I have a few thoughts regarding the feedback I received today.
I take it that I'm not expressing my incredible joy at being Robbie's mom often enough. I shall endeavor to rectify that.
I love Robbie more than life itself. I'm in awe of him every day. After a middle of the night feed, I often pull him close and just stroke his hair or kiss his pudgy little cheeks over and over because he's just too sweet for words.
Yes, Robbie brought challenges to my life that I wasn't anticipating. But I have always known that parenting is a risk. As the saying goes- to be a mom is to have your heart walking around outside your body. I signed up for whatever mommyhood would bring- good and bad.
The good outweighs the bad by leaps and bounds. By mountains. By oceans.
The thing is, the good is easy to deal with. When he's smiling or giggling or sleeping peacefully, or just plain being adorable- when he's learning a new sound or trick, when he's amazed at something we all take for granted- that's easy. I just sit and stare. I laugh, I smile, I love. I try to snap myself out of the utter bliss and capture the moment on camera.
The bad- it's tough. The worries are endless.
Is he doing what he should? Am I doing what I should? Did I work him enough today? Did he eat enough today? Did he learn enough today? Do people know how great my kid is? Does my kid know how great he is?
Am I a good enough mother today?
I take in all the good stuff I can with Robbie. I try to enjoy the moments as they come.
But what do I do with the bad stuff? I'm home alone with Robbie most of the day. He's a pretty amazing kid, but he's not so great with the advice. And the bad stuff is a pretty heavy load for a 10-month-who-should-be-7-months-old.
So I bring it online to the vast space that is The Internet. Where I hope someone gets it. Where I hope someone gets me. Where I hope maybe I help someone who stumbles upon my words and knows they're not alone, the way I've stumbled upon others who've made me feel less alone.
And that brings me to my last point:
This is my blog, I'll whine when I want to.
If you're only interested in Robbie info, you're more than welcome to view Robbie's blog instead of mine.
This blog was started 2 years and 3 days ago as an outlet for my ugly stuff. I had been trying to conceive for year and a half and had just had a miscarriage. I was scared and hurting. I wasn't sure anyone would ever read what I wrote, but it didn't matter. I wrote because I needed to get it out- out of my head and out of my heart.
I went on to have another miscarriage and wrote my way through that.
I wrote through surgeries and failed cycles. Through my pregnancy with Robbie where I just COULD. NOT. STOP. SPOTTING.
I wrote from the hospital while I waited for him to be born. Through the tests and procedures and apnea and fear of the NICU.
I wrote through a lot of dark stuff.
And I still have dark stuff that I have to get out sometimes.
Fortunately I've found more light here than I ever imagined. The love and support that have found me through this blog and The Internet is humbling.
But in the end, this is my space. I'll write what I want to. I do appreciate the feedback. I left the comments because while I may disagree (I still think you're letting the Pres off too easily) I respect the opinions. I hope those with something unpleasant to say can respect mine.
P.S. The nice comments did NOT go unnoticed. I appreciate the love and support as always. Here are some more pictures, you gluttonous Robbie grubbers!
Big boys hold their own bottles.
I'm finally starting to hate baths a little less. I don't scream any more.
But getting out is still the best part.
You talkin' to ME?
All ready to go for a walk.
I love you Momma!
Haha! Upside down world is funny!
Contessa keeps my ear warm.
Mmmm parrot wings. A good source of fiber.
There must be some confusion. You seem to have put me down on my belly. HELP!