50/50

Back from my ultrasound.
The short version is that the baby isn't dead yet.
It has a heart that is beating. It is, for lack of a better explanation, way small.
I'm 6w today. The Sac measured 4.4w, the embryo itself 5.1w. The ultrasound tech (forgive me, I don't remember her name, though she did introduce herself quite nicely.) was really great. I've experienced the silent hoo-ha probe and don't really appreciate it. She was chatty without being perky, which is my kinda gal.

I told her upfront, "I'm nosy." She laughed and said that nosy isn't the right word. We'd go with curious and she'd be sure to show me everything, which she did. Bless her.

She was honestly surprised to see anything. She'd looked at my chart and saw that my last beta was 440. She was expecting to see nothing. She found the pregnancy right away. Hell, *I* saw the pregnancy right away. The dildo-cam went in and I saw the black spot go by.
She saw the sac & the yolk sac. She pointed out that no matter what, at least we know we don't have an ectopic, which I wasn't particularly concerned about, but it was in the back of my mind, particularly with the non-doubling beta.

Then she dug a little deeper. I could see the movement on the screen but I kept thinking it had to be something else. She said "do you see the pulsing?" and I said, "yes.. is that.." And she finished "the heart." And then I cried.

The crying was both joy & sorrow. I know this probably sounds awful, but I didn't want to see the heart. This is EXACTLY what happened last time. First a heart. Then total stillness. That stillness.... well.... it's hard to express. But it's not just a stillness on the screen. It's a stillness everywhere.

I know some people don't think of a miscarriage as a death, but in that moment, it sure felt like one. Where there once was life, there suddenly was none. And that was the hardest thing. To see it begin & end.

With my beta being so incredibly low this time I thought maybe we'd "just" have a blighted ovum. Not that a blighted ovum doesn't suck complete ass, but to think that it stopped before it ever got started.. well, it's easier for me to talk myself out of "life." It's a little hard to deny a beating heart, you know?

Anyway, we finished up with the u/s tech in a very short amount of time and then went to my R.E.'s office. She showed me the stills taken during the u/s, and the report. That's where I got the 4.4w & the 5.1w measurements. She did stress that because it's so small, it's hard to get an accurate measurement, so both of those numbers could be off a little. But they're clearly not at 6w.

The only way I can really explain her demeanor was "so-so." Which works out nicely since she handicapped the pregnancy viability at 50/50.

We talked briefly about my first pregnancy and how we're pretty much mirroring it. She looked at my file to see what we did different this time from last. (Metformin) That was sort of comforting to me because I can see that she's ready to try something else next time. You know my theory. If we're not moving foreward, we're moving backward.

I asked a lot of questions based on the assumption that I'll miscarry. She'd didn't argue with me or tell me to think positive. Perhaps some people might think she should have, but I appreciated it. She said something about the pregnancy that sounded almost positive but added "I don't want to get your hopes up." I informed her that was not really a concern, that I'm a bit more of a realist.

So, the plan is to have another ultrasound in 2 weeks. We could have done it next week, but that's iffy enough no matter what we see, plus she is out of town next week, anyway. I said I'd wait the 2 weeks. At that point, we reassess. Working on the assumption that in 2 weeks the heart has stopped, she agreed to everything I hoped for. I'd have a D&C that same week and send the tissue off for assessment. And we'd start the RPL panel. I didn't even have to ask about the RPL panel, which was nice.

I asked what to do if I were to start to bleed before any of this and she said to call the office and if I pass any tissue, save it & bring it in for testing. So I'll get my tests no matter what. That's about as much as I can ask for. I'm an information addict with a doctor willing to keep me supplied.

As for how we're doing emotionally - we're okay. Sad, of course. There's not a lot of hope in the house, but we're okay. I think we've both set into goal mode. It's not even about this pregnancy at this point. It's about what we can learn from it, what we can do to never do this again.

David noted on the way home that while this completely sucks, we were not supposed to get this far in the first place and now we've done it twice. So that's something.

So. I'm still pregnant. And the baby isn't dead yet. It's truly in God's hands at this point.


--Trish