Thursday, July 26, 2007

More bleeding

Well, the bleeding has returned with a vengeance.
Started last night with just some spotting, stopped again. Was good this morning, this afternoon, it started again. It seems to be getting heavier tonight. If it's not over now, I'm sure it's imminent.

I've had a small breakdown crying in my husband's arms and now I'm just.......numb.

He keeps saying we're ahead of the game. We weren't supposed to get pregnant at all and now we've done it twice. But that doesn't seem to calm the idea that the sac is crashing down around my baby and it's still-beating heart.

I know there aren't much in the way of nerves yet, but I can't help but wonder if it hurts. If it knows I love it. If it knows we wanted it more than anything in the world.

I've read a lot of things from different religions and different cultures regarding babies. As Americans, we don't have much of a view. Some people believe the soul isn't there until halfway to the pregnancy, some people the soul is there immediately. One of my favorites is that it's the last task of a soul... that this soul's final task was to be loved unconditionally. It didn't need to be born for that.

I thought of this theory the other day and talked to it in my mind and told it I didn't love it. I wouldn't only love it if it was born. But I think we both know that's a lie.

So.. I sit here and cry. I honestly don't know what to say. How we got here just blows my mind. We're normal people. We don't smoke. I drink maybe a drink a month, David's never had a drink in his life. We don't do drugs. Neither of us has ever had a sexually transmitted disease. We're employed (both of us now!) and have a decent enough home. We take good care of our three cats and our dog. We aren't the types to leave our baby in a hot car or ride around w/o a car seat. We're upstanding people. Just regular ones. But here we are. Infertile, and the parents of 2 dead babies.

I don't know how this happened to us. I really don't.


--Trish

21 comments:

Sunny said...

No words. Your post brought me to tears. I feel your pain. It isn't fair. NEVER FAIR!

orange_milk said...

I cry with you.

The Bugala's said...

I'm sorry...It isn't fair! Prayers and hugs coming your way.

ultimatejourney said...

I'm so, so sorry.

wanttobeamom said...

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry.

Amy said...

I'm crying with you, too, Trish. Part of me is still holding on to a shred of hope (Hang in there, Sparkler!!) but all I can think of is the proverb that says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." So true. I am heartbroken for you guys. I love you and I love Gabriel and little Sparkler and I pray that the doctors are able to give you some real answers--and grounded hope--SOON.

Inconceivable said...

My heart is breaking for you - so i sit and cry with you. saying soft sweet blessings over you - Farah

T-girl said...

We are here to support you much more on the days when you feel all the strenght is nowhere to be found. A big hug!

Diana said...

I'm so sorry.. hugs to you at this terrible time.

niobe said...

I wish I could say something helpful. These things do seem senseless, inexplicable. I'm so sorry.

Kate said...

I am so very sorry.

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are feeling and plesae know you are not alone.

I am keeping you and your husband in my prayers. I wish you peace in this difficult time.

XOXO,
Kristen

J.E. said...

Trish
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm going to keep praying for the best because I know you two deserve it.

TeamWinks said...

I'm so so sorry...

Kierstin said...

oh i am so sorry! i wish i could just give you a hug though i know it would not make everything better. you and dave are in my thoughts and prayers.

watitng for His time said...

I'm so, so, so sorry.

Changing Expectations said...

Trish I am so sorry. You're right, this is not fair at all. I am so sorry.

LJ said...

I am so so sorry...

Joshua said...

It says Joshua cuz he's logged into something but this is Sara-Elizabeth. Trish, I just got caught up and I'm sitting here crying for you. I love you.

Jess said...

I love you. I don't understand why bad things happen to good people.

MissWeeza said...

I love you. That's all. If I could squish you with hugs and thought that would help, I'd be on the next flight out.
I love you my friend.