Saturday, July 7, 2007

"Knowing"

I have no idea if this pregnancy is okay or not.

I know you're thinking that we've already established that. Low beta. Repeat on Monday. We'll know more then.

But see, the thing is.. I'm EMBARRASSED that I don't "know." I'm SUPPOSED to "know." I'm a woman. I'm in tune with my body. I can tell you when I'm ovulating without thermometers. Hell, I'm more reliable than those damned OPKs. Let's not forget about all the stories of women who "just knew" the moment they were pregnant. Even on a miscarriage board I'm part of, there was a post recently inquiring who "just knew" something was wrong. I'm intuitive. I'm supposed to "know."

I know it's not entirely rational. No one knows if the baby is okay except for God. Not my husband, not the doctor, not the pyschic tarot card reader down the street. But there's a growing life INSIDE OF ME. And I don't know.

Last pregnancy I was worried almost immediately. I went from positive pregnancy test to jumping up and down in 5 minutes. Ten minutes later I was on the couch sitting in complete silence thinking Oh shit. Now what? And it only got worse from there. Was this because I "knew" something was wrong? Or because I worry about every.fucking.thing? Didn't matter. I was right. I'd have loved to be wrong, but there was a little part of me that thought well, I knew that. Because, you know, I'm an intuitive woman who "just knows" things.

So when I didn't instantly feel sick with worry upon seeing my positive pee sticks I felt good. I'm not scared like I was last time. That means things are better. I feel good. I "know" things are good.

And I still feel that way. About twice an hour for 15 minutes. The other 30 minutes, I'm convinced it's gone. One minute my boobs hurt. The next they don't. Did I just gag? No. I feel fine. Gosh I'm tired. Well, I haven't slept in a week. But I still don't feel sick with worry. Even during the half hour that I'm convinced it's over. I don't feel like I "just know" something is wrong.

I don't think it helps that I keep hearing my mother in law's words in my head.

The conversation went a little like this:

Me: ... you future grandchild (long convuluted way in which we got to "we're pregnant.")
MIL: Are you serious?
Me: *giggle* Yep. Just found out a half hour ago.
MIL: *long pause* Well, are you to the point.. where.. you know...... that that baby is...okay...
Me: *shocked* *looks at David hoping he has a response to this- no luck* No. There's really no way to know that.
MIL: Well, yeah, I know, but how do you feel?
Me: I feel fine.
MIL: Do your boobs hurt?
Me: Yeah, a little, but overall, I feel fine..
MIL: No cramping or pain or anything?
Me: No. I feel fine.
MIL: Well, YAY, I'm so excited!


So you see, EVERYONE thinks I should "know." (And it's all about the boob pain.)

Of course, my MIL comes from a time when you didn't know you were pregnant for a good long time. You had to miss 2 periods and kill a rabbit for confirmation. She remembers both her pregnancies being all about breast pain. For all I know, she was 8 weeks pregnant when she was feeling all the achy boobiness. Things were different then. She didn't know the joys of stick-peeing & line analyzing. Or betas & doubling times.

She comes from a different generation. But "just knowing" isn't exclusive to her. Last pregnancy I saw a pyschic after my first bad ultrasound. I was told I'd get good news in 3 days. And you know what? I did. Three days later, we had a heartbeat. A week after that, it was gone. Funny, she didn't "know" that part. Of course, she also told me she saw three pregnancies. So far, she's 2/3 right.

I try to make it my policy that when things shame me, I share them. Secrets are poison. They're almost never as scary as you think they are. When you say them outloud, they lose power. The world doesn't end, and you realize that it wasn't as bad as you feared.

So I'm saying it.
I'm not intuitive. I'm not psychic. I am a woman who doesn't "just know." I have no idea if this baby is okay.

8 comments:

ultimatejourney said...

You don't need to be embarrassed about not knowing. Sometimes things aren't intuitively obvious, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Best wishes for the next beta to be fantastic, hon.

Kierstin said...

sometimes it would be better to just know. I understand, but no we have to play the waiting game. And as you and I have discussed before Limbo SUCKS! you are in my prayers that everything is fine.

Inconceivable said...

that generation didn't have medical advances that we have now. They HAD to rely on "just knowing" as a coping skill for them. They didn't know, they only hoped and had little fear - from the lack of knowledge and exposure. You allow yourself to not know all you want and you should not feel embarassed by this at all.. feel what yuo feel.. praying for you in FL - farah

Marz said...

you can't "know" something that you have no control over what's going to happen.
As to the psychic seeing 3 pregnancies for you is that you had 1 m/c & you will have 2 healthy babies after that.
It's not over... go for repeat beta before getting too worried. My doc did that to me too "oh beta is really low, you better go for a repeat" so my 1st was 33 & 1 week later 556 and as you see from my blog my daughter is here & 5 months old now.
Good luck to you & I think you will be pleasantly surprised at your repeat beta

Amy said...

Your policy about sharing anything that shames you is very, very wise. What you wrote was really interesting ... praying that the days fly by until you really DO know, and that it's wonderful news.
(((HUGS)))

Changing Expectations said...

No need to be embarrassed. There are things that we just do not know until we know.

I am hoping that the days pass quickly until the next beta. Hang in there. I am thinking about you.

Diana said...

Kudos to you for talking this out. There are plenty of people that have no symptoms until 6-8 weeks. I am going to keep the hope that the 3 pregnancies means you will have 2 very healthy babies.

niobe said...

I find that it's much easier to "just know" when you're viewing things in retrospect. Even the fool is wise after the event.