good comment. Trish admitted she whines; I was lightly agreeing. You took it way beyond that. Don't be a martyr for her cause when you will only call out one person, the least hurtful of all comments said. Again, good on ya for defending your friend. Loyalty is priceless. But don't just pick and choose who to call out - it just isn't right.

To MegGary ~

Who the hell are you to say to me that I am demanding her to explain herself? I just want to understand her and get to know her as Trish, the good mother that she is, as I have already begun to through subsequent replies. I am realizing that she does say many positive things. I have said she's a good mother, if you even bothered to read before this post. I posted my email so that if she wanted to talk, we could as I want to talk to her only and not have rude people such as yourself call me dumb, for I am not. I don't want to offend or hurt her anymore. I want to apologize to her and her alone, not having to answer to those of you that mistook my words. You are right, only God can judge us. So then why, Miss Hypocritical, are you judging me? I have never claimed to be a great mother and Christian, although I am trying to learn. I am not going to go away. I care for Robbie, and I care for Trish. This all got started because of one mistaken comment but I want it to end now. I am sorry you feel the need to belittle me. I was not intending to do the same to anyone.

To everyone else ~

I am sorry I hurt your dear friend. You have to believe that nothing was ever intended that way, I am not that kind of person. I know God doesn't like bullies. I know. No one expects perfection. Fake is stupid, and struggles are a reality. But just as she comes on her blog to say what she feels, a PUBLIC blog mind you, isn't it also fair to say that readers are allowed to give their honest opinions, granted they are not overly offensive and crude? Yes, I've said some pretty honest things, which looking back, maybe those things could have been worded in a different way. But they were raw emotions, just as Trish has. Hindsight is always 20/20. Trust me, I can now see way past 20/20. But may I remind you of this:

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. You are a stronger mother, and Robbie will be a stronger person who knows how precious life is. God has a plan. We may not know what is coming next but God does. God did not choose to give you Robbie by mistake. Robbie needed a strong mother, not a weak one. So that is why you have him - because you are strong enough. You just have to believe that and trust in His will..... I know Robbie's not quite 100% happy and healthy, but he'll get there. He is extremely disadvantaged being born early. YOU and everyone else cannot think of him as a 10 month old, as I am sure doctors have told you. He IS 7 months old, mentally, physically, emotionally....So treat him like a 7 month old. My daughter was only three weeks early and our doctors even told us to think of her as three weeks younger than what she actually is.

"Retard" is a real word, but it is a word to describe a medical condition, not an ugly pair of pants or a teenage boy's idiot math teacher. So your post on that was 100% valid and justified and has absolutely nothing to do with you whining too much. I do not pay attention to our president or politics in general, so I was not aware he said that. I can't believe someone in his position would say that especially since over half those people in the Special Olympics could probably whoop his ass. And no, anonymous or anyone else, I don't think we should have to get over it. It's a comment that no person ESPECIALLY the president should make. If you are going to tell people to get over it, especially the families of mentally or physically impaired people, to "get over it", you might as well tell the President and all other African-Americans to get over slavery and racism.Trish, just enjoy Robbie. We aren't promised tomorrow so we must cherish today. Whine when you want to, it's YOUR blog and those who don't like it can leave. But just as much as you whine, gloat and praise just as much."

After my "odious comparison" was all of that. Was that bad? No. I am in tears thinking of how Mrs. Spit took one little sentence and said "shame on you" but didn't acknowledge the good things that I did say. Why didn't she call out these anonymous comments that were posted on the very same blog BEFORE mine? Read as follows:

"seriously? you find fault with everything. i like robbie updates and pics, but am tired of your poor me attitude."

"I am sorry but people have to GET OVER what the president said.....[There is more but it's irrelevant.]"

"YOU DO SEEM PRETTY UNHAPPY. GLAD ROBBIE IS DOING WELL. TRY TO BE IN A MORE POSITVE MOOD AROUND HIM"

Why was my comment worse? Trish shouldn't have to get over what the president said because in her world, it is offensive because as she said, her son was referred to as inuterine growth retardation (I am pretty sure I got the spelling and wording wrong). As for my comment, I see now it wasn't the best way to say it, but why only me?

Why?! I am not a horrible person. I just had a moment of "word vomit". A stupid one at that.

