Friday, July 13, 2007

2am freak out

It's 2am. I have to be up by 7:30 for the next beta. I was doing fairly well until about an hour ago. I've been very tired and was tonight as well. Now anxiety has set in.

My boobs stopped hurting. This happens every day, but it's so close to a test that I'm extra sensitive.

I've found that my boobs hurt like hell when in a bra. An hour or so after I take it off, they barely hurt at all. It could mean something. It could mean nothing. Much like everything at this point.

Anyway, an hour ago, the nerves really set in. Honestly today I was toying with the idea of not getting the beta. Now, it's laughable, really, because you've probably gathered by now that I'm an information addict. No way I'd turn down more information. The more something scares me, the more I have to know about it. So you can imagine that I must KNOW EVERYTHING about this pregnancy. But really, logically, the number today means nothing. The numbers doubled. So what if they do again? It doesn't mean this baby will live. If it doesn't? Doesn't mean it won't. It's a hint. Not an answer.

I think the only reason that doctor even ordered it is to tell if it's going to be high enough to see anything on an ultrasound. Of course, it could be lower or about the same and we'll know it's over, but my body is rarely that cooperative. Apparently I don't do "answers" well. I'm almost certain that it will double and that it will mean nothing.

I have so much swirling in my brain that I don't know that I can make any sense.

I'm so scared to lose this baby. I love it so much yet refuse to acknowledge its existence. David said "I hope the baby gets your eyes." I said "I hope this baby lives." I'm a treasure to be around, I know. I just can't think about the color of its eyes. I just want it to HAVE eyes. I can't talk about names. Or look at quilts. Or consider how we might rearrange the house for a nursery.

At this point in my last pregnancy, I had the baby's room half designed. What a naive twit I was. I won't be that twit again. Maybe if we can get to 8 weeks with a heartbeat. Maybe. But I try hard not to think about that.

I promised myself after the last miscarriage that "next time" I wouldn't think about the future. One step at a time. The first beta. The 2nd. The ultrasound. The 2nd ultrasound. What's so incredibly fucking funny is how that itself was looking to the future. It assumed we'd have a 2nd beta. Or an ultrasound.

Oh, and the other funny thing about last time? I talked about how awful limbo is and how I just didn't want to go through that again. I didn't want all this early stuff, cause limbo is the worst. Yet here I am. Again. Limbo.

Oh, and you know what I DO think about? "Well, after we lose this one, maybe next time we'll try injectibles. It's probably egg quality, so maybe that will help. Two or three rounds of injectibles, then maybe IVF. If I can get pregnant with IUI, I can get pregnant with IVF. Maybe if they put a few embryos in, at least one will live. Yes, I think that's a good plan. That means I'll have to keep this annoying HMO through another year, but that's okay..." because plans past the baby dying.. THAT I can handle.

The actual process of miscarriage. Can't think about that. I can't handle it. Yes, I know I *WILL* handle it, but I can't think about it. I can't even process that I'm very likely losing 2 babies this year. And just think, there's still time to get pregnant and lose another.

Yes, I know you're all hopeful. The beta doubled. I know. That's good. But you know what? It doubled last time. It doubled faster last time. And I still had a dead baby. It could quadruple tomorrow. Wouldn't matter. It's still really fucking low.

I've googled every person who has ever had a low beta. Yeah. Low. 85. 90. And some worse than mine. 15. 20. These are all at 15dpo, btw. No one with a beta lower than mine had a live baby. Not a single one.

At there were 2636 women reporting successful pregnancies with info at 15dpo. (Successful means they saw a beating heart. My last pregnancy is on there, for the record. I saw a heartbeat. So much for that.) Out of those 2636, there are 181 in the same range as mine. One hundred eight one. That's less than 7%. Yeah. You can see me jumping for joy, yes?

I know I sound angry. I am angry. This fucking sucks. I'm scared. And this isn't fair. We have fought too hard to get pregnant to lose 2 of them. And I know there are people who have had it worse. 3 miscarriages, 5 miscarriages, 12. It's not fair. To any of us. But right now I'm feeling sorry for ME. I'm angry for ME.

I hate this. I'm scared and this sucks. And David is so hopeful. And he's told me a dozen times how much he loves our little embryo. And he looks so sweet when he says it, and holds up his fingers to indicate how tiny it is. And all I want to do is scream at him NOT to love it yet because I can't handle hurting him again when it's over.

But I love him so much because he does. And because he'll weather anything for us to have a baby. I just don't know how much more I can weather.

Okay.. I'm calming down. I think I needed to get that out.

I have to be up soon. The idea is that I'm supposed to go in very early for the bloodwork and then if I haven't heard anything by 1:30, I'm to call Good Nurse Crystal and have her track down the results. Even though they're meaningless.

I'll post if/when I know anything. With my track record, I really don't expect results until Monday, though. I'm sure Crystal won't let me down, but I also know with my luck that they'll tell her the tests aren't done yet.

BTW, temp has been pretty high the last few mornings. And my left side hurts. Either my corpus luteum has kicked into high gear or I'm having an ectopic. I'm not doubled over in pain yet, so I'm voting for corpus luteum. I am curious to see about my progesterone. Not because it means anything important but because I am, indeed, an information addict.

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate everyone being hopeful for me. I'm just not strong enough to feel it for myself. You hope for me. I'll hope for you.

-- Trish


ultimatejourney said...

Oh, hon, big hugs to you. I'm hoping for the best.

Rebecca said...

Nothing like making me want to cry first thing Friday morning. IT does fucking suck! Why is it so easy for some---and half of them aren't even trying?!! If I could,I would give you a great big hug in person right now..but it will have to wait until Sunday. You've had your beta drawn by now, but as you say...does it matter?

Kierstin said...

i am still pulling for you. hugs to you!

Inconceivable said...

i wish i could go with you to these appointments - i wish there was something more that i could do from blogland - but unitl there is - i'll be praying for you. I pray things go well at hte beta testing - Blessings Farah

Amy said...

I love you so much, Trish, and I am hurting for you. Keeping you and David and the baby in my prayers.

wanttobeamom said...

I'm sending lots of hope your way! I hope your results today were good (even if they don't mean anything)! Try not to stress (I know it's easier said than done).

Marz said...

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with this limbo thing. I wish you would just step away from googling things & try not to worry too much. Whatever happens is beyond your control, it's not anything you did.
However, having said that, I really do think this is a viable pregnancy for you. Hang in there. (((HUGS))))

Sara-Elizabeth said...

Now I just want to throw something through a glass door. Feel free to come join me.

Love you.