Scabs

You know, one of the oddest things about infertility is the mood swings. Yes, it could be blamed on fertility meds or my probably waning pregnancy hormones, but I don't think so. I think I just feel like a deep wound covered by a thin scab. If you treat it gently, doesn't hurt at all (maybe just itches a little.) But just the right thing can get under it and make it bleed again.

I've been okay. When the bleeding got worse on Thursday night and I knew it was over, I had a good breakdown. By Friday morning when the tissue started to go, I was okay. I mean, every few hours, I'd cry again, but in between, I was okay.

The doctors (my old R.E. and the doctor on call all week) managed to convince me to have a natural miscarriage rather than a D&C. The doctor on call pretty much said "The risks of a D&C are minimal. But we work in an office where we see the damage it causes when they happen. We don't want anything to happen to your uterus." I knew she was going to try to talk me out of it, and I had worked up a good head of steam beforehand, but honestly, she was persuasive. She added that it didn't really matter what the fetal tissue testing showed, they'd look for a translocation in David and me anyway. I can still have the tissue testing done, just that I have to collect it myself and bring it in.

Yes, that's right. In my refrigerator is a snack sized ziploc bag with bits of my insides in it. It is inside a paper sack so as to not completely creep David out, but it's in there. I'm not entirely convinced this is going to work since most of the tissue is from Friday and it won't get to the lab until Monday, but we'll give it a shot.

I haven't passed anything large. It's all small bits. I'm not convinced I've passed everything even though I haven't passed more than 2 very small bits in more than a day. The cramps come and go. They were REALLY bad earlier, so I was certain I'd passed something, but no - just my uterus fucking with me. So, I don't know if I've still got more coming or what. The sac was so incredibly small last week that maybe there wasn't that much to pass? I don't know. But I've had heavier periods than this, so I am sort of braced for more to come.

I haven't been to work since Tuesday. I don't plan to go back until Wednesday. It's very complicated but the way my company's attendance policy works, it doesn't benefit me to go back any sooner. Honestly, with the waxing & waning pain, I think I'm better off at home. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday for what was supposed to be my 8w u/s and doctor visit. Instead, it'll probably be a planning session for where to go from here. From there, I'll feel okay going back to work.

As for that planning, I and my google medical degree think that we should try injectibles/IUI. I mean, I've been responding to Clomid just fine, but maybe we could try something else? Plus it ups the chances of twins and maybe if we can get a couple of fertilized eggs ONE of them will live. Thoughts from any veterans out there? I had a miscarriage after a Clomid pregnancy. And now I've had a miscarriage after a Clomid/Metformin pregnancy. Not that either are at fault, just you know me, if I'm not moving forward, I feel like I'm falling backward. Let's try something else.

Of course, this is all dependent on what all the testing shows. But you know, that's my plan. I don't know what the plan will be if they find a translocation. I'm going to have to do some google research on it before any test results come in. Anyone out there with a translocation have any advice/knowledge for me?

Oh, and this will all take place next cycle. I honestly have no idea how long any of this testing takes or how long my doctor is going to want us to wait to try again. My OB/GYN made us wait 2 cycles, but you and I both know that there is no medical reason to wait more than 1 cycle. And emotionally, I just want to move on. We'll see what she thinks.

Anyway, back to the picked scab. (Wow, this is a seriously TMI entry, huh? I wonder what weird google searches will lead here and what people not looking for me will think. I'll have to keep an eye on my google search terms for the next few days.) I'm okayish. I mean, I think I'm suitably sad. If I wasn't upset, that would be denial. But overall, I'm just focused on the future.

I feel a little guilty about being okayish. At this point after my first miscarriage I was a wreck. I try not to think that I loved my first baby more, but the truth of the matter is that I probably did, simply out of self-preservation. We started with a low beta this time. I knew the chances of this working out were slim. So I didn't let myself get as attached. Now, the funny part of that is that I actually was MORE hopeful this time than last time. But it was more like hope for a pregnancy, not hope for a baby. Does that make ANY sense at all?

When I referred to my situation as limbo, one friend commented that I wasn't in limbo - I was definitely pregnant. I don't think she got that it wasn't pregnancy limbo. It was parenthood limbo. I was pregnant, but was never sure if I was expecting a baby.

Anyway, as okayish as I've been, tonight a few things got me. Someone I know expecting baby #2. Another blogger's good ultrasound result. I'm happy for both of them but both times, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion.

The idea of baby #2. Wow. I'm on the cusp of hitting the 2 year mark. If I was one of those women who went off birth control and Boom! got pregnant, I could be expecting #2 now. Hell, my first due date is only a couple of weeks away and that took us more than a year. (August 16th, for anyone keeping track. Expect a crappy entry that day.)

And a good ultrasound. Wow. What a concept. I can't help but wonder if I'll EVER have a good ultrasound. Even the not-as-bad-as-expected ultrasounds I've had aren't met with exuberance. Usually just relief with a mix of new worries.

If we ever do manage to get pregnant with a healthy baby, I wonder what point I'll actually feel like things might be okay? I have this vision of myself holding my breath until after delivery. I'm not sure I'll ever believe it until I'm actually looking at a baby.

Anyway, the scabs are starting to heal over again, I'm feeling okayish again. For all my blogger friends out there, please don't be offended if I don't comment for a few days. I'm reading and rooting for you, but as I might have to quickly shut down a page to avoid the ugly cry I might not get to the comment page for a little bit.

Also, to everyone who has sent their sympathy, love & prayers this last week, a huge, huge, huge thank you. You truly don't know what your words have meant to me. Perhaps it is you sharing my sorrow that has made it manageable. I appreciate each and every one of you.


--Trish


P.S. As I was proofreading this post, I realized how hopeful I sound about getting pregnant again. What an odd twist. It's not as though we don't have trouble getting pregnant, but I guess now that we've done it twice in 6 months, I just sort of assume we'll be able to do again. When the hell did I get so cocky? My eggs still suck and his sperm still suck even more. What a weird ride this is.