To Trish ~

My final reply; I am sorry again for the unnecessary drama, hurt and anguish I may have caused you. I am a good person inside. I posted my email for no other reason than for you to have if you want to hear my explanation and deep sympathy/apology. I don't want to be an enemy; I want to rally for Robbie and his health and your happiness. (I know, if that were so then why did I say mean things? Again, I was stupid.) I do not expect you to explain yourself to me as MegGary implied. I only want to talk to you, not the world wide web. My heart aches as I write this as I am sorry to have made you upset when you already have so much on your plate. My heart also aches because of all the nasty comments left regarding me. I am not a monster, I am human. I made a mistake. Perhaps I deserve all this flak for the pain I have caused you, but it is enough. I hurt, and I've cried. As I have paid for my stupidity, so should the anonymous people that think you are a bitch, bad mother, whatever. I do not think that about you. YOU ARE STRONG. I see that you say a lot of positive things. I never should have compared you to anyone. Never.


Again to Everyone ~

I do seek forgiveness, as I was wrong but am not certain you believe I deserve it. I get that I was wrong so I am please asking for the mean comments to please stop. I have apologized, I feel remorse, and I myself do not want to be judged either.

I am sorry to Trish's friends, again, and I am sorry to Trish.

Trish said...

Well shit, Melanie. You make it awfully hard to dislike you when you make nice apologies like that.

Your apology is accepted and appreciated.

I did email you. You're welcome to respond there.

As far as I'm concerned, this issue is done.

I can't answer for why your words were focused on rather than others except to speculate that the others were just so over the top ugly that they didn't deserve a response.

And to be honest, being called a bitch doesn't really hurt me that badly. I've been called a bitch many times in my life. It's true enough sometimes. I suppose it depends how you define bitch.. but I am strong willed and I do speak my mind when I probably should sit down and shut up. I blame it on being raised by a man (My dad raised me from age 2-adulthood.) but who knows.

The insinuation that I'm a bad mother hurts much worse because that's something I do truly care about.

Anyway, as I said, I'm closing the book on this issue. Let's move on.

--Trish

Anonymous said...

Trish may consider the book closed, but I do not. Anyone who has the unbridled audacity to tell Trish that she whines too much or that she has an imperfect relationship with her God needs to deal with her own issues before lashing out at anyone, let alone the immensely selfless author of this blog. Bless your heart; your jealousy and cowardice are pitiful and apalling. If you have more bile to spew, spare Trish and her readers your anonymous drivel, and find me: Julie McKenna. I'm in Connecticut. Otherwise crawl back into your hole.

Ann said...

Trish, I have been following your blog for quite some time. I think you are an excellant mother. Of course you are stressed out at times but who wouldn't be with Robbie's health concerns?! I don't think you have a negative attitude at all. Just ignore those negative comments. We all love you!

MegGary said...

Who the hell are you to say to me that I am demanding her to explain herself? (You are though. Why does she need to let you get to know her better? You should of thought about getting to know her better before making your original comment)I just want to understand her and get to know her as Trish, the good mother that she is, as I have already begun to through subsequent replies. I am realizing that she does say many positive things. I have said she's a good mother, if you even bothered to read before this post. I posted my email so that if she wanted to talk, we could as I want to talk to her only and not have rude people such as yourself call me dumb, for I am not. I don't want to offend or hurt her anymore. I want to apologize to her and her alone, not having to answer to those of you that mistook my words. You are right, only God can judge us. So then why, Miss Hypocritical, are you judging me? (HOW AM i A HYPOCRIT? WHERE IN ANYTHING I WROTE DID I EVEN SAY I BELIEVED IN GOD? NOWHERE. MY POINT WAS DON'T SIT HERE & TALK ABOUT BEING A CHRISTIAN & POINT HER TOWARDS PERFECT ONES WHEN YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO QUESTION HER FAITH IN THE 1ST PLACE.)I have never claimed to be a great mother and Christian, although I am trying to learn. (YOU DIDN'T SAY YOU WHERE YOU JUST MADE SURE TO POINT OUT WHY TRISH ISN'T & HOW SHE COULD BE. HOW CAN YOU TELL HER HOW TO BE SOMETHING YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT?)I am not going to go away. I care for Robbie, and I care for Trish. This all got started because of one mistaken comment but I want it to end now. (MY POSTS ARE IN RESPONCE TO YOUR COMMENTS ON THIS ENTRY. NOT YOUR EARLIER ONES. I DID GO BACK & READ YOUR EARLIER POST.YOU CAN ASK PEOPLE TO IGNORE IT & LOOK AT THE GOOD BUT YOUR NEGATIVE COMMENT, YOUR 1ST COMMENT DAMPENS ANYTHING ELSE YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD TO SAY THAT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE.) I am sorry you feel the need to belittle me. I was not intending to do the same to anyone. (YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE INTENDED TO DO IT BUT YOU DID BY TELLING TRISH HOW TO BE A CHRISTIAN & WHAT TO BE GREATFUL FOR & WHAT NOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.)

