I'm feeling rather melancholy tonight. It's probably just lack of sleep. Robbie's been on a napping strike for about 5 days and then got up 3 hours earlier than normal today. (Minus today, he's been sleeping GREAT at night, so I really can't complain TOO loudly.)
He did FINALLY take a nap about 4:00 this afternoon which was a relief. But I'm still tired, of course.
I'm growing more and more apprehensive about Tuesday. Surgery has always made me nervous. Anesthesia scares the shit out of me. It always has. It scared me before I ever had a surgery. Then there was the D&C where I woke up before my body did and I couldn't breathe and I thought I was dying. And then there was Robbie taking 3 days to wake up.
And yes, I know the doctor doesn't think that'll happen again but I'm still scared.
I also worry about the pain he'll be in afterward. The one benefit to him having been on the vent for so long last time was that they were able to keep him dosed on Fenta.nyl. (Which also probably contributed to him having to be on the vent so long.) This time, hopefully, he won't be on the vent so pain management may be more troublesome. It makes me feel physically ill to think of him suffering.
I'm also nervous about if it'll work. The trouble with being hopeful that something might REALLY help is that I could be let down. I want so much for him to eat, if not normally, at least enjoyably.
I also admit that the seclusion has been getting to me. Alexa wrote, "Four months of RSV quarantine, in case you are interested, turns out to be exactly the amount I can endure before my seams start to show." and lordy, lordy is she right.
My MIL came to visit this weekend and David and I took advantage of the free babysitting and actually went out to dinner. It was actually our first dinner out alone together since Robbie came home from the hospital. We did go out with some friends several months ago, but those 2 occasions are the only meal-away-from-home times we've had in 6 months.
We literally had an excited conversation that included me saying, "Just think, before too long I'll be able to take him to the grocery store with me!" Big plans I have. I hope I don't get carried away.
The dinner was wonderful. The service was slightly disappointing but I refused to let it get me down. I'd have gone to the kitchen to get myself a drink if I'd had to. I ate until I was miserable. Appetizer AND Dessert- the decadence!
We even lingered after the meal just to talk a while. It was so needed.
Last week when I had Robbie at the hospital for the surgery consultation and the Upper GI, I had a headache. I stopped by my best friend's office (she works there) to ask if she had some ibuprofen. She said yes, turned to go get it and I literally said out loud "Oh good, because mommy has a headache."
I SEEM TO HAVE LOST THE ABILITY TO REFER TO MYSELF IN THE FIRST PERSON. It was actually embarrassing.
An adult meal later and I have found my subjective pronouns again.
But now we're back to the grind. I'm trying to keep my mind busy with list making. What to pack, what needs to be done, things to arrange, daydreaming about the end of RSV season and the fun things we'll be able to do. (I also *might* be checking the cdc.gov website for RSV info to see how the season is going. (Not that I'm counting the days or anything.)) But I keep looking at Robbie and worrying.
I've already explained to him that Tuesday is going to be a really sucky day and apologized for it. But I've also explained that it's really necessary and hopefully within a few days his tummy will feel much better.
Until then I'm just taking extra time to tickle and kiss his plugless belly. Soon it will be encumbered again. I know we have little choice. But man it sucks.
And with that, I leave you with this:
"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
At least Robbie's a better listener than the chair.