Trish might have excepted your appology. That just proves what a good person she is. Because I cannot. You appologized yet you still threw in your negative comments. Couldn't just say I'm sorry could you?

Puting your email addy on a public website is dumb. No 2 ways around it. Even if your intentions where good others might not be.

In summary:
Apology = FAIL!

jen said...

Sorry Trish

MegGary-Get over yourselg. Melanie owes you nothing!

Jen

Mrs. Spit said...

Wow, this wasn't what I intended. Really not.

Melanie, I sense a lot of anger and resentment in you. I get that. I remember a moment when a friend was complaining his daughter wouldn't sleep. 2 months after Gabe's death, I remember looking at him and saying, with tears streaming down my face, that Mr. Spit and I would never sleep again, to have 5 more minutes with our baby. I assure you, that if it hurts you that Trish was awake for her birth, it hurts me just as much that you got a baby. There is always someone in more pain. That doesn’t take away from the pain you feel. The pain you feel is real, and God knows about it. He knows that it’s hard to have a baby that is different from what you expected. He knows this isn’t what you planned, that evil has struck your life, and carried off some of your hopes and dreams.

Part of being an adult is to accept, with our heads up and our hearts open, that some people got what we wanted - what we felt we deserved. Not that them getting it took it away from us, but that they have what we want. And sometimes, not only do they have what we want, but they make a hash of it, according to what we think we would do. Erma Bombeck was right, the grass is always greener over someone else's septic tank.

The entire point of my entry was this, you are comparing Trish to other people you like more. I can't stop you from doing it in your own head, but I can remind you of my grandmother's words "Is it nice, is it true, and last but not least, does it need to be said?" Truthfully, Trish has her path, and you have yours. And part of being an adult is to bite our tongue. To chose our words carefully, and to be supportive.

You are right, sometimes we need to give our friends a sharp boot to the butt. But, again, scripture is very clear about how that happens: within existing physical church community, with space for grace, with 2 or three other people. We do it with our friends, not random people we know on the internet. When we do it with random people we don't know well, in a public forum, we are rightfully accused of being mean. When we confront our people who are not within our faith community (church) and not our friends, and not based on a sin in their life, with scriptural back up, but rather on comparisons with others, we are in deep trouble. The fact remains, from a position of godliness, you decided both in your comments on Thursday, and again on Saturday and Sunday, to continue to go after Trish, based on the behaviors of women you feel handle the situation better. This behaviour is at best an inadequate attempt at a real biblical principal. It is out of line with truth and grace, and we feel the wrath of others when we engage in it. You have chosen to behave badly in a public forum, leaving me no choice but to point out your error in a public forum – I need to stand up for my friend, but more than that, I have a biblical responsibility to stand up for grace and truth.

A blog is nothing more than a picture in time. How we feel the instant we hit publish. As such, it's not quite a fair description of a whole person. I was trying to introduce the whole Trish I know, who does have a difficult road to hoe. If I have learned anything, I have learned that grief and suffering don't entitle me to anything from others. In fact, they require me to show much grace and mercy to others. I'm sorry you haven't been shown that grace. I'm assuming your anger and your hurt stem from this. I can see how that would happen. I hope you can find more supportive and caring people who honour the path that God has given you, and help you along it.

My point is this. You get to hold an opinion about Trish. I "went after" your comments because you implied that Trish was a bad mother. Frankly, in our world, that's a far more hurtful thing to say than to call someone a bitch. You compared her to other people, and decided that you found her lacking. You can do that, but to call someone a bad mother is simply mean. More than that, as someone who does have personal knowledge of Trish and her situation, it’s untruthful. It is in fact a lie. I have a responsibility to stand up when people tell lies about my friend. It’s not my job to call you a liar. It is my job to tell the truth about Trish. She’s a great mum.

Whether or not you intended to hurt Trish or call her a bad mum isn't the point. We are always responsible for what we say, whether we meant it or not. St. Paul is very clear, the tongue is a mighty sword. "I didn't mean it that way" is the cry of a child, not an adult. You have realized that your remarks were hurtful, and you have apologized. This is a very good thing.

I will pray for more grace and mercy to be shown to you in your real life, and that a wise and compassionate woman will come along side you and shower you with grace and positive biblical teaching.

Meghan, Gary & Sophia H said...

Never said she did. Nor did I imply it.

Melanie said...

Thank you Jen.